


Letters Mingle Souls

by Arionrhod, McKay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-05 07:58:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 70,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11009238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arionrhod/pseuds/Arionrhod, https://archiveofourown.org/users/McKay/pseuds/McKay
Summary: A mandatory pen-pal exchange turns from a game to a lifeline for two lonely souls.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2009.

__

_"Sir, more than kisses, letters mingle souls; for, thus friends absent speak." ~John Donne_

Severus stared down at the blank piece of parchment on the table in front of him with the kind of baleful glare he usually reserved for Gryffindors and Quidditch fanatics. He didn't see the point of this stupid "pen-pal" program Dumbledore was forcing all of them to participate in; Dumbledore claimed it was to promote House unity through better understanding, but if anyone had asked Severus - which no one had, of course - he would have said there would have been a better chance of House unity if the headmaster didn't blatantly favor his perfect Gryffindors, especially Potter and Black.

"Writing your letter, Severus?" Regulus - the acceptable Black - dropped down into a seat across from him with careless grace. "I wrote mine and sent it off this morning. I suppose it'll be a few days before I get anything back, though. I hope I get matched with a Ravenclaw. At least that would be a conversation worth having."

"I'll probably get a Hufflepuff," Severus grumbled. "Or worse, a Gryffindor."

Regulus gave him a sympathetic look. "As long as neither of us get stuck with my brother or that insufferable arse he calls his best mate, we'll be all right. Maybe you'll get lucky, and you'll be matched with Evans. She's your friend anyway, right?"

"She was," Severus replied neutrally. If he _was_ matched with Lily, perhaps he could use the opportunity to make amends since she wasn't speaking to him these days, but he doubted he would be so lucky. No, in the heat of anger, frustration, and humiliation, he had lashed out, and he'd burned his bridges with Lily good and proper. Part of him thought he was well rid of her, given she'd proved shallow enough to be fooled by Potter's glib tongue and good looks, so much so that she couldn't even see what Potter really was anymore, but part of him still ached for the loss of the one friend he'd trusted completely.

"Well, it's only one letter a month for the whole school year," Regulus said in a pragmatic tone. "We don't have to write more than that if we don't want to, and at least we'll earn points for the House Cup for it."

Privately, Severus thought he would rather Slytherin lose the Cup than be forced into sociability for it, but he didn't voice the thought aloud. Instead, all he said was, "I suppose I ought to figure out something to say."

"As long as it's not 'I don't want to write any stupid letters to an idiot, so sod off', you should be all right," Regulus said with a cheeky grin as he pushed back his chair and stood up, earning a withering look from Severus in return. Laughing, he strolled away, and Severus went back to staring at the parchment.

Everything he thought of to write sounded inane or off-putting to anyone who didn't know him - and to some who did. Finally, he huffed out a sigh of disgust and began to write, eager to have the job finished. It was anonymous, after all, so if he sounded like an idiot, no one would know.

_To whomever receives this letter:_

_Personally, I think this whole pen-pal idea is stupid, but I'll go along with it for the sake of a few House points. I mean, what is it meant to accomplish if we can't reveal anything about ourselves in order to remain anonymous? If I tell you what House I'm in or which classes I like best, it's a clue, isn't it, so I can't tell you any of that._

He paused and brushed the tip of his quill back and forth across his chin as he thought about what to write next.

_I suppose I could tell you I hate Bertie Bott's Beans. I ate one that tasted like ear wax when I was ten, and I haven't been able to stomach them since. I like Chocoballs and Ice Mice quite a lot, but Pepper Imps are my favorites._

He debated how to sign off, deciding against 'sincerely' or 'yours' because the odds were against him actually liking the person who received his letter.

 _From your secret pen-pal for the year_.

Well, Dumbledore didn't say it had to be a _long_ letter, he thought virtuously. He re-read the short missive and nodded with satisfaction before he rolled up the parchment and headed out of the library to drop off the letter in the box outside the entrance to Dumbledore's office. Once all the letters had been collected, Dumbledore would match them up and send them out, but Severus wasn't particularly eager to receive his; with any luck, his pen pal would grow bored with the whole thing and stop writing by Christmas or Severus might, if his pen pal proved to be dull. Either way, he couldn't see this lasting the entire year, not for him. Not at all.

* * *

When Dumbledore announced his idea for a secret pen-pal program, Remus was quite excited. He couldn't admit that to his friends, of course, especially since relations had between them had been rather strained after the incidents of the previous school year. It had been particularly awkward at times between him and Sirius, but Remus was reluctant to force any type of confrontation. Not only did Sirius know Remus' darkest secret, but the fact was that Remus didn't have enough friends to feel as though he could afford to lose one of them for any reason.

That was why the thought of having a secret confidante, one who didn't know who he was and wouldn't be judging him on the basis of anything except his own words, was so appealing. Remus often felt he had too many secrets in his life, but this was a good one, one that might help give him an outlet for feelings that he couldn't tell anyone else. He couldn't be totally direct, of course, but just knowing that he could admit things he couldn't say to his friends made him look forward to receiving the letter from his pen-pal. Perhaps he'd even find a kindred spirit, someone he could help by listening and offering his support. 

His initial letter couldn't say _too_ much, but he'd chosen his words with care, hoping to appeal to his secret correspondent.

_Dear secret pen-pal:_

_I'm looking forward to writing to you during this school year. I suppose in some ways it seems a bit odd to be discussing things with someone without being able to share our identities, but I think it could be a very good thing. Too often we never look beyond our own House to find friends, or even believe that those Sorted into a different group could understand how we feel about things. I know that people often judge others on totally arbitrary things, such as their looks or their friends or their clothing, without ever looking beneath to see if someone might be worth getting to know. Hopefully we can do away with that between the two of us and get to know each other as just people, rather than as members of a certain House or clique. Maybe if we both keep open minds, we'll find we have more in common than we might ever have thought._

_Sincerely,  
Your pen-pal_

Remus had reread the short missive several times, before deciding that he'd managed to say enough without saying too much and turning it in. He'd barely slept that night, wondering what kind of note he'd receive the next morning at breakfast, when everyone would receive the letters from their pen-pals. Hopefully he'd get someone who was willing to open up and share their feelings. He didn't care what House the person was in, since he was quite certain that deep down, they all had secrets, even if his own was darker and grimmer than anyone else's.

When the owls began delivering packages and letters at breakfast, Remus quickly snatched up his letter and slipped it into his pocket before Sirius or Peter could grab it and read it first. Then he excused himself, claiming he had to go to the library and finish up some Muggle Studies homework. He actually did go to the library, but instead of sitting at one of the study tables, he headed off toward a back corner where he'd found a small niche between a bookcase and the wall, a space just big enough for him to slip into. There he pulled out the letter and opened it eagerly.

The smile on his face faded a bit as he read the short note written in small, spiky looking script, but he drew in a deep breath and told himself this wasn't hopeless. He simply had to convince his pen-pal that the effort was worth it, and so he pulled out a piece of parchment and began to write.

_Dear secret pen-pal:_

_Well, I can see we have different thoughts about the value of these letters, but that's all right. Hopefully I will be an interesting enough correspondent that you won't feel it's a total waste of time. I'll do my best, at least; I don't care much about the House points, but I would be appalled to have anyone think I was boring or that it was a chore to talk to me!_

_I'm with you on the Bertie Bott's beans. So many of the flavors are revolting, and I'm always worried I'll get something that will turn my stomach in a literal way. I like Pepper Imps, though, and Ice Mice, and most other sweets, as it happens. Chocolate is my very favorite, though; I don't think I've ever met a bar of chocolate that I haven't liked._

_As far as other things we can share, I can tell you that I love books, especially histories and fiction. I never seem to have enough time to read everything I'd like to read!_

_Sincerely,  
Your pen-pal_

Nodding with satisfaction, Remus sealed the parchment, then peeked out of his hiding place. Seeing no one about, he slipped out and walked quickly toward Dumbledore's office so that he could put it in the box before heading to class. He wasn't certain what reply he would receive, or even when, but he hoped it would be soon.

* * *

When Severus received the first letter from his secret pen-pal, he opened it at the breakfast table and skimmed it, rolling his eyes at the contents. A Hufflepuff! It had to be, and whoever it was obviously thought Dumbledore's scheme was just grand. There was a tiny part of him that responded to the idea of being able to share things with someone he trusted again, someone who didn't know he was the greasy git of Slytherin and couldn't look down on him because of his looks or his clothes, but he refused to acknowledge that little needy voice. He'd learned how fleeting and tenuous friendship could be thanks to Lily Evans, who began to detach from him practically the moment she was Sorted into Gryffindor and he was Sorted into Slytherin. A Hufflepuff might prove more loyal, but Severus was leery of trusting anyone else.

He considered replying, but he'd already sent his first note, and his pen-pal seemed like the type who wouldn't give up after a mere two notes, and so he waited to see if a response was forthcoming. When the second letter arrived, he smirked as he accepted it from the owl, pleased that his assessment had proved to be correct.

He opened it and read it quickly, ignoring Rosier's taunting about love letters, and he surprised himself by giving serious consideration to replying before the end of September rather than waiting until October to fulfill his monthly quota. The fact that his pen-pal liked books was promising. Perhaps he'd been matched with a perky Ravenclaw? No, he was still certain his pen-pal was a Hufflepuff.

He waited a few days, partly because he didn't want to show more interest in continuing the correspondence than he actually felt and partly because he was thinking about what he wanted to say. When he did sit down to write a letter, he returned to his table in the library, tucked away in a secluded corner, and chewed on the end of his quill as he considered how to respond.

 _To my pen-pal_ , he began, not wanting to call anyone whose identity he didn't know 'dear'. _I enjoy reading as well. I prefer magical texts because some of the teachers here are boring and stupid and don't know what they're talking about half the time._ He thought of Slughorn with a sneer and then went back to writing.

_I want to learn more than most of them can teach me, so I study on my own. Other than that, I read histories as well. I find Greek and Roman history of particular interest. I like some fiction, depending on what it is. Mysteries are all right, and I like some Muggle horror novels, even the ones that get things wrong. They're good for a laugh, at least._

He paused, realizing he'd already written more than he intended to, and he decided to wrap it up.

_I like Muggle science fiction novels too. If you haven't read any, you should, but if you say you like Mills & Boon, this correspondence is over._

_Your pen-pal_

Severus read over the note, satisfied, and then he rolled it up and took it to the box; as he dropped it in, he wondered what sort of response he would get and when, but he quickly turned his thoughts to the latest Transfiguration homework and focused on that instead.

* * *

Remus was almost dancing with anticipation the morning after he'd made his reply to his pen-pal, but when the owls arrived, there was no note for him. He told himself not to despair yet, that with classes and homework and all the activities going on, his pen-pal might not have had time to reply. 

The second day he waited eagerly, but again, there was no letter for him. Nor on the third day, and by the fourth, he was beginning to wonder if perhaps his unknown correspondent only wanted to do the minimally required number of letters for the House points after all. Telling himself that it really didn't matter, Remus took himself off to his classes and tried to focus on his studies rather than on the fact that he'd been rejected without the person on the other end even knowing he was a werewolf.

He was, therefore, surprised when on the sixth morning, an owl dropped a parchment in front of him, and he stared at it without recognition for a moment.

"Hey, Moony, you'll catch flies," Sirius teased, and Remus closed his mouth with a snap and put out his hand to take the parchment. Sirius was faster, however, and snatched it up, holding it behind his back with a teasing light in his eyes.

"Please, Sirius, give it back," Remus said quietly. He was no longer as amused by Sirius' rather childish games as he had once been, not since one of those pranks had almost turned deadly for Severus Snape. Sirius hadn't even stopped to consider that if Snape had been hurt, Remus could have gone to Azkaban or worse. It was that kind of thoughtlessness that had made Remus keep more distance from his friends, despite the strain it caused when James kept trying to mend fences. 

"Come on, Moony," Sirius said in a wheedling voice, widening his pale eyes in a way that had once caused Remus to cave almost immediately to anything his friend had wanted. But that had been before; now Remus simply gazed back and held out his hand.

"Please," he said quietly, and Sirius sighed, glancing at James before laying the parchment in Remus' hand.

"I was just playing around," Sirius murmured, and then he shrugged and turned away. 

Remus felt a bit of a pang; things had once been so easy between all of them, and he regretted the instinctive walls he seemed to have put between himself and the others. He couldn't seem to help himself, but he did unbend enough to offer a small smile.

"I know," he said, tucking the parchment away. Glancing up at the clock, he raised a brow. "Don't you have Quidditch practice this morning?"

Sirius looked over his shoulder, and then he stood and grabbed James by the back of his jumper. "Come on, Prongs! We'll be late!"

Remus watched James and Sirius depart, and then he stood as well. Peter was still eating, and so he was able to bid his remaining friend goodbye and head back toward Gryffindor tower. It was Saturday, and he had time to read the letter and craft a reply.

When he was alone in the room he shared with the others, Remus opened the missive and scanned it quickly, then read it more slowly. It was short and rather mundane, but surely the fact that his pen-pal had replied sooner than the required month meant that he - and Remus was quite certain his secret pen-pal was male - was putting forth more than the minimal effort. He wondered if perhaps his pen-pal wanted to reply sooner but didn't want to seem too eager, or if there was some other reason he hadn't replied sooner. Whatever the reason, Remus wanted to reply, and he wasn't ashamed to do so quickly.

The love of books seemed to suggest that his pen-pal was a Ravenclaw, which suited Remus just fine; he often felt he would have made a much better Ravenclaw than Gryffindor anyway. Perhaps it was even a half-blood Wizard like himself, given his liking of Muggle science fiction. They already had quite a lot in common, it seemed, and Remus hoped to expand that common ground even further.

_Dear secret pen-pal:_

_I tend to like most of the teachers here, but there are some about whom I do wonder if they teach because they believe it's the only thing they can do, rather than doing it from an inherent love of teaching. Some subjects, too, seem a bit unnecessary, like Divination. I have a hard time believing that signs and portents that are open to interpretation can be "real" magic. It seems more like art; everyone sees something different, and even if part of it comes true, it's impossible to say if it was coincidence or a real foretelling of the future._

_I study on my own, too, since some subjects in our classes aren't covered in the level of detail I'd like. But that's a good thing, I think; we **should** question things and seek to know more, rather than relying on our instructors as the sole source of knowledge in anything. There is simply too much knowledge in the world to be contained in our brief educations, and it's the sign of a true intellectual mind to keep wanting to learn._

_I like Greek and Roman history, too, as well as Egyptian. It's fascinating to compare the things the ancient cultures believed, the things they got right and those they missed completely. It puts our current experiences in perspective; sometimes I wonder what people in the future will make of our society when we've all passed into dust and only our works and words stand to define us. Hopefully we will have gotten more things right than wrong._

_Alas, I must confess to only a limited knowledge of science fiction. If I were to start, which books would you suggest that I should read?_

_Sincerely,  
Your pen-pal  
_

Smiling happily, his mood lighter than it had been in days, Remus went off immediately to post the letter. He only hoped his pen-pal would be interested enough to reply sooner.

* * *

Somehow, Severus wasn't surprised when he received a quick response, although he was surprised by the length of the letter; apparently, his pen-pal _wanted_ someone to natter to, although Severus found himself engaged by what his pen-pal had to say. As little as he cared to admit it, his pen-pal endeared himself - and Severus was fairly certain his pen-pal was male at this point - to Severus by expressing disinterest in Divination, a branch of study that Severus disliked as well.

He spent the rest of the day debating whether he ought to wait a few days again, and he kept peeking at the letter and composing a response in his head. That night, he gave up worrying about whether it was foolish or made him seem over-eager, and he claimed a small table in a corner of the Slytherin common room where he could write in peace.

_To my pen-pal,_

_Divination is a waste of time, in my opinion. There's no real talent or skill involved in staring into a crystal ball or trying to see pictures in a clump of wet tea leaves, not like with Potions, Charms, or Transfiguration. If there's one teacher in this school who knows her business, it's McGonagall. She has knowledge and natural talent, and I can respect that, unlike some teachers._

He decided adding a qualifier about respecting McGonagall even though she was Head of Gryffindor would give away too much, and so he let it go at that.

_There's definitely far more to learn than we're taught here, and I can't wait to leave this place. I'm tired of being boxed in and stifled, I'm tired of being told what I can and can't learn about, and I'm tired of being surrounded by stupid people who don't care about anything beyond snogging and Quidditch. Everyone here is so boring, and they all have stupid games they insist on playing. There's only one person here I like anymore, but I hope to find more people like me once I'm finally finished with school and can do what I bloody well please at last._

Severus stopped, surprised by what he'd just written and even more surprised when he realized the person he'd referred to was Regulus, not Lily. He did like Regulus, but he didn't trust Regulus any more than he trusted any other Slytherin, and he was tired of all the politics and status games.

_Anyway, I don't think the historians will look kindly on us. There are schisms and prejudice everywhere, like pure-bloods looking down on mudbloods._

He winced as he wrote the word, remembering that awful day that had sounded the death knell for his friendship with Lily, but he forged ahead.

_No one tries to do anything about it, either. Most people are sheep, but I want to be different, not like everyone else._

He stopped himself again before he could go off on another tangent. Apparently, he thought with a little grimace, putting his thoughts down in writing made him 'speak' more freely than he would aloud.

_As for science fiction authors, you might start with Ray Bradbury or Isaac Asimov. I like Robert Heinlein in particular, but there are a lot of writers to choose from: Arthur C. Clarke, Harlan Ellison (he's one of my favorites too), Kurt Vonnegut. You can't really go wrong with any of them. If you want something a little lighter to start with, you could try Ursula K. Le Guin or Anne McCaffrey, who writes about dragons and dragon riders. They're a little soppy, but not too bad._

_Your secret pen-pal_

Upon re-reading the letter, Severus considered crossing half of it out or tearing it up and starting over, but it was an honest bit of writing, more honest than he had been in a long time, and so he braced himself and sealed it, and he dropped it into the box the next morning with a twinge of trepidation.

* * *

"Oh."

Remus stared at the letter he had received, wide-eyed at what it contained. He hadn't thought that anything could match his surprise at the swiftness of his correspondent's reply, but he could barely process the information his secret friend had volunteered or the rather strong opinions he had expressed.

Recovering, Remus read the letter again, slowly processing each section. His thought that his friend was a Ravenclaw seemed certainly confirmed by the admiration he had expressed of McGonagall; he couldn't imagine any Slytherin saying anything so complimentary of the Head of Gryffindor, no matter how good a teacher she was or how much talent she had. Yet the comment about being stifled and told what to learn and being surrounded by stupid people didn't seem to be the attitude of anyone he could imagine in Ravenclaw, although admittedly the feelings could be carefully hidden. Perhaps it was someone who should have been a Ravenclaw who had ended up in Hufflepuff or perhaps even Slytherin. Not that it really mattered; Remus understood the sentiments to a certain extent, although he wasn't quite so bitter as his friend seemed to be.

The schisms and prejudice, however, he understood all too well, and the comment about "no one doing anything about it" made him wince. The writer couldn't possibly know that Remus was a prefect, nor that he had looked away and not done things when he should have, but Remus felt guilty anyway.

The fact that his friend had written back so quickly, though, meant that the things he had said were true and from the heart, and Remus took them as such. This was the closeness he had been craving, and even if he didn't agree with everything his friend was saying, he certainly understood and shared enough of the feelings to feel the call of a kindred spirit.

He picked up his quill and immediately started a reply.

_Dear secret friend,_

_Let me begin by saying that I understand everything you are saying and even share many of your sentiments, if to a lesser degree. For myself, I'm torn about leaving this place, even though I realize that there are many problems and prejudices. I fear, however, that it's not much better on the outside, especially for some of us. To a certain extent, we are insulated here from some of the harsher realities of the world._

_I'm sorry you feel you only have one person here whom you like; I have several that I like, but circumstances have proven that liking someone and being able to trust them are two different things. I have had my eyes opened in a way to some of the more unpleasant truths about human nature, and while I never really considered myself naive, I can see where wanting to please people and to fit in has blinded me to certain things, and it's been difficult for me to feel as though I fit in any longer. Or maybe I never did fit in and I'm only just realizing it; regardless, I find it difficult to be confrontational, even in situations where I should be. People are, indeed, stupid. I just wish I knew if I was one of them._

_I hope that you get your wish: that when you leave here, you find people who will support you and indulge your need to be different rather than trying to stifle it or make you feel bad for it. I am different just by my nature, and I know that's why I have tried not to stand out. Prejudice because of the circumstances of our births or the misfortunes we have suffered in our lives is everywhere, and people seem obsessed with playing games with the lives and happiness of others. It's sad and it's frustrating, and I just wish there was some way to make it change. If I knew what that way was, I would hope I'd find the courage to do it._

_Well, now that I've probably convinced you I'm hopeless, thanks for the recommendations on the science fiction. I'll see if I can find any of those authors in the library or perhaps from the Muggle Studies professor._

_Sincerely,  
Your friend_

The words he had written made Remus cringe at how cowardly he must seem, but every word he had written was sincerely meant. This was exactly what he wanted, wasn't it? To be able to bare his soul, and he had, to an extent. Drawing a deep breath and hoping that he hadn't just put his pen-pal off completely, Remus sealed the parchment.

* * *

Severus found himself looking at Sixth and Seventh year Hufflepuffs and wondering if one of them was his pen-pal. Slytherin and Hufflepuff didn't take many classes together; Slytherin were mostly stuck sharing classes with Gryffindor, so Severus didn't get the chance to interact with or even see many Hufflepuffs except in the Great Hall. He was wildly curious, but at the same time, he didn't want to know which of them was the face behind the words. It was easier to be honest when he didn't have a real identity to attach to the letters; he could pretend it wasn't anyone he knew or who knew him. He could even pretend the person on the receiving end of the letters wasn't even real, to an extent. An anonymous audience was what he needed, and he didn't want the illusion shattered, not so soon.

When his pen-pal's next letter arrived, he snatched it from the owl eagerly and shoved it in his pocket, wanting to read it somewhere he wouldn't be disturbed, not at the breakfast table where there was noise and people jostling him.

"Is that from your pen-pal?" Regulus asked, regarding him curiously. "I thought you weren't interested in writing to someone."

Severus shrugged as insouciently as he could. "It isn't as bad as I thought it would be," he said. "I got someone interesting."

"Lucky you," Regulus said, grimacing. "I got someone who doesn't want to write about anything but his girlfriend. If I have to read another word about 'limpid eyes' or 'rosebud lips', I'm going to be sick."

Smirking, Severus finished his toast and stood up. "Too bad. Maybe you should swap with Wilkes, and he can bore your pen-pal with badly written poetry about _his_ girlfriend."

Regulus perked up at that, as if he was seriously considering the idea, but Severus left before he could be dragged into further conversation about it; he was anxious to know how his pen-pal had reacted to his last letter, although he supposed the fact that he'd got a response at all was a good sign, unless this latest letter was nothing more than a polite good-bye.

He returned to his dorm room and climbed onto his bed, closing the curtains to give himself the illusion of privacy. Rolling onto his stomach, he opened the letter and began to read. His eyes widened in surprise as he read and realized his pen-pal understood - _really_ understood - which wasn't what he'd expected at all. It sounded as if his pen-pal tried to fit in rather than fight, which Severus didn't approve of, but it was hardly uncommon. Severus knew lots of people who kept their heads down and remained quiet rather than take a stand.

Scarcely had he finished reading the letter than he was summoning a quill, ink, and parchment, and he began scribbling a reply.

_To my pen-pal,_

_You're right: liking someone and trusting them are two different things. The one person I like is not someone I trust. I can think of only one person I trust: my mother. No one else has ever given me any reason to trust them. Quite the opposite, actually. Sometimes, I wish it was different. I don't particularly want to be distrustful, but it isn't safe to be otherwise. I still wish there was someone I could like and trust, but I'm not certain that will ever happen. People are too dangerous for that, I think._

_Sometimes, I wonder if anyone ever really fits in. Who is to say what is 'normal', after all? Maybe it's just that a group of idiots get together and decide they're the cool ones and anyone who isn't like them is different. So if you don't fit in, don't worry about it. You're better off without sheep-minded idiots anyway._

_You've probably guessed I don't shy away from confrontations. You might be better off if you didn't either. Trying to keep people happy is futile._

He paused, thinking about his father. It didn't matter what Severus or his mum did; nothing was ever good enough, and Dad always found a reason to drink and to swing his fists.

_You might as well focus on trying to make yourself happy instead and sod the rest of the world. When have they ever cared about you or your happiness anyway? As for me, I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure things change for the better. I don't believe in just accepting the way things are; sometimes, you have to do something to make things change instead of waiting and hoping things will change on their own. _

He glanced back at his pen-pal's letter, and on impulse, he summoned a collection of Bradbury's short stories. He hadn't written his name in it, and he flipped through it quickly to make certain he hadn't left anything incriminating between the pages.

_Anyway, I'm sending a book. I'll want it back, of course, but if you like it, I can let you borrow others. I don't know anyone else who reads this stuff, much less likes it, so if I can convert someone, all the better for me. I'll finally have someone to talk about it with._

He hesitated again before signing off. He'd noticed the change to "friend", but he wasn't certain he was ready to call his anonymous pen-pal a friend yet himself. Hopefully his pen-pal wouldn't be offended by his reticence, but he wasn't going to pretend a connection he didn't feel.

 _Your pen-pal_ , he wrote, and then he wrapped up the letter and the book in a tidy package and went to drop it off right away.

* * *

A package landed beside Remus' breakfast plate with a thud, making the plates and silverware rattle and causing four or five people to glance up in surprise. Remus flushed, wondering if his pen-pal had sent him a brick, but he hurried to snatch the package off the table. He was lucky that James and Sirius were serving an early morning detention with Professor McGonagall for having managed to turn all the green Slytherin banners in the Great Hall a rather virulent shade of pink. Peter looked over, but Remus smiled at him.

"Something from my mum," he said, and Peter nodded and smiled back.

"If it's some of her biscuits, I hope you'll share," Peter said hopefully.

"Of course. Must run!" Remus replied, then fled before anyone else could ask any questions. He didn't dare go back to the dorm, but he couldn't go to the library, either, since Sirius and James were there dusting shelves as their punishment. He looked around, then went to a side door and slipped outside into the courtyard, making his way to a secluded bench where he could read in peace.

The letter was reassuring, and so was the book, which Remus glanced at in anticipation before setting out to pen a reply. He'd noticed that his pen-pal hadn't returned his appellation of "friend", but that didn't bother him. He knew that they _were_ friends, even if the other boy wasn't ready to acknowledge that yet. Given how few friends his pen-pal had, it was hardly surprising.

_Dear friend,_

_I'm sorry the only person you like is someone you can't trust. That's very hard, I know, and it can lead to making you rather paranoid - and yes, I speak from experience. Safety is something that is difficult to find and even harder to keep, unfortunately. I don't like being distrustful, either, but after you've been betrayed, it's difficult to not wonder if and when it's going to happen again._

_It's fortunate that you can trust your mother, though. I trust my parents, and it helps to know you have a haven where you don't have to keep your guard up all the time. To be honest, that's one reason why I was glad that the Headmaster came up with the pen-pal idea. It's hard to walk around all the time with things bottled up that you need to say but can't, because you're afraid that if you tell anyone, there will be bad consequences. I was hoping I'd get someone who would be willing to really talk about things, rather than just going on about commonplace stuff. I'm glad I got you._

_As far as making myself happy and sodding everyone else goes, I wish I could. It would be easier, I suppose, but I don't know if I can do it. Some people do try to make me happy, or at least do things that help me, and I'm grateful for that. I guess I'm caught in this odd position of feeling like I'm often on the outside looking in, not fully belonging and yet not certain that I have enough strength to stand totally alone and tell the world to go to hell. You have that, and I find myself envious of it._

_It might be easier if I weren't so very different from everyone else._

Remus stopped, biting his lip as he looked down at the paper, wondering if he could say something about his curse - or even if he _should_ say something. He found that for the first time in his life, he actually _wanted_ to do it, and so he took a deep breath and began to write again.

_At that risk of sounding like some stupid melodrama, I'm sick. Very sick, actually. You don't have any reason to trust that what I'm saying is true, of course, but I promise I'm not lying to you. Having this illness makes me feel like people would shun me if they knew. I guess I go out of my way not to draw attention to myself so that people won't get close enough to ask questions, and I want people to like me because I'm afraid if they really knew, they wouldn't. I can admit it to you because you don't know who I am, and oddly enough, you're the first person I've willingly told about it._

_I wish I had your strength. It sounds like you're going to be happy once you leave here because you know what to do to help make yourself happy. I'm glad for you. Happiness is hard to find, and I think only people who have been truly unhappy in their lives can fully appreciate just how special it is._

_Thanks for the book. I promise to return it quickly after I devour the contents!_

_Sincerely,  
Your friend_

Drawing in a deep breath, Remus closed his eyes, feeling himself start to tremble slightly. This was big... one of the biggest things he'd ever done. One of the biggest things he'd ever even thought about doing. It was a risk, even if his pen-pal didn't know who he was. It was obvious that his friend was intelligent, and no doubt he could find out Remus' identity if he really wanted to - by handwriting, or magic, or _something_. That would lead to questions, and... and for once, Remus didn't care. So many things were out of his hands, beyond his control, and damn it all, he needed to do this for himself. To feel like he could say something and admit a problem and have an honest opinion given, rather than being met with either prejudice or patronizing. It was his choice, and he'd made it. Whatever consequences might follow, it had been his decision to invite them.

* * *

It was stupid of him to feel a flutter of anticipation every time the owls swooped into the Great Hall to deliver mail each morning, but Severus couldn't help it. Before his pen-pal, the only person who'd ever sent him any mail was Mum, but now he had letters from his pen-pal to look forward to as well, and as little as he cared to admit it, he did look forward to the letters. Whoever his pen-pal was, he wasn't stupid or obsessed with mundane things that didn't interest Severus at all, and Severus felt far luckier than some of his Housemates, who were bemoaning the matches they'd been given.

When a new letter arrived, Severus pocketed it, saving it as a special treat to enjoy once classes were over. He kept reaching into his pocket to make certain it was still there, and he was tempted to pull it out and read it throughout the day, but he held firm in his resolve to wait, and as soon as his last class let out, he hurried to the library to read the letter in private.

He read it twice, his heart pounding wildly at his pen-pal's words. He never expected to find anyone who understood what he meant - who understood _him_ \- so well, but it seemed he'd found a kindred spirit, someone who knew what it was like to be different and to be an outsider, never quite fitting in. The only difference between them was that Severus had stopped caring about fitting in while his pen-pal had not.

He scrounged in his bag for a quill, ink, and parchment, and he didn't waste any time writing back.

_Dear pen-pal,_

_I'm not going to ask about your illness, not because I'm not interested, but because too much information might ruin the anonymity of our exchange, and I get the feeling you don't want that any more than I do. I know what you mean about walking around with things bottled up; I do that too. But we don't have to do that anymore._

_At first, I wondered who you are, but now, I don't care, and I don't want to know. I like having someone I can say things to and know it's safe, and I like having someone who doesn't ramble about boring stuff, like my friend whose pen-pal only wants to talk about his girlfriend. You aren't stupid or boring, and I'm glad I was matched with you too._

_I'm sorry you're sick, and I understand why you don't want to tell anyone. People judge you for things that aren't your fault and that you can't do anything about, which is stupid. I'd say it might not be as bad as you thought if you told someone, but I'm not that optimistic. I don't care if people like me or not; it's easier that way. It's not that easy to stop caring, though, so I guess I can't really fault you for still wanting to be liked, but I don't think it's worth the effort, myself._

_I hope I'll be happy once I leave Hogwarts. I have some plans, and I think this opportunity is what I've been looking for. My friend has been helping me get involved, and it looks pretty good so far. At least once I'm out of here, I can make my own choices, and there won't be anyone who cares about Houses. I'm proud of my House, but none of us are just our House affiliation, and I think there are people who don't understand that. It's like they think you must be this sort of person if you were put in this House, like everyone is a peg that can be put neatly in a hole and fit every time. Bollocks!_

_What about people like you and me who don't fit anywhere? What do we do in this tidy little place? That's why I can't wait to leave. I'm tired of being stuffed in a hole I don't fit in. I'm different, and there's no real place for difference here._

_Anyway, I hope you enjoy the Bradbury stories. A lot of my books (fiction, I mean) are at home, but I can lend you what I've got here and pick up more when I go home for Christmas._

_Sincerely,  
your pen-pal_

Severus didn't bother to read over what he'd written this time, which felt liberating. Instead, he sealed it and took it straight to the box, dropping it off without a single qualm.

* * *

"Gah! Moony, you look like hell!"

Remus turned his head slowly, wincing at the pain which shot down his neck, and found himself the object of study of three sets of eyes, all with identical expressions of concern. He smiled wanly. "Sorry. Didn't have time to put on makeup and brush my hair."

James, Sirius, and Peter smiled back rather hesitantly, and James moved closer to rest his hand on Remus' arm. "We couldn't get away," he murmured softly, glancing to where Madame Pomfrey was busy attending to another student who was softly moaning in his bed. Remus and the other boy were the only patients in the Infirmary, and the hollow room made voices seem to echo. Bending lower, James spoke right next to Remus' ear. "Filch caught us sneaking out and set us detention. I'm sorry! We'll try again next month, all right?"

James pulled back, and Remus nodded, relieved that it had only been getting caught which had kept the others away, rather than a sudden change of heart, given the tension between him and Sirius that they seemed unable to fully move past. As a result, however, he'd spent the full moon alone, and apparently the wolf hadn't spared itself, given how torn up he'd been when he'd woken up in the Shack that morning. 

"S'okay," he said, nodding slightly in deference to the long gash he'd managed to sustain along his shoulder. "I understand."

"Good," Sirius said, stepping closer to the bed as well. Remus could see the sympathy and worry in his eyes, but he was surprised when Sirius reached out to run a finger down his cheek. "We won't let you down again, promise." There was more behind the words than a simple apology for the previous night, and Remus knew Sirius was trying to reach out to him, seeking forgiveness for letting Remus down the previous year. 

For a moment, Remus resented it; Sirius' actions could hardly be brushed off as minor, given that if James hadn't pulled Severus Snape away in time, Remus would have done the unthinkable and ended up paying for it heavily. How could an apology, however sincerely given, make up for something that big? He wanted to be like his pen-pal, who didn't care what people thought of him, who was strong enough to stand up for himself and to want to change things so that they suited him. No doubt his pen-pal would tell Sirius to sod off and stick his apology somewhere dark and damp, then shun Sirius completely for the rest of the year.

Unfortunately, however, Remus wasn't that strong. If he pushed Sirius away now, James would be forced to choose between them, and Merlin knew that James and Sirius were closer than brothers. Remus had no doubt he would lose, and in doing so, he would be even more isolated and vulnerable than he was now. His pen-pal wouldn't understand... or perhaps he would, but he certainly wouldn't be as weak as Remus was.

"It's all right, Padfoot," he said quietly, mustering another smile, even though it didn't quite reach his eyes. Fortunately, Sirius was too relieved to notice, and he beamed at Remus, obviously glad to have been let off the hook at last.

"Good on you, Moony," Sirius said, patting Remus' shoulder.

"Mr. Black! Kindly do not maul my patient!" Madame Pomfrey called out, glaring over at Remus' visitors as though they were planning to spirit Remus out or perhaps start rough-housing right there in the ward. "That's enough visiting! Mr. Lupin will rejoin you by this evening, if he's allowed to rest. Out! Back to your classes now!"

"Yes, Madame Pomfrey." Three voices gave the dutiful chorus, then with a few murmured promises of saving dessert for him, the other boys turned to go.

Peter, however, suddenly stopped and walked back to Remus, smiling sheepishly. "Sorry, Moony. This came at breakfast, and I brought it to you. Lucky you, to have a pen-pal who actually writes to you. Mine must be a really stuck-up Slytherin, because all he does is rattle on about how much he hates Gryffindors and how he'll make everyone pay for insulting him one day." Peter leaned closer. "Personally, I think I got Snape. How's that for rotten luck?"

"Poor you," Remus said, although he was more interested in the letter Peter was holding out than in Peter's speculations about his own pen-pal. After the things Remus had divulged in his last letter, he was almost desperate to know what his secret friend had to say. "I'll see you later, right?"

"Right," Peter said, then smiled and ran off after the others. Remus barely noticed; he was too busy opening the parchment and reading the words contained within.

Almost giddy with relief, Remus sighed and relaxed against his pillow, closing his eyes with a genuine smile curving his lips. His pen-pal understood about his "illness"! Remus wished he could fully divulge the nature of what was wrong with him, rather than having to prevaricate about it, but his pen-pal was right: it would give away too much. 

"Madame Pomfrey, may I please have a quill and some parchment?" he asked when the woman approached his bed to fuss and cluck over him.

"You should be still and rest," Madame Pomfrey replied. "Homework can wait."

"This isn't homework, not exactly," Remus admitted, showing her the parchment. "My pen-pal wrote to me, and I'd like to write back. I won't strain myself, I promise. Just a quick note." His expression sobered. "He's used to me writing back quickly. I'd hate for him to learn who I am because I didn't and he somehow realized I was in the infirmary."

Madame Pomfrey hesitated, and then she nodded. "All right, then, but just a quick note, and I'll take it to the box myself." She shook her head and smiled. "I thought Albus might be a bit daft for suggesting this pen-pal idea, but it seems to have caught on, at least with some of the students."

"I like it," Remus said, and he was rewarded with a pat on the head. Madame Pomfrey summoned parchment, ink, and a quill with a flick of her wand, then helped Remus to sit up so he could write.

"Five minutes," she warned, then bustled off and left him in peace. Remus wasted no time in penning his reply.

_Dear Friend,_

_Perhaps you're right, and there will be a place for people who are like us in the outside world. I certainly hope so, because I know there isn't a hole in this place that will fit the odd shape of my particular peg. I'm worried that there won't be, though. I suppose that's one reason I try not to be disliked. At least that way, I'll know there are a few people who will accept me once I leave here. I don't look forward to it with your level of anticipation, though. I suppose it's a case of better the dragon you know than the dragon you don't._

_I have to say I both do and don't want to know who you are. I don't because as you said, this is safe for both of us, and it means we can have a level of trust that is hard to find anywhere else. I'm also afraid you might not like me if you knew who I am. I think we're a lot alike in many ways, but it's always easier to ignore what's on the surface when you can't see it to begin with. At the same time, I'm naturally curious, because I like puzzles and mysteries, and this is a big one. But don't worry, I'm not going to try to find out who you are. In a way, it doesn't matter. You're you, and I like you and understand you, as you understand me, and that's good enough._

_You're right, none of us is just our House affiliation, and I often wonder how many people fit as poorly into theirs as I often feel I do into mine. But I know I probably wouldn't fit any better into any of the other Houses, either, so I suppose it doesn't matter. House affiliation won't matter once we leave school, anyway. Or at least that's what I hope._

_I started on the book of stories, and I'm enjoying them very much. Unfortunately, I didn't get to finish it yet because something came up, but I'll try to do that tonight and return it to you tomorrow. Thanks for the promise of more books on loan! I think I finished going through everything in the Hogwarts Library by Fourth year, and I haven't got the money to buy many of my own._

_Take care, and I look forward to your next letter!  
Your friend_

The handwriting was a little shaky from weakness at the end and less neat than his normal letters, but there was no help for it. It was good enough, and Remus folded the parchment and waited for Madame Pomfrey to return. He was so tired, he never even noticed when she did or when she slipped the letter from his grasp and went to post it, chuckling softly at his ink-stained fingers and the smile that curved his sleeping lips.

* * *

There wasn't much in the world that made Severus happy. Truly happy, rather than merely pleased or content. Happiness, he had learned at a young age, was not something meant for the likes of him. But the strange surge of emotion he felt on reading the words "I like you" was one he could only identify as happiness.

Someone liked him. Not because he was clever at Potions, not because he could create spells and charms, not because he was shaping up to be a powerful wizard. His pen-pal didn't know any of those things; he had only Severus' words to go on, and apparently, that was enough. Someone had learned his thoughts and liked him anyway, and for Severus, that was a novel experience.

Lily had proved to be a faithless friend when she'd chosen the Golden Gryffindors over him, and he knew Regulus liked him, but there was that element of 'what can you do for me' to their friendship. Regulus liked him because he was smart and powerful, but Severus felt the gulf between them nonetheless; the Blacks were notoriously snobbish about blood lines, and Regulus was far more his parents' child than his brother was.

But his pen-pal liked him for who he was, and Severus had never thought he would ever have a friend like that. This anonymous communication was becoming far more important to him than he ever expected; his anonymous friend was becoming more important to him than he expected, and he began tucking each letter away carefully in the bottom of his trunk, wanting to save them, although he couldn't articulate why, even to himself. He didn't consider himself the soppy, sentimental type, and these weren't love letters, but he wanted to keep them nonetheless, perhaps as proof that he wasn't as unlikeable as he'd been made to feel over the years.

He read the latest letter three times; each time, he lingered over those particular words, and each time, they made him feel warm anew. At last, he gathered his things and began to compose a reply, unaware that he was smiling as he wrote.


	2. Chapter 2

As fall faded into winter, Remus kept up diligently with his studies, read several dozen books, and, of course, wrote to his pen-pal often. In fact, the correspondence became so common and natural that he sometimes fancied it was as though his secret friend was there with him, a sort of unseen but very real companion who shared his hopes and dreams.

Not that he could share _everything_ , of course, since they were both careful never to give away any information that would identify themselves. At the same time, it was inevitable that he would create a mental picture of his friend, one built on perceptions with no real basis in reality. In Remus' mind's eye, however, his secret friend was tall and dark and had eyes that flashed with humor, even as his tongue dealt biting witticisms. Remus didn't go looking for anyone who fit that image, though, because it was equally as likely that his friend was short and mousy-haired with glasses thick as pancakes, spots, and a weak chin. But Remus rather thought not; his friend spoke with assurance, and Remus couldn't help but see him as being tall and strong and fearless. If it weren't for the fact that the Headmaster had said the exercise was to promote inter-House understanding, Remus would have thought his friend was better suited to be a Gryffindor than he was himself.

He didn't share _that_ bit of information, either, although he chuckled over it a bit to himself. The acidic comments his friend made had led him to comment that his friend was as acerbic as Harlan Ellison, which had garnered a retort that Remus' idealism would shame Robert Heinlein. It was then that they had started using those names for each other, first in jest, but then as something that just _was_ , an easy way to think of each other without worrying about a name that could be linked back to their real identities. It was, however, easy to think of his pen-pal as "Ellison", and Remus slipped into the habit quickly.

It was as December began that Remus began to fret, worrying about how he would communicate with Ellison during the holidays - or even after they left Hogwarts for good, if it came to that. Funny how Ellison was such a part of his life now that Remus felt lonely at the mere thought of not being able to write to him, and Remus expressed his thoughts in the letter he sent during the first week of the month.

_Dear Ellison,_

_It occurs to me, since the holidays are coming, that we don't have a way to keep in touch outside of school. Perhaps I'm being too presumptuous and you aren't concerned about contacting me over holidays, but if you're amenable, I'm going to see if I can find a way so that we can. Lives don't stop outside of the castle, after all, and I know sometimes it's just as stressful to be at home as it is to be here. What do you think?_

_Yours,  
Robert_

* * *

The thought that they might have to suspend their correspondence over the holidays had occurred to Severus, and he'd been trying to think of a way around it that didn't involve revealing their identities. He didn't want to give up the one bright spot in his life just because he was away from Hogwarts, although the irony of the place he hated providing him with what was one of the best things that had ever happened to him was not lost on him.

It was a relief to know Robert wanted to continue writing to him; he'd harbored a little niggle of doubt about it, born of the insecurity he couldn't entirely shake despite the brave front he showed the world, and he wasted no time in writing a response.

_Dear Robert,_

_I think if there is a way to continue our correspondence, we ought to use it. It isn't presumptuous at all; I don't want to suffer through the holidays without an outlet, and if you knew my family, you'd understand why. It wouldn't be so bad if I only had to deal with Aunt Z. and her disgusting fruitcake, but Dad drinks, and you can imagine how that adds to the 'festivities'._

_If you learn anything, let me know._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

"Headmaster? Sir, um, could I ask you a question?"

Dumbledore turned and smiled benignly at Remus, and Remus smiled back, albeit a little nervously. He wasn't certain how the Headmaster would respond to his question, but since Dumbledore had created this program, he seemed the best place to start.

"Yes, my boy?"

Remus bit his lip, then drew in a deep breath. "Sir, I wanted to ask you about the pen-pal thing. I mean, about how we contact each other. You see, Ell... I mean my pen-pal and I want to keep in contact during holidays, but the magic won't work outside the school, right?"

"That is correct... at the moment," Dumbledore replied, his eyes twinkling at Remus over his half-moon spectacles. "I take it that you and your pen-pal are finding your correspondence to be... interesting?"

"Yes, sir," Remus said solemnly. "You were right, the House thing isn't nearly as important or divisive as we thought."

"I'm glad... and also not surprised," the Headmaster said, lifting one hand to stroke his beard thoughtfully. "You _both_ want to keep in touch? Is it too much to presume that you've come up with pseudonyms for each other, in lieu of your real names?"

"Um, yes, sir." Remus flushed a bit and shrugged. "I call him Ellison, for Harlan Ellison, a science fiction writer. He calls me Robert, for Robert Heinlein. It's silly, I suppose, but... well, we had to call each other _something_ , and since we can't use our real names..."

"Quite so, quite so," Dumbledore replied, resting his hand on Remus' shoulder. "I'm very happy about this, my boy, very happy. Even if the two of you are the only ones who manage to forge a bond, then it's worth it. Although I rather thought that would be the case. Well, don't worry about it. The owls are able to carry mail thanks to a bit of magic that links a person's real identity with a pseudonym. I set it to work only at the school, but that can be changed easily. Leave it all to me, dear boy. I'll arrange it so that you can use any owl, any time, and sending mail to 'Ellison' will always find your pen-pal, as him sending mail to 'Robert' will always find you. Will that suit?"

Remus' eyes widened. He hadn't expected it to be that easy or for the Headmaster to be so agreeable. "Oh, yes! Yes, sir! Thank you! That's absolutely perfect, more than I'd hoped for. I really appreciate it, and I know Ellison will, too!"

With an airy wave of his hand, Dumbledore dismissed it as nothing. "Not a problem. As I said, I'm glad. You never know when you might need someone to talk to. Someone who understands you, because they are very much like you, at least inside where it truly matters."

Nodding, Remus bit his lip again. "Sir? I don't want to know who he is. I mean I do and I don't, but I really _don't_ , if you know what I mean, but..."

Chuckling, Dumbledore raised a brow. "But you want to know if it was chance, or if I put the two of you together on purpose, because I knew you would click?"

"Er... yes," Remus replied, wondering if he was really that transparent.

"My dear boy, I think that information, like your true identities, does not really matter, don't you?" Dumbledore replied, a twinkle in his eyes. "Whether by chance or design, you have connected. Enjoy it with my good wishes for you both."

That answer told him nothing and yet everything, and Remus beamed. "Yes, sir! Thanks again. I know he'll appreciate it too!" 

With that, he ran off to share the good news with Ellison. It was a comfort to know that no matter where they were, they could always reach out to each other and have someone who would listen, understand, and care. It was better than having a friend or even a boyfriend, when it came right down to it. This was a relationship of trust and understanding, and Remus couldn't imagine wanting it to be any other way.

* * *

Huddled on his narrow bed in his chilly room, Severus listened to the familiar sounds of his dad on a drunken rampage downstairs, resentment burning in his chest; he wanted to go down there and hex the man to hell and back, but he didn't, not only because he'd get in trouble for using magic outside the school, but also because it would make things worse for Mum in the end. She'd pay for it after Severus was back at Hogwarts, and as much as it galled him to sit and listen and do nothing, it was all he could do.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the letter he'd received from Robert that morning, reading it again as he tried to tune out the noise. With any luck, the neighbors would call the police soon, and maybe he and Mum would have a peaceful Christmas after all while Dad slept it off in jail.

A loud crash made him flinch, and he gritted his teeth as he fought the urge to intervene; instead, he sought the only outlet he had. Fetching his writing tools, he began writing his response.

_Dear Robert,_

_I hope you're having a better Christmas than I am. I never thought I'd be ready to return to the school, but Dad is in particularly fine form this year, and I want to get as far away from him as I can. I can't find peace anywhere. Not at home, not at school. And people wonder why I'm so bloody eager to grow up and be on my own!_

_I did remember to pack some books for you. I'm sending one - the LeGuin novel I mentioned - and a present for you. It isn't much, but I thought you'd like to have your own copy of Stranger In a Strange Land, so I got it for you._

He paused, wondering if sending a Christmas present made him seem too soppy, but he couldn't help thinking about his friend; he'd only given presents out of duty before, except to his mum, but he had _wanted_ to give Robert something this year, not only because he knew Robert was short on pocket money, but also because Robert had little to be happy about with his illness and isolation, and Severus wanted to do something that would, like Robert's letters did for him, give Robert a little happiness. It was an unfamiliar sense of altruism for Severus, but it felt right nonetheless.

 _I'm not turning stupid and sentimental over Christmas,_ he added. _I saw it in the second-hand bookshop here and thought you'd like it, that's all._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

The owl tapped on Remus' window, and despite the lateness of the hour, Remus jumped up at once to admit it, eagerly anticipating the letter from Ellison it had to be bringing. When he was gifted with a rather large bundle, he was surprised, but he took it, invited the owl in, and closed the window, heading back to his bed to unwrap it hastily.

The sight of the books made him smile, but he only glanced at them cursorily before turning his attention to the letter. He winced at the description of what Ellison was enduring, but he had to chuckle at the snarky comment at the end.

He glanced over at his dresser, where a small, wrapped package sat. He'd wanted to send it with his last letter, but he had hesitated, afraid that Ellison might think he was being 'stupid and sentimental'. Now, however, he could enclose the box of dark chocolates and feel certain the gift would be accepted. He'd saved what sickles and knuts he could for weeks to buy it, never questioning why he wanted to give Ellison a gift. He simply _did_ , and that was good enough.

Reaching down to the side of the bed, he pulled out a box where he kept his writing supplies when at home, and he immediately penned a reply.

_Dear Ellison,_

_I'm so sorry that your father is ruining your Christmas. That's not only sad, it's **wrong** , and I wish there was something I could do. You deserve so much better than that!_

_My own holiday is quiet, as I expected, and I wish I could send you a little of the peace. Since I can't, I'll send you the gift I got for you instead. I wish it was a box of happiness, but it's as close as I could come._

_I would never accuse you of being stupid and sentimental, believe me, but if I can run the risk of you thinking that of me, let me say that the best gift I've gotten this entire year has been your friendship. I can't imagine my life without you any more. Your words and understanding have meant more to me than anything else, and I shall treasure them always. I imagine it's not often that someone finds a kindred spirit, but I know I have in you, and I feel most blessed indeed._

_I hope the rest of your holiday is better than what it has been thus far. Just know that I'm sending good thoughts your way._

_Sincerely,  
Robert_

The owl was still waiting patiently by the window, and Remus smiled and passed it the parchment, along with one of his small supply of owl treats. Then he watched it fly off into the night sky, carrying what he hoped was some holiday cheer to someone he thought needed it rather desperately.

* * *

The remainder of the winter hols passed slowly for Severus, which he assumed was because he _wanted_ them to be over; any other time, they would have been over in a wink, but he had the letters from Robert to make the situation bearable. He didn't respond in kind to Robert's sentimentality, but secretly, the letter had made him happy. Being important to someone was new and different, and sometimes, it still surprised him to realize he really did matter to someone other than his mother. That someone would care if he was no longer around.

When the time came to return to Hogwarts, he went gladly. With any luck, he wouldn't have to return to his parents' house after the spring term, or at least not for long, and that thought heartened him, as did the thought of being under the same roof as his special friend again. Sometimes, he wondered who "Robert" really was, but every time he thought seriously about putting aside their aliases, he abandoned the idea. If Robert knew the person he had divulged so many secrets to and whom he claimed to hold so dear was Severus Snape, Severus had no doubt the friendship would be over, and he didn't want to lose Robert.

But the knowledge that he'd made and _kept_ a friend by virtue of his personality alone had an effect on him, and he returned to school with a more confident air. He _was_ worth knowing, and the Golden Gryffindors would never be able to make him feel worthless again, thanks to Robert.

The content of their letters shifted to fretting about their NEWTs as January wore on, interspersed with discussion and debate about the books Severus loaned Robert; Severus enjoyed being able to talk about his favorite books with someone who was intelligent enough to understand and appreciate them, and he found himself writing letters that were often longer than his homework.

The time he spent corresponding with Robert coupled with his new demeanor didn't go unnoticed, although Severus himself was oblivious to the fact that anyone was paying close attention to him until Valentine's Day rolled around and Regulus snogged him. Afterward, the first thing Severus did was return to his room and write a letter to Robert about it, not even questioning the impulse.

_Dear Robert,_

_I was going to mention how stupid and senseless all this Valentine's Day rubbish is, and I still think it's rubbish, but something more important happened today._

He paused and chewed on the end of his quill as he tried to figure out to unravel his tangled emotions and put them into words.

_Early on, you made a confession to me and told me your biggest secret, but I never told you anything in return, mostly because I don't have any big secrets. Or rather, I didn't, but I do now, and it's one I can't really tell anyone about either._

_I'm gay._

Severus stared at the words on the parchment. Somehow, writing them had made the idea more real, and for a moment, he considered crumpling the parchment and tossing it into the fire, but this was Robert, who had trusted him with a secret and whom he trusted more than anyone except his mum.

_I hadn't really thought about my own sexuality before. I didn't think anyone would ever fancy me, so I didn't see the point in figuring out who I might fancy. It seemed like a lot of time and energy that could be better spent elsewhere, like studying or reading a new text on cleaning charms. I mean, at least cleaning charms would be useful._

_But today, someone kissed me. A bloke. I wasn't expecting it, and it was pretty wet, but it was nice, too, and I don't think there's any room to doubt I prefer boys over girls. It was my friend, actually. He said he was tired of me paying more attention to books and some anonymous pen-pal than to him and if I had any sense, I'd see there was someone who wasn't anonymous who likes me a lot right under my sizable nose. Then he kissed me. On Valentine's Day. UGH. It's too soppy for words, and I'll never tell anyone else about this, ever._

_I don't know what this means or what will happen now. I think he's sulking because I didn't sweep him into my arms or miraculously produce flowers or something, but it isn't my fault. I wasn't expecting him to snog me, and I didn't know what to do. This is why I thought I'd be better off without fancying anyone!_

_Anyway, I don't know if I'll be kissing him again or if it was a one-off sort of thing. I suppose I'll find out when he starts speaking to me again._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

The pink hearts and flowers hung all over the Gryffindor common room were getting to be a bit much, and Remus made excuses to escape the party and make his way up to his room. There wasn't anyone special in his life, and likely there never would be, given his condition. He was happy for his friends; James had Lily, of course, and there were a dozen girls fawning all over Sirius and begging for kisses, and even Peter had a blushing Sixth Year girl glued to his side. A couple of girls had given him what he liked to think were hopeful looks, but he wasn't interested in any of them. Not just because of who they were, but also because they were girls; Remus had come to grips with his preferences two years before, when he finally had to admit that all his erotic dreams featured boys. He'd never acted on it, though. It was hard enough being a werewolf in a world of humans without being gay on top of it.

Alone at the top of Gryffindor Tower, he dropped down onto his bed and pulled out the latest book Ellison had sent him, telling himself it was a good chance to catch up on his reading. He couldn't concentrate, though, and finally dropped the book onto the mattress with a sigh. He knew he was different, and he knew he was often lonely, but it was days like this that underscored just how separate and different and _alone_ he truly was.

He didn't recognize the the scrabbling at the window at first, but when he did, he raised a brow, surprised to see an owl on the casement, staring in at him and blinking large yellow eyes. Shaking his head, he opened the window. "The others aren't here," he said, but the owl only hooted and held out a parchment to him. Surprised, Remus took it, wondering how much of a coincidence it could be for Ellison to write to him just when he was feeling most alone. Smiling, he closed the window and moved back to his bed, opening the parchment and scanning it eagerly.

Within moments, his smile had faded, his heart was pounding, and he realized with a start that he'd actually started to _growl_ , a subliminal reaction of the wolf that he repressed sternly. Ellison... Ellison was gay? But his friend had kissed him and was trying to take Ellison away from Remus! 

Jealousy and fear and anger welled up, forcing Remus to close his eyes. He had to get a grip on himself. His reaction wasn't sensible, after all; he had no right to be jealous, not if Ellison could actually find someone and be happy! It was hard enough being attracted to boys rather than girls, and if Ellison was able to find someone to care for him in person, that was good.

Actually, it was _awful_.

With a wave of his hand, Remus closed the curtains around his bed, then turned and buried his face in his pillow, breathing hard and trying to untangle the web of conflicting emotions rolling around inside him. He didn't even know who Ellison was, so how could he feel so possessive? But part of him insisted that it didn't matter what Ellison's form was, his mind, his _soul_ belonged to Remus. They'd shared more than Remus had shared with anyone else, and an growling voice inside was firmly saying that not only was Ellison his friend, Ellison was rightfully _his_.

"Merlin!" Remus choked out, crinkling the parchment in his hand. There was a spicy scent clinging to it, one he'd never consciously noticed before but which he realized now, with the wolf raising its head, he associated with Ellison. He'd ignored it before, probably because he knew, deep down, he could find Ellison simply by scenting him, if he chose. And suddenly he wanted to do exactly that, to go running through the school until he located his friend and snogged him until he forgot all about whoever this idiot was who wanted to take Ellison away from him.

It was wrong on so many levels that Remus couldn't even begin to count them. Ellison was the one he trusted most, the one he could tell almost anything, the one who _understood_ him in ways no one else ever would. He couldn't risk that! Ellison might be repulsed by him in person, and then Remus would have lost something that was incredibly special and precious. He wanted to, but he couldn't. No matter what, he just couldn't.

He sat up, scrubbing at his face and drawing in several shuddering breaths. For the first time, he was reluctant to write a reply, but he knew he must. Ellison had told him a secret, one he hadn't told anyone else - well, aside from the git who'd snogged him by default - and it had to be answered lest Ellison think Robert was rejecting him. Nothing could be farther from the truth, and Remus needed to make sure Ellison knew it.

Reaching out to his bedside table, Remus opened the drawer and took out a piece of parchment and a Muggle pen his mother had given him. His hands were shaking and he knew he'd splatter ink everywhere if he tried to use a quill, so this was safer.

_Dear Ellison,_

_I was surprised to get your letter and surprised at you being gay, but I guess I shouldn't have been, given how alike we are. It seems the similarities don't stop at history and books and a feeling of being outsiders. I realized I had a decided preference for boys two years ago, but I've never done anything about it. It's hard enough to fit in without adding that to my differences._

_I'm happy for you, though -_ Here Remus stopped, considering the words. He'd never really lied to Ellison, only evaded a bit, and he wondered if the words he'd just written really were a lie or just a bit of an exaggeration. He could happily rip the throat out of the boy who'd snogged Ellison, but he did want Ellison to be happy, so if this made him happy...

Sighing, Remus began to write again. _I do want you to be happy. I have to admit to feeling conflicted, though. I suppose I never considered what would happen between you and me if one of us found someone else. I hope I can still be a part of your life, even if you decide you do want to snog him again. You know I'm no more anonymous to you than you are to me, right? I don't know who you are, but I know you, and that's something I don't want to lose. You're too important to me, and the thought of not having you in my life makes me feel ill._

_Take care, and have a good night,  
Robert_

* * *

Severus supposed it was a good thing he didn't know who Robert really was or he might have been tempted to find him and shake him; he had left Regulus alone to stew, but he didn't hesitate to grab a quill and parchment so he could write a response to Robert. If he'd stopped to think about it, he might have realized where his priorities lay, but the thought didn't occur to him.

_Dear Robert,_

_Don't be stupid! Just because I might start seeing someone (which is not guaranteed), it doesn't mean anything will change between us. You're my friend and confidante, and I don't intend to give you up for anyone._

He stopped, realizing he'd never been quite so blunt about his regard for Robert before, but he didn't feel the urge to scratch out what he'd written or start over; it seemed Robert needed to be told in plain words, and Severus wasn't afraid of his words coming back to haunt him in light of things Robert had told him before.

_No matter who either of us snogs, you aren't going to lose me, so stop worrying about it._

Now that he'd got that off his chest, the impact of what Robert had said hit him. Robert was gay too. That realization made Severus' stomach feel squirmy in a way he didn't dislike; suddenly, he wished they hadn't agreed to remain anonymous because he suspected he might like snogging Robert more than he liked snogging Regulus.

Then again, Robert might be some spotty-faced troll with bad breath. At least he knew Regulus was good-looking, and while he didn't like to think he was so shallow that looks mattered a great deal, they didn't hurt. Besides, he still didn't want to ruin what he had with Robert by revealing his own identity; for all he knew, Robert would be horrified by the idea of snogging Severus. He wasn't anyone's version of a pin-up model, and deep down, he knew a fear of rejection was the main thing holding him back. That and the safety that anonymity offered. He was reluctant to give up the little haven they had created, even for the possibility of snogging.

With a sigh, he picked up his quill and began to write again.

_I want you to be happy too, so if there's someone you want to snog, I don't mind._

That wasn't entirely true; Severus didn't much like the idea of Robert snogging anyone else, but that way lay madness, and he squelched the thought quickly.

_As long as you promise it won't change anything too, then we'll be fine. I'll always be here for you, no matter what._

_And I'd appreciate it if you'd promptly forget I said something so appallingly soppy and burn this letter for good measure._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_


	3. Chapter 3

Winter gave way to spring, and the end of the year was fast approaching, an occurrence Remus anticipated with mixed feelings. He wasn't exactly certain how well he was going to be able to support himself out in the "real world", since he couldn't take a position where they would ask too many questions or notice that he needed to be off work once every month. 

He'd tried not to think of it, not even mentioning it to Ellison. Fortunately, nothing had seemed to change after the exchange on Valentine's Day, despite Remus' fears that it might. Ellison had been as good as his word, and it made Remus feel warm to know that no matter what happened, he wouldn't lose Ellison from his life. The certainty of that one thing helped to buoy him up, acting as his touchstone when he started to feel the worries and pressures of impending independence ganging up on him.

It was in May when he finally gave voice to his fears.

_Dear Ellison,_

_It's less than a month until we leave Hogwarts for good, and I have to say I'm worrying about it more and more. It's not just being away from what I'm familiar with, it's the thought of how I'm going to support myself without anyone finding out about my illness. When it becomes acute, I can't work, and I worry there will be questions if anyone notices._

_I've thought about working in the Muggle world, since they would be less likely to question things or figure it out. Perhaps in a bookshop, given how much I love them. I just wish I could be more certain of what's going to happen once I have to stand on my own two feet. I know there are no guarantees in life, but I'd settle for just a little bit of prescience for once._

_Well. How are your plans shaping up? I do hope you are able to find a proper outlet for your talents and abilities, something that will be fulfilling and make you happy. I know you can't tell me what your talents actually are, but I suspect they are formidable. Somehow I can't see you being second best at anything you put your mind to._

_Sincerely,  
Robert_

* * *

Robert's letter arrived while Severus was studying for Herbology, which was a subject he liked but that he had to work harder in than either Potions or Transfiguration. Regulus was giving him space, knowing he needed to concentrate on his up-coming NEWTs, but he was happy to push his books aside and take a break to read Robert's letter. Then, of course, he had to reply, and so he pushed his books further away to give himself space to write.

_Dear Robert,_

_You're right: I expect to be the best at whatever I do. I don't like being second best, and I push myself_

He paused, struck by a rare moment of self-awareness.

_harder than anyone else and harder than I should sometimes. I am most definitely a perfectionist. The only problem is getting recognition for my hard work. It goes unnoticed, and I want recognition. I want someone to acknowledge that I have talent, power, and skill, but no one here has ever done that. I keep being overlooked in favor of others, which is most frustrating._

_I believe I will find what I am looking for after I leave Hogwarts, however. I have a potentially good situation, not a job (I still have to find one), but rather membership in an organization where I believe my talents will be encouraged and my potential will be fully realized. I'm looking forward to finding out more about it, and if it seems like a place where I will finally be appreciated, I will join._

_I'm sure you'll find something, too. You're clever, and I get the feeling you're pretty powerful too, if you put your mind to it and get your courage up to use your abilities._

He paused again, debating about whether to voice his thoughts, but it seemed Robert could use a little encouragement, and so he continued.

_If I could do something to help, I would. Sometimes, I wish I could at least know what your illness is because maybe I could help cure it, but I know better than to ask. Just know I'd do something for you if I could._

_In the meantime, I hope you're still studying. Too many people are panicking at the last minute when they should have been studying for months, like I have. It'll be their own fault if they get poor marks, but I don't think we have anything to worry about._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

Remus read Ellison's letter, letting the words bolster his spirits as they always did. He wouldn't describe Ellison as effusive, but the simple words of support and encouragement helped Remus feel at least a bit better about things, even if they did nothing to solve his problems.

"Hey, Moony!" Remus put the letter aside and looked up at Sirius, who was smiling at him from a short distance away from Remus' table in the library. Things had grown more comfortable between them as the months passed, but they had never returned to the carefree simplicity of their earlier relationship. Still, Remus smiled back.

"Hey, Padfoot. What's up? Need some help with Charms?"

Sirius laughed and shook his head. "No, I'm fine. I just..." Oddly, Sirius looked a bit shy, and at Remus' raised eyebrow, he flushed. "Look, I was thinking, I'm getting a flat in London after school gets out, right? So... James and Lily want to be together, so there's going to be an extra bedroom going begging. If you wanted... well, maybe you could use it?"

Remus' eyes widened with surprise. Somehow he'd never thought that his friends' after-school plans had included him, and he realized he'd probably been unfair to them, not confiding his concerns when he could have and probably should have. Sirius sat down in the chair opposite, his expression pensive.

"Look, Moony," Sirius began, then sighed. "Things haven't ever been the same since... well, since I fucked up. I'm sorry. You'll never know how sorry I am that I did it. I didn't think about you, only about myself and my need to get back at Snivellus. It was wrong, and I'm sorrier than you can imagine, and I hate what it's done to our relationship. I waited, hoping things would get better, but they haven't, and... and I'm afraid that when we leave school, you'll go off on your own and never speak to me again, and I couldn't stand that."

Sirius' pale eyes were sincere, and Remus knew he meant every word he said. He knew Sirius was sorry for what he had done, and it was on the tip of his tongue to say that regrets were fine, but that the real problem was that Remus was afraid it would happen again. Perhaps he was being too paranoid about it, since he did think that Sirius liked him and certainly wouldn't deliberately betray him again, but he couldn't seem to help worrying, no matter how much he wanted to stop. But he had to admit it was a pretty miserable way to live, as though his innocence had somehow been stripped away, and he supposed in a sense, it had been. He couldn't go back to the way things were before, but perhaps it was time to try to make things better. Different, but still better.

Smiling, possibly the first genuine smile he'd given Sirius in a year, Remus nodded. "That would be brilliant, Padfoot. Thank you. I'd been worrying about what I was going to do, but this would be very helpful. I'll be looking for a job, and even if I don't know what it will be yet, having a place to stay will help a lot. Thank you."

Sirius released a breath, then smiled brilliantly, obviously relieved that Remus hadn't given him a polite but distant refusal. "Great, Moony! That's great! We'll head into London right after school ends and pick out a place, right? It'll be fun, you'll see!"

"I know, Padfoot. I'm sure it will." Remus watched as Sirius beamed at him.

"Okay! Look, must dash, but we'll make more plans soon, okay?" With a careless wave, Sirius sprang to his feet and was gone, leaving Remus alone again.

Surprisingly, Remus did feel a bit better. It wasn't the level of certainty he craved, but it gave him a place to start.

Pushing back his books, Remus took out a parchment and started a reply to Ellison. Between Ellison's staunch support and the offer Sirius had made, Remus was no longer dreading the end of school. He wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but he no longer felt like it could be the end of the world.

_Dear Ellison,_

_Thanks for your support. It means more to me than you could possibly imagine. Unfortunately, even if you know what my condition was, there wouldn't be anything you could do. I have been to healers since I was a small boy, and none of them hold out any hope for a cure. It is simply my burden to bear, but I am grateful for your unswerving support of me. I feel if there is anyone in this world I can rely upon, it's you._

_It speaks well of you that you know your abilities and won't compromise them for anyone. I'm sorry that you've never gotten the recognition you deserve; that must be hard, to be overlooked in favor of others who are less deserving. Unfortunately, I've seen it happen in this school, where instructors play arbitrary favorites, and while it's wrong, I doubt it will change. I also suspect it happens everywhere, not just within Hogwarts._

_I have indeed been studying; some subjects harder than others, of course, but I'm not terribly worried. I'm as prepared as I'm going to be, and that's the best thing._

_I did have a bit of good news just now. A friend from whom I've been somewhat distanced lately reached out to me, and he suggested that we get a flat together after leaving school. That solves one of my problems, and I'm glad. He actually came to me right after I got your note, so I'm crediting you with bringing me luck. So see, you did help me. You're my talisman, and yes, I know you don't believe in such things, but it comforts me to think it's true. You wouldn't want to disillusion me, would you? Or maybe it's just that you're so powerful, you're able to help me just by thinking about it._

_Must get back to studying. Good luck on your exams!_

_Yours,  
Robert_

* * *

When he received another letter from Robert, Severus decided he needed a break from studying anyway, and he opened the letter eagerly and scanned it, although he felt an odd sinking in his stomach at the mention of Robert moving in with someone. Surely Robert would have told him if he was seeing someone. Severus had told _him_ about Regulus!

The part about being Robert's good luck talisman mollified him somewhat, and his feathers had smoothed by the time he began to write his response.

_Dear Robert,_

_I'm glad something good has happened, although I'm not sure I want to take credit for you moving in with another boy. You said you were just friends, right?_

He nibbled the end of his quill, wondering if he ought to scratch out that last bit. It almost sounded like he was jealous, and that was ridiculous! He had a relationship of his own to worry about without wondering about Robert's love life as well. Regulus was already asking how they were going to maintain their relationship since he still had one more year at Hogwarts, and he was envious that Severus would be able to sign up with Voldemort before he could since his parents were making him wait until he was finished with school.

_Anyway, there's no way I'm going back to my parents' house permanently. I'll find a flat somewhere once I get a job. I plan to apply at every place where my innate talents will be useful first; I believe my qualifications will work in my favor, and I won't have to resort to anything awful, like selling shoes at Madam Malkin's. If all goes according to plan, my membership in that organization I mentioned will help me succeed even further._

_I think my life will be much different and better. I think I'll be a success. I'm doing all the right things to make it happen, and I have no reason to believe my efforts won't pay off in the end. In the meantime, I do need to get back to my textbooks. Perhaps we ought to try not writing to each other until our NEWTs are over? It isn't that I don't want to hear from you, but the temptation to procrastinate is too great. When I get a letter from you, I want to read it and reply right away. It's one area in which my self-control is sadly lacking, I suppose._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

In deference to Ellison's wishes, Remus didn't write again until NEWTs were over.

He didn't resent the request, since Ellison made it obvious that he wanted to read Remus' letters, a sentiment Remus understood quite well, for he felt the same way about Ellison's letters. It also gave him time to mull over some of the things Ellison had said.

Of course, Remus picked up on the oddness of Ellison wanting to know if he and Sirius were "just friends". Remus had learned to deal with the internal jealousy he felt over the fact that Ellison had gone from just snogging _his_ friend to shagging him, even though it had been hard to do. Remus wished he could be the one Ellison was with, rather than this other faceless boy, but there was simply no help for it. What cannot be cured must be endured, as Remus had known since he had been bitten as a tiny child. He didn't have to like that he couldn't share in an aspect of Ellison's life that someone else could, but he did have to bear it. The only comfort Remus had was in knowing Ellison had kept his word and had not forsaken him; yet that didn't explain why Ellison sounded almost jealous over Remus' plan to move in with someone.

Then there was the matter of the group Ellison had said he was considering joining. Perhaps he was thinking of becoming an Auror? Ellison was certainly smart enough, and it was a good career, one that anyone could be proud of. If Remus hadn't known from the start his condition made it impossible for him to become an Auror, he would have considered it himself. Yet he didn't envy Ellison's ability to get what he wanted; he was proud of Ellison and wanted only the best for him.

At last their tests were over, and Remus wasted no time after his final exam in putting quill to parchment and writing to Ellison.

_Dear Ellison,_

_Well, the last test is done, and in short order, we shall be set free, cast out into the real world to sink or swim, as the case may be._

_I have no doubt you did superbly, and for my part, I think I did well enough. Not that it matters, really, other than as a matter of pride for me. I doubt I'll ever be able to use my education for much of anything useful, unlike you. I will keep my fingers crossed and send good wishes your way that everything turns out exactly as you wish._

_To answer the point in your last letter, yes, the person I'm moving in with is just a friend. He knows about my condition, as do a very few other people, and he knows how to help me deal with it when I am stricken, which is a good thing, but he's never been more than my friend. He's definitely one for the ladies, anyway, and even if he weren't, he's not my type. Not that I know exactly what my type is, other than I think that I would prefer tall and dark. But I'm not looking for anyone, anyway; I couldn't be with anyone without telling them about my condition, and given that in all the time I've had it, I've willingly told one person - you - I suppose that tells you what my chances are of ever finding anyone. Perhaps it's better that way; my illness isn't easily communicable, but it is possible for someone else to become infected if I'm not careful. I simply couldn't live with that on my conscience, if I accidentally afflicted someone else with something that has caused me so much pain and alienation. Alas, I'll probably die a virgin, but that's much better than knowing that I accidentally ruined the life of my lover._

_Enough seriousness, though. Are you going to be celebrating your liberation? I'm not the partying type, but if you have a drink, lift a glass for me._

_Yours,  
Robert_

* * *

Severus was sprawled on his bed, feeling mentally drained after the exhaustive round of tests, and the only thing that could possibly make him move was the tap of an owl at the window; he knew the only one who would be sending him mail at this point would be Robert, since his mother knew he would be coming home in a matter of days - albeit only until he found a job - and had no need to write to him. Groaning, he rolled out of bed and opened the window, summoning an owl treat to exchange for the letter, and then he returned to his bed and flopped against the pillows to read his letter in comfort.

Seeing Robert's familiar handwriting made a smile curve his lips, one of the few things that could do so, but it faded as he read, and he quickly summoned a quill, ink, parchment, and a book to write on.

_Dear Robert,_

_I dislike the thought of you giving up hope of a love life,_ he began. That Robert said he might like someone tall and dark gave him a little flare of something he didn't care to identify or think about; he was already in a relationship - one with which he was quite satisfied - and there was no real hope of pursuing a relationship with Robert anyway. He also knew he ought not feel glad that Robert's roommate was straight, but he couldn't help it.

_You have a lot to offer a partner, and your kindness and good nature will be wasted if you insist on remaining alone. You are the type who ought to be in a relationship, and it's a mystery to me that I am while you are not. If I had wagered on it a year ago, I would have bet it would be the other way around._

_Surely there are precautions you can take to keep a lover safe. I think you're underestimating how someone who really cares about you would react to the knowledge of your illness. Someone who cares for you might be more understanding and accepting than you think._

I would be, he thought, but he stopped just short of writing the words.

_I dislike the idea that you won't be able to use your talents and abilities to the fullest extent. That isn't at all fair! Surely there's something you can do without being held back by your illness. It seems as if you're allowing your entire life to be governed by this illness rather than trying to change things. Don't settle, Robert. You shouldn't have to, no matter how sick you are._

_Most sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

_Dear Ellison,_

_Thank you for the encouragement; as ever, at the moment when I read your words, I have this feeling of invulnerability. I wish I could assure you that my illness didn't govern my life, that I felt that I could overcome anything and be as strong as you are, but all I can say is that I'll try. I don't want to be held back, and I really don't want to be alone, but I've learned to be realistic about my chances. Trust me, I've had over twelve years to see how people with my condition are treated in our society, and I have no reason to believe that fighting it is going to make my life miraculously better. That doesn't mean I've given up; I know you wouldn't let me do that, anyway. But I will have to be careful to pick my battles, and since I'm not exactly being overwhelmed with offers for shagging, I guess I'll start with trying to find a job._

_Well, tomorrow we head back to London. I have to admit I'm going to be looking at everyone on the train and wondering if they're you. Perhaps I'll just blame you for my disinterest in anyone to stimulate me; you've set a very high standard, since I couldn't possibly be interested in anyone who wasn't as fascinating as you._

_Yours, as always,  
Robert_

Remus gave the parchment to the waiting owl, then crept out of the library and headed back toward Gryffindor Tower. He knew he probably should have just waited until getting back to London to send Ellison another message, but he couldn't sleep, anyway. Somehow it was fitting that the last message he sent at Hogwarts wasn't to his parents, but to the pen-pal who had done so much to enrich his life. Just about the only saving grace at leaving the school was the knowledge that he wouldn't lose Ellison in the process. Ellison was with him, no matter what. That, and his lycanthropy, seemed to be the only certainties in Remus' life.

* * *

As Severus made his way along the narrow corridor on the Hogwarts Express, he glanced into each compartment in search of an empty one; he told himself he wasn't looking at the older boys and wondering which one was Robert, as Robert said he was going to do. Robert's letter was in his pocket where he could re-read it, although he already had this particular letter practically memorized, especially the part about Robert finding him fascinating. He knew Robert's attitude would probably change as soon as he knew who "Ellison" really was, but it was nice to think that someone found him fascinating and stimulating, at least in writing.

He wouldn't be sitting with Regulus; due to his status as favored son, Regulus had to be careful, and his parents wouldn't be happy about him being seen with someone so far below his social status. Regulus wasn't at all happy about the enforced separation since he would be returning to Hogwarts in September and Severus would not, but like someone else Severus knew, Regulus disliked confrontations, and he preferred trying to please his parents rather than go after what _he_ wanted.

But the truth was, Regulus wasn't uppermost in Severus' mind at the moment; he was far more preoccupied with wondering whether Robert was a blond, brunet, or redhead and whether his eyes were dark or light as he peeked into the filled compartments.

Remus walked carefully down the corridor, trying to avoid bumping into anyone as he looked for a place to sit. He could have been with his friends, of course, but he wanted to be alone so he could think and say a private goodbye to the life he'd known for the last seven years. He wasn't consciously looking for Ellison, of course, but he did wonder which of the students might be his friend. 

It wouldn't be anyone of the laughing throngs inhabiting most of the cars, of that he was certain. So far the only person he'd seen sitting alone was Regulus Black, but the glare he'd received when he'd peeked in had made him withdraw hastily. Regulus wouldn't be his Ellison, anyway; he still had another year of school, and Ellison was finished with Hogwarts in more ways than one.

The train lurched, but Remus easily adjusted his stance to account for it. As horrible as lycanthropy was, there were a couple of small benefits as well, such as his sense of balance and his strength. So he moved gracefully down the length of the train, pausing only when he saw Severus Snape ahead of him, looking into a compartment before withdrawing once again.

Remus had many feelings about Severus, most of them tinged with regret. He'd never wanted to hurt Severus, and Sirius' unfortunate prank could have meant Remus killed Severus, or even worse, infected him. Despite his friends' hatred of the Slytherin, however, Remus had never disliked the other boy. Severus was smart and clever, and Remus had often thought that if he'd been sorted into Ravenclaw, the two of them could have been friends. But Slytherins and Gryffindors didn't mix, and as stupid and unfair as that was, it was also an unfortunately inescapable fact.

Of course, they were neither of them in a House, not any longer. Remus wished he had stood up more to James and Sirius when it came to their feud with Severus; if he had, perhaps things would have been different and better. But maybe it wasn't too late to start; Ellison had encouraged Remus to do what he wanted to be happy and to take a chance. Remus had always found Severus interesting, and his looks were fine as far as Remus was concerned. And, if nothing else, Severus knew exactly what Remus was; perhaps it wasn't too late to salvage something.

Drawing closer, Remus smiled slightly. "Hello, Severus," he greeted the other boy, his voice soft. "Are you looking for a quiet place, too?"

Severus had been too engrossed in his own thoughts to notice Lupin's approach, but at Lupin's soft salutation, he drew himself up and donned his prickly armor, peering down his nose at Lupin. "That is none of your concern," he replied coldly.

"Of course not," Remus said agreeably. He hesitated for a moment, then drew in a breath. "Since this might be the last time I see you, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything. I know that doesn't make up for everything that happened in seven years, but I wanted you to know I do regret that things weren't better between us. House rivalries are stupid and pointless, and I didn't do right by you when I was a Prefect, either. Even if you can't forgive me, I wanted to say it."

Severus' eyes widened in shock at the unexpected apology; of all the things he thought Lupin might say to him, that wasn't it, and he found himself momentarily at a loss for words.

"Saying you're sorry doesn't change what you and your friends did to me," Severus retorted, rallying himself at last. "It doesn't change _anything_."

"I suppose it doesn't, if you don't want to let it." Remus' voice was still low, and he felt a stab of disappointment. He shouldn't have, of course, since it had taken him almost a year to truly forgive what Sirius had done, and Severus had many more years of resentment built up against Remus. Still, he was glad he had said the words, even if they hadn't changed Severus' mind. "I didn't really expect it to, I suppose, but I wanted to say it anyway. I've had a lot of time to think in the past year, and I've been talking with someone who has shown me beyond any doubt that if I want things to change, I have to try to change them. I would like to change things between you and me, because regardless of what you may think, I've never hated you or wanted to see you hurt."

"Right." Severus curled his lip in a sneer of disbelief. He didn't know what was motivating Lupin's last-minute confession, but he was certainly no priest willing to offer absolution. "That's why you, Potter, and Black tried to kill me with that little 'prank' of yours."

"I didn't know what Sirius was planning, and neither did James," Remus replied, keeping his tone even. He didn't want to argue with Severus; he just wanted Severus to understand. "Why would I want to do that to you or anyone else? If James hadn't stopped it, if you had been bitten or killed, I would have gone to Azkaban or been executed. Believe me, Severus, I have no desire to make anyone else like me. It's not something I want to share! Sirius acted on his own, and when James saved you, he saved me, too."

Severus drew back, disdain turning to surprise on his features. He hadn't thought about what would happen to Lupin if the 'prank' had succeeded; he'd been too preoccupied in thinking about how he'd almost been made werewolf chow. He couldn't deny the truth of what Lupin was saying; he'd studied Dark magical creatures extensively, and he knew the penalties as well as Remus did, and he knew they'd grown more stringent since that Greyback animal had turned up, seeming determined to kill or turn as many humans as he could.

"Fine!" he snapped, lifting his chin haughtily. "Once again, you were merely a passive participant, just as you have been all along."

"I was as much a victim as you were," Remus replied. "Sirius didn't plan it out, and he didn't _think_. It was an irrational act based on the way the two of you have fought since we were children. But it's time to put away childish things. I don't want to be at odds with you, Severus. I'm done being passive." Remus sighed, then smiled. "I doubt you would accept my friendship, but know that it's yours if you ever want it. If there is anything I've learned this last year, it's that people are far more than what they seem on the surface, and that the most unlikely people might be kindred spirits."

Lupin was extending an offer of friendship to _him_? Severus could barely process the idea, and while part of him thought about Robert and their conversations about not judging people, most of him was bristling with instinctive distrust born of years of experience. It would be far easier to be open and accepting if he didn't have seven years worth of bad memories with Lupin.

"Typical!" he retorted at last. "You wait until we're all about to go our separate ways to make a peace offering, when it won't do any bloody good. Your friends are conveniently absent and won't bear witness to the touching scene, and you can go on your merry way, smugly satisfied that you've extended an olive branch to ol' Snivellus right before you never see him again. Bollocks!"

"It's not like that!" Remus protested, lifting one hand in appeal. "You're right, I should have done it sooner, but I'm not doing it now because it's too late. I was hoping it was just the opposite. Now that we're leaving school, we can put it all behind us!" He sighed, letting his hand fall. "I should have done it years ago, and I'm sorry for that, too. It took a long time for me to grow up and decide that I can't please everyone. Maybe too long. But I..."

At that moment, the train gave a violent lurch, forcing Remus back against the wall, and Severus was falling directly toward him. Instinctively Remus put up his hands and caught Severus by the shoulders, holding him upright. Severus' body was pressed against his, and Remus drew in a breath. Then his eyes widened, a startled gasp escaping him as he caught Severus' scent. A scent he knew.

_Ellison!_

The rich, spicy odor that had clung to all of Ellison's letters was as familiar to Remus as his own, and there was no mistaking it now, stronger than ever as it came from Severus' skin and clothes. Joy leapt within Remus at the thought that he'd found his friend at long last, and he had to resist the urge to slide his arms around Severus and pull him into a fierce hug.

Severus froze at finding himself suddenly thrown against Lupin - _pressed_ against him, actually - and his traitorous mind registered that Lupin's body was warm and solid, seeming to fit well against his. Horrified, he recoiled and shoved himself away from Lupin as hard and quickly as he could. The fact that Lupin was a werewolf didn't bother him nearly as much as the fact that Lupin was an old, hated enemy, one of the four who had made his life at Hogwarts a living hell when school could have been a blessed haven from his home life. He had hoped it would be, but that pack of Gryffindors had made certain he hated Hogwarts as much as he hated home. The last thing he wanted was to find one of them appealing in any way - or to give them more ammunition to use against him.

"Leave me alone, Lupin! I don't want anything to do with you!"

Joy was quickly replaced by shock, then sadness, as Severus pushed away from him as though his touch was loathsome. Remus remained pressed back against the wall, his eyes wide with stunned hurt at the rejection. He'd found Ellison... He'd found his soul-mate, but it wasn't at all like he'd ever imagined it could be! There was too much history, too much hurt between the two of them, and Remus wanted to howl in his pain and frustration.

Severus obviously hadn't recognized him, but Remus had to wonder if it would be any different if he had. Perhaps Severus would have been even more horrified to realize the boy he'd shared his deepest thoughts with, the person he'd forged such a deep connection with was Remus, an obviously despised and hated enemy. But Remus didn't blame Severus; it was his own fault for not having come forward sooner, for not having done the right thing. He'd lost Severus before he'd ever met Ellison, and Remus felt a soul wearying despair at the knowledge.

It was clear Severus must never find out that Remus and Robert were one in the same; it would cost him Ellison's friendship, and that was something Remus couldn't bear to lose. All dreams of ever being with Ellison in any way other than writing died, and a secret hope Remus had cherished faded away. 

"I'm sorry." Remus' voice was low and husky, and he realized with horror he was on the verge of tears. "It's my fault. You'll... you'll never know just how sorry I am, Severus. But I wish you all the best."

Caught up in his own tumultuous thoughts, Severus didn't respond; he shook his head and hurried away, eager to escape the situation - the person - who was causing him such confusion. All he wanted was to find a quiet compartment somewhere and think, and he desperately wanted to write to Robert as well. Perhaps Robert could help him make sense of everything. Suddenly, he couldn't wait to get home where he could hole up in his room and unburden his thoughts on paper to the one person he knew would understand. To his only friend.

Remus watched Severus walk away, biting down hard on his lip to keep himself from calling out to him, to call him by the name that only Remus knew. But he didn't. Instead he stood, watching as Severus - as _Ellison_ \- moved away from him, and for the first time, he understood what it meant to have a broken heart.


	4. Chapter 4

Severus' mum met him at the station, her eyes damp with tears of pride as she enfolded him in an embrace right there in front of everyone. Severus allowed the embrace and even returned it, secretly pleased to have made her proud with his accomplishments. She asked questions about his NEWTs and his plans for the future on the way home; neither of them were in a hurry to return to Spinner's End and Tobias, and Severus even coaxed her into stopping at the Leaky Cauldron for dinner just to prolong the pleasure of their outing. They both knew it would end once they went home, and while Severus felt guilty for leaving her there alone, he also couldn't wait until he found a job and could afford to leave once and for all.

He didn't bother greeting his father when they arrived home at last; he went straight to his room and locked the door, leaving his luggage piled on the floor. The only things he wanted to unpack were his writing utensils, and within five minutes, he was at his desk, writing to his friend.

_Dear Robert,_

_I'm home safe and sound. Mum and I had dinner together, and it was nice, just the two of us without Dad there to spoil everything like he always does. She's proud of me, and like you, she's confident I'll succeed at whatever I put my mind to. I want to make her even more proud to say I'm her son. She wants a better life for me than she had, and I want it too, not just for myself, but so she can feel like she accomplished something through me._

_Anyway, before I get too maudlin, there's something I need to talk to you about. I've wanted to write to you all day, and this is one time I wished I knew who you were because I needed someone sensible to talk to._

_What happened is, this boy came up to me on the train and apologized to me. For seven years, he and his friends made life at school miserable for me, when all I wanted was a safe place to escape my life at home. I thought school would be better, but it was just as bad, if not worse. At least Dad isn't drunk all the time, but there, I never knew when they were going to accost me. I always had to be on guard._

_Today, one of them said he was sorry and he wanted to put it all behind us, maybe even be friends. I'm not sure whether I even believe him or not, but if he meant what he said, why didn't he do it when it mattered? If he wanted to be friends, why didn't he ever once tell his real friends to back off? _

Severus felt a hateful prickling of his eyelids, and he paused to scrub his eyes with his fists before continuing.

_He could have stopped them, but he never did, not once. He just sat there and let it happen._

_But the worst thing is that the train lurched and threw me against him, and I could feel him. I was actually turned on by him, this useless lump who lets everyone walk all over him._

_I don't know what to think or what to believe. On the one hand, it doesn't matter. It isn't as if I'll ever see him again anyway. On the other, maybe he meant it. But what if it was another trick? One last prank at my expense? I don't know what to make of it, and for once, writing it all out hasn't helped me make any sense of it._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

Remus' parents met him at the station, but Remus was distracted, looking around for Severus, hoping for one last glimpse, as painful as it would be. But in the chaos, he wasn't able to spot Severus' tall figure, and with a sad smile, he turned to greet his mother and father, who were happy to see him. His dad had brought the family's old car, and within a short time, Remus' trunk was loaded in the back, and they were on their way out of London, heading to the small village where Remus had grown up and the run-down old house they called home.

His parents had chattered at him, and Remus had given dutiful answers, but his heart wasn't in it. He was too unsettled by what had happened on the train and the sudden thought that he might never hear from Ellison again. He wanted to write to his friend, but there was no possible way for him to bring up the subject of what had happened without giving everything away. All he could do was hope that Ellison mentioned it at some point, but that wasn't a certain thing at all.

Excusing himself from dinner, claiming fatigue, Remus went to his room and flopped down on the bed. He ought to be thinking about what he was going to do with his life, about contacting Sirius to look for a flat, and about scanning the want ads for a job, but he didn't feel like doing any of it. All he really wanted to do was bury his head under the pillows and never come out again.

He must have dozed off, because he came awake with a start at the sound of scratching at his window, and he glanced over to see an owl looking in at him. Remus wasted no time scrambling from the bed and letting the creature in, although he had to dig in his school sack to find a piece of biscuit to offer the owl for its troubles. 

"Wait, please," he told the bird. "I think there will be a reply."

Flopping down on the bed, he opened the parchment with trembling fingers and scanned the contents quickly. Then he flopped back on the bed, staring at the ceiling in shock and relief.

He hadn't mess it all up... and Ellison - _Severus_ \- had rushed off because he'd been attracted!

That was something Remus hadn't expected, but it made him feel a lot better. He was also happy that he'd offered the apology before finding out that Severus and Ellison were one in the same, because he could have a clear conscience about his motives. The question was what to do now; he still couldn't confess who he was, but maybe, just maybe, he could try to help Severus understand.

Parchment and ink were easily rooted from his trunk, and Remus began to write.

_Dear Ellison,_

_I'm glad you got home safely and that things are good with your mother. She sounds a lot like mine, although I seem to have been far luckier in the father department than you were. Hopefully your father won't be too difficult to deal with until you can get out of the house and into a place of your own. I'll think good thoughts for you on that._

_Well, it sounds like you had a bit of adventure on the train. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you through it._

_If I'm understanding you correctly, this boy was part of a group that hurt you, but he never hurt you directly, he was only a passive participant? And he apologized for his actions?_

_I can understand your suspicion. When someone hurt me, a close friend, it took me a long time to forgive him, although I did, eventually. I can see where you might think you have no reason to forgive this boy because he allowed you to be hurt and did nothing. I suppose what would make a difference, at least to me, would be his motives in being passive. Was he afraid he might end up the target if he did anything to stop them? Was he afraid of losing their friendship for some reason? What was the underlying cause for what he did?_

_Obviously he was shamed by his actions, I think. Otherwise, why bother to apologize? Perhaps it's a case of too little, too late in your eyes, and that's understandable. But it should mean a little something that he even made the attempt. It doesn't sound like a prank to me, because what would be the motive for that, if you never think to see him again? Perhaps he just finally grew a bit of a backbone, knowing he would no longer be as much at the whims of others. It's hard to say, of course, since I don't know who it is or why, but it's probably worth questioning, at least. Especially given that you reacted to him._

_It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know. Perhaps you like his type? Perhaps there was some bit of attraction between you that never came out because of the surrounding circumstances?_

_I think the important question here is what do **you** want? Do you want to believe him? Does it help you heal for him to have acknowledged his wrong-doing and offered an apology, no matter how inconsequential it seems now? Do you want to believe he knows he caused you pain and regrets it?_

_You've had too much pain in your life, my friend. Too much grief for things you had no control over, like your father, or weren't your fault, like being the victim of this boy and his friends. But we all need to let the wounds of our lives heal sometimes, or else they will fester and destroy us. It's sort of like my illness: if I didn't try to get better, it really would kill me. Only you can make that decision, though. Only you can decide when and if you're ready to let go of old hurts and try to move on._

_It seems like leaving school is a good time to try to let some things go, if you can. Just know that you can talk to me about any of it, and I'll do my very best to help you through it. I'm here for you, and I will listen and understand._

_Yours,  
Robert_

* * *

As soon as he received Robert's response, Severus sequestered himself in his room again and read it once quickly and read it again slowly, thinking about what Robert had written. It helped, as he hoped it would, to get an objective opinion about the situation. He sat down at his desk and studied the letter, chewing on the end of his quill as he thought about his response.

_Dear Robert,_

_Thanks for being sensible about it; getting a different perspective from someone outside the situation does make a difference._

_The boy in question never did anything directly to me, no. I thought he did once, but under the circumstances, I'm inclined to believe him when he says he didn't know what his friends had planned. I suppose his worst crime was being passive, which I can't and don't respect in his situation, no matter what his reasons for it were. I have no idea why he never did anything to stop them. Maybe, as you say, he was afraid of losing their friendship. I don't know, and I don't care. Maybe you can understand him better than I can because you've wanted to fit in and be accepted, but the difference between the two of you is that his need to be accepted came at the cost of someone else's humiliation and pain._

_As for what I want, I don't know. On the one hand, it is too little, too late. Maybe if he'd approached me sooner, it would be different, but to wait until his friends weren't around and we were all going out separate ways, never to see each other again (at least I hope not) just seems empty._

_On the other hand, yes, it does help to think that if he was sincere, he actually realized what he did wrong and regrets it. It does help for one of them to acknowledge how miserable they made my life. I gave back as good as I got, but I didn't start the battle to begin with, and I didn't want to fight a seven year war._

_I'd rather not think about how I reacted to him. I mean, even if I didn't have a boyfriend already (God, that sounds so stupid, but I don't know how else to describe him), there's no way I'd get involved with that boy, even if he's gay (which I don't know) and even if he found enough backbone to be with me. He wouldn't ever do that, though, because his precious friends would hate it. I couldn't be with someone I don't respect anyway, so whether I find him attractive or not is a moot point all the way around._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

Some of the things in Severus' letter made Remus wince; it was true that he should have apologized sooner, and he wasn't certain why he hadn't. Perhaps he was still protecting himself without even realizing it, but whatever the reason, Severus did have a point. It was hard not to feel guilty, especially now that he knew Severus and Ellison were one and the same.

This was, however, a golden opportunity to set things right or to at least make the attempt. If he could help Severus to understand, perhaps there would be a chance for them to have a real relationship someday after all. Knowing that Ellison was Severus Snape wasn't a turn off, not at all. In fact, Remus rather thought that tall, dark and snarky might suit him quite well, even if it might take a while to get to that point.

The difficulty was going to be in saying the right things without giving away so much information that Severus realized whom he really was. He couldn't afford to reveal himself until Severus was ready to forgive him, and how long that might take was impossible to predict.

_Dear Ellison,_

_I do try to be sensible. I don't always succeed, unfortunately, but I want to help you, so hopefully I can provide a logical point of view._

_You're right, maybe I can understand him to an extent. That doesn't mean I condone what he did and caused you to suffer by his passivity; you're right, he was wrong, and it sounds as though he acknowledges that. Do you know why he might have been passive? Did his friends have some kind of hold over him, or was he just the type to be a flunky and never stand up for himself? Did he have a reason to fear taking action? I'm not saying if there was a reason, it means he should be forgiven, not if you don't wish to forgive him, but maybe it's something to think about._

Remus paused, rereading what he had written, wondering what else he could safely say, what he wanted to say that might help Severus. He drew in a breath and started to write again.

_I don't think any apology, if it is sincere, is completely empty. Sometimes it takes people some time to acknowledge they were wrong, but since it sounds like he didn't **have** to apologize to you and made the effort anyway, it still might be worth a little something. As you said, if it makes you feel better that someone acknowledged what you were forced to endure, then that is a good thing, at least in some small way._

_One of the difficulties in interacting with other people is that we only see of them what they allow us to see. That's even true between you and me, since we both deliberately withhold some things so that the other can't make an identification. He (or I, for that matter) can only know of the things you're dealing with in relation to your father if you tell us, just as you only know of my illness because I told you. People should do what is right simply because it's right, but that doesn't always happen. I'm guilty of it, I know, and I bet you are, too, simply because we are human and flawed. At any rate, I suppose what I'm trying to say in my rambling way is that he couldn't know he was adding to your inner pain or that his inaction was robbing you of a desperately needed haven. His actions might have been different if he had. Or maybe they wouldn't have, but he had no way of knowing what it was costing you, so it's hard to say that his motivation was to deliberately make your life hell._

_What I wish is that I could help you to feel better about everything. Sometimes what we need for that is to believe someone understands our pain. If he did seem sincere, and if you feel he has acknowledged it was partially his fault that you suffered, then go ahead and allow yourself a tiny bit of healing over what happened. You carry so much pain, my friend, and I'd like to know you can let go of a little of it just to lighten your burden._

_Yours always,  
Robert_

* * *

Empathy had never been one of Severus' strong points. He tended to be rather inflexible once he'd made up his mind about something, and he knew that, which made Robert's letter all the more difficult for him to digest. He wasn't accustomed to putting himself in anyone else's shoes, not when he had enough trouble wearing his own, and compassion was not something that came easily and naturally for him. Still, he couldn't deny Robert had given him food for thought, and he spent a few days chewing over what Robert had written while he went job-hunting until he felt ready to respond.

_Dear Robert,_

_I've been out looking for a job these past few days, and I think I have a good chance of being hired at a couple of places. I'll let you know how it works out. I hope you're adjusting to life after Hogwarts well and that you can find a job, something you actually want to do, as well._

_I've been busy, but I've been thinking about your last letter quite a lot, too. There actually is a reason why the boy might have been afraid of confronting his friends. I don't know if that's why he never stood up to them, but I guess it might have been part of the reason, at least. I don't think it makes what he did (or in his case, didn't) do any more acceptable, but maybe it means there was a reason other than him being a weak-willed, spineless rug who let himself be led around by the nose all the time._

_You're right about one thing: he didn't know about my life outside of Hogwarts. No one did except one person, a girl I grew up with who went to Hogwarts too. She knew, but I don't think she ever told anyone. I don't know how much difference it would have made to the boy or his friends anyway. Maybe he was just going along with whatever they wanted, but I think they wanted a target, and if they'd known, it only would have been more ammunition to use against me. They would have exploited any weakness they saw in me, so I didn't give out any information to anyone that could have been used as a weapon later._

_They'll see, though. One day, I'll be strong and powerful, and they'll regret they ever tried to break me. You wait and see: I'm going to have the last laugh, one way or another._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

_Dear Ellison,_

_I hope things are going well for you. Sorry it's been a little while since I've written, but things have been happening. Not just work, or the sort of uneasiness everyone is feeling these days, but my parents died. It's been hard, and I've been trying to deal with it as best as I can._

Remus paused in his writing, drawing in a heavy breath an pinching the bridge of his nose. It seemed so commonplace, written down that way, when the fact of the matter was his parents' death had been a difficult, painful thing for him. They had been so young, really, but unfortunately, automobile accidents didn't spare people on the basis of how much life they had left to live or the things they hadn't had time to do. 

He'd had to quit his job to come back home and deal with the funeral and the house. It wasn't a huge loss, not really, but Remus had worked in the small Muggle bookshop for well over a year, the longest employment he'd ever held. It didn't pay a great deal, but it was enough for him to pay his share of the rent on the flat he and Sirius shared and keep him fed and clothed. Nothing beyond that, but no matter how much he looked, there wasn't any job he could find where he felt that his lycanthropy might not be discovered or where his necessary absences wouldn't wind up with him getting the sack. 

Now he had his parent's house, but there was even less employment in the little village than there was London. By rights, he ought to sell the house and use the proceeds to live on, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. It was the house where he had been raised, and his parents had loved it, small and shabby though it might be. It was _home_ , and it was one touchstone Remus wasn't willing to lose. Besides, he might have need of it in the future.

Sharing a flat with Sirius had worked out fine at first, but the situation in the world had soon started to deteriorate rapidly. The so-called Dark Lord, whose name most people didn't even want to say, was casting a large pall over the whole of the Wizarding World, and rumors abounded about who his favored servants, the Death Eaters, might be. Everyone was looking at everyone else with suspicion, and Remus had, unbelievably, even caught Sirius and James looking at _him_ with expressions of concern from time to time when they thought he might not notice.

Which was ridiculous, of course. Remus was on Dumbledore's side just as firmly as James and Sirius, and Dumbledore knew that and trusted him, for which Remus was grateful. Paranoia was becoming rampant, though, and even he wasn't immune to it, wondering just who of the people he'd grown up with and gone to school with had joined with Lord Voldemort and wanted to purge the Wizarding World of Muggleborn and half-blood Wizards in an attempt to "purify" the race.

Needless to say, it was almost certain that most of the Slytherins Remus knew had ended up on the wrong side in the struggle, and that, unfortunately, seemed to include Severus as well. In retrospect, Remus could see that his friend had been recruited even before leaving school, if the "group" Severus had mentioned as being interested in offering him opportunities had been the Death Eaters. It hurt, thinking that Severus was among the people trying to destroy others based simply on the circumstances of their birth, but there wasn't anything he could do about it.

He hadn't stopped his correspondence with Ellison, though, even if their letters had become less frequent over time, and Ellison's had taken on an almost secretive air, which fit right in with Remus' fears about Severus' activities. Yet Ellison was still Ellison, and Remus was devoted to him, no matter what. The letters were the only way he had of possibly saving Severus, and so he'd kept them up, warning Severus about the "dangerous people" in their world and exhorting him to be careful and not trust anyone or believe anything that anyone promised him. He didn't know if it was doing any good, but he had to try, and hopefully Severus would come to his senses and realize that he'd gotten involved with the wrong crowd, no matter how much they promised him.

Glancing around the shabby but clean parlor of his parents' house, Remus wondered if this place could be his haven any longer, if even the remoteness of the village and its sparse population would be able to shield him if the Death Eaters put him on their list. He was surprised, in a way, that he'd not already been a target, either for recruitment or destruction. All that he could figure was that Severus hadn't told the Death Eaters that his old classmate Remus Lupin was a werewolf. That, more than anything, convinced Remus that Severus was still good inside, that he hadn't totally embraced the insanity of the Dark Lord. Severus had every reason to sell him out and apparently hadn't done so, and that meant all hope wasn't lost.

Sighing, he returned to his letter, hoping to reach Severus and convince him to give up his part in the madness.

_It was an automobile accident, which in an odd way I'm thankful for, if they had to die. It would be so much worse if they had been targeted as I've heard other people have been. My Mum was Muggleborn, you see, and I'm sure you've heard there are people out to destroy everyone who isn't a pureblood. Which is horrible and sad and wrong; my mother never hurt anyone, and it seems like this situation is far worse than what we both complained about in school. People are being targeted for being "different" based on some arbitrary standard set by a madman, and they are being destroyed. It makes the bullying you endured and the fear I lived with pale into insignificance, doesn't it? No one should be killed for how they were born!_

_At any rate, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rail at you. I suppose my emotions are rather close to the surface these days. You don't know who you can trust and who might be on the wrong side. If this continues much longer, this Dark Lord will win just by tearing apart our entire society._

_I hope you are well, my friend. I think of you all the time and hope that you are safe. It would kill me if you were hurt or if something awful happened to you. We didn't endure the hard times at school just to end up with worse times once we were out._

_Yours, as ever,  
Robert_

With a sigh, Remus sealed the letter, then stood and opened the cage of his mother's owl, an elderly bird with a sprinkling of colored feathers still showing through the white. 

"Good girl," Remus said, handing her the parchment. "Fly safely, and find him. I only wish I could go with you and convince him myself to come with me."

With a hoot, the owl took the letter, and Remus watched her fly out the window. He wondered sadly if things in the world would ever be good again, or if he would lose Severus and everything else he held dear to the darkness quickly spreading across the land.

* * *

When an elderly owl tapped at the window of Severus' small flat, Regulus glanced up in alarm, his entire body stiff with apprehension until Severus retrieved the letter and shook his head upon seeing the handwriting.

"Not new orders, then?" Regulus asked cautiously.

"No, it's from Robert," Severus replied as he sent the bird off with a treat, pocketed the letter, and returned to the sofa.

Shooting him a fondly amused look, Regulus scooted over to give him room on the battered piece of second-hand furniture. "Considering how vehemently you opposed the pen-pal idea, I find it amusing and ironic that you're still corresponding with him after all this time," he said, leaning against Severus' side, and Severus obligingly slid one arm across Regulus' shoulders. "If I didn't know you were both still anonymous, I might be jealous."

"You've nothing to be jealous about," Severus replied, pressing a kiss to Regulus' temple. "He's just a friend."

"I know." Regulus rested his head on Severus' shoulder and idly fingered the buttons lining the front of Severus' robes, seeming lost in thought for several minutes before he spoke again. "Have you..." He broke off, sounding uncertain.

"Have I what?" Severus raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Have you ever doubted we did the right thing?"

Severus didn't ask what Regulus meant; he didn't have to, and he knew what a serious question it was coming from Regulus, of all people, whose parents were fanatical supporters of the Dark Lord. A tiny part of him wondered if Regulus was asking to trap him into admitting something that could be used against him, but Regulus was not as cunning or as ruthless as Severus, and Severus had seen too many signs of Regulus' anxiety of late that couldn't be faked.

"Yes," he stated flatly.

"Then what do we do?" Regulus lifted his head and gazed at Severus, his expression troubled.

"Do?" Severus uttered a short, mirthless bark of laughter. "We keep our heads down and try to get through this alive, that's what we do. You've seen what happens to people who betray Him."

"Yes, but..." Regulus shook his head, apparently not satisfied by that answer. "Couldn't we escape? Go away somewhere and hide until it's over, one way or another?"

"I don't run, Regulus," Severus said tersely. "I've never run away from anything, and I don't intend to start now. Besides, it'll get better once things are settled. It's a war right now. Of course it's going to be unpleasant." He tried to sound as if he actually believed that himself, but his faith in the wizard he'd once hoped would bring him the recognition he craved was dwindling every day.

"I hope you're right." With a sigh, Regulus kissed Severus lightly and pulled away. "I should go. My parents want me home for dinner." He grimaced. "I suspect they have an eligible girl to trot out in front of me. Again."

Severus gave an amused snort. "As if that will ever work. If they wanted heirs, they backed the wrong brother."

Regulus smiled but said nothing, merely moved to the fireplace and got a pinch of Floo powder. "I'll be back when I can."

Severus watched him go, wondering when Regulus would finally cave in and marry some simpering Pure-blood virgin and attempt to carry on the illustrious family name. He wasn't fooling himself into thinking it was a question of "if" rather than "when"; his only question was whether Regulus would feel compelled to end their relationship as well or if he would try to convince Severus to be a party to adultery. Severus already knew his answer: their relationship would end the day Regulus got married.

With a weary sigh, he pulled the letter out of his pocket, opened it, and read it, and for once, he went to his writing desk to respond right away rather than waiting.

_Dear Robert,_

_My condolences. I know you were close to your parents, far closer than I am to mine - to half of them, anyway - and I'm sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could do, but all I have to offer are my sympathies. You're strong, stronger than you give yourself credit for being, and you'll get through it._

_As for me, I am safe and well for the time being, although I admit my mind is not always easy. For one thing, I feel reasonably certain I am going to lose A. I don't know when, but I feel it will be sooner rather than later. His parents want him to marry and carry on the family line, and he has always been easily led by his parents. They are forceful people, particularly his mother, and she holds a great deal of power and influence over him, more than I do, I fear. He loves me very much, and I love him, but I don't think it will be enough for him to go against his mother's wishes and risk being disinherited if he doesn't comply. If she convinces him to marry, then if he doesn't end our relationship, I will. I've no interest in being anyone's side dish, and I will not be treated as second-best, but I will miss him._

_But that isn't the most pressing matter on my mind, only a vague presentiment of what I expect to happen, and then you will receive mawkish letters about spurned love. Assuming I'm alive to write them, I should say. The world has indeed become a dangerous place, and I am uneasy about my affiliations. The organization I thought would be so beneficial hasn't turned out to be quite what I expected. Even A. has begun expressing doubts about it, but I am not certain it will be a simple thing to extricate ourselves without consequences._

_At the moment, I'm considering my (few) options and taking a 'wait and see' approach. I don't want to act in haste and take unnecessary risks. While I am not inclined to be optimistic by nature, I have some hope that things might not be this way forever._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

The words in Severus' letter froze Remus' blood in his veins.

It wasn't the references to "A.", the appellation Severus used for his lover, whom Remus was quite certain was Regulus Black. He'd resigned himself to Severus' relationship long ago and simply tried not to think about Severus being in love with the other man; he mostly skipped any information about "A." in favor of concentrating on the rest of Severus' missive. This particular letter was worrisome, not only because it confirmed Remus' suspicions about whom Severus had been in league with, but also because he could well imagine how dangerous it would be for Severus now that he seemed to be questioning his allegiances and was looking for an escape.

But Severus was smart. Remus drew in several deep breaths to calm the pounding of his heart, telling himself that Severus' cunning would help keep him safe. It had to, because the alternative was simply unthinkable.

The Dark Lord was powerful, powerful enough to kill Severus, but Remus was certain that Albus Dumbledore was stronger still. Hadn't Dumbledore defeated Grindelwald single-handedly? When the final battle came, Remus had no doubt as to who would be the winner.

Retrieving his quill and a piece of parchment, he hastened to pen a reply.

_My dearest Ellison,_

_I would be lying if I said I wasn't frantic with worry about your last letter. You don't have to say anything; I can well imagine the circumstances you are in, and I agree, you should be careful - very, very careful. I know you will be, because I have faith in your intelligence and your instincts for self-preservation, but just know if you need help, I'm here and will do what I can. Your safety matters to me more than anything, and I can't bear the thought of you being in danger._

_If you find that things don't change, and if you feel the need for a change of venue, so to speak, there is an option you might not have considered. If you are concerned about consequences following you afterward, one way to possibly mitigate that is to find a different affiliation, shall we say. You remember your history, of course, I know you do. Whatever power might be hanging over you, I'm certain there is an even bigger one you could go to for help. One who has experience in fighting these matters._

_I suggest you destroy this letter after you read it; you must trust your A., but I don't trust anyone with your safety. I'm sorry you feel you might lose him, but please, please remember you do have someone else who cares about you very, very much. You can't lose me, Ellison. I'm here for you always, and I wish with all my heart and soul for your safety and happiness._

_Yours, always,  
Robert_

* * *

Despite Robert's reassuring words, Severus felt sick with fear and shame when he read Robert's letter; it was easy enough to read between the lines and see that Robert had figured out Severus was a Death Eater and was urging him to go to Dumbledore for help. He had hoped his own letters were vague enough that Robert wouldn't understand what he really meant, and he'd written with less frequency in part because he knew Robert wouldn't approve of the 'organization' he had joined. He didn't want Robert to think less of him or worse, hate him because of what he had done, and he was afraid if he confirmed Robert's suspicions, he might drive Robert away for good, despite Robert's assurances. Suspicions were one thing, but the hard, ugly truth was something else entirely.

He did burn the letter, but the words were emblazoned on his mind; he simply couldn't bring himself to respond. For once, he had no idea what to say to his friend; he didn't want to acknowledge his true affiliation, and he couldn't bring himself to lie. He had never lied to Robert, and he didn't want to start now. It was easier to put off writing altogether, ignoring the quandary in favor of the bigger problems facing him.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, and Severus might have put off writing again indefinitely if he hadn't been dealt a devastating blow.

_Dear Robert,_

_It has been a long time since I've written, and my only reason is that I was afraid and ashamed. It seemed clear from your last letter that you know what 'organization' I belong to, and I thought if I confirmed your suspicions, you would grow to hate me. I remember you said I couldn't lose you, but I didn't want to put that to the test in case it proved wrong. As you know, I've known few people who proved truly reliable. I preferred to remain silent rather than risk losing you._

_Now, I'm writing because you're all I have left. A. has gone missing, and I expect to hear of his death at any time. I don't know how or why it happened; all I know is that he was upset over something regarding a house-elf. He came to say good-bye, and it was different. He was different. In hindsight, I suppose he knew or at least suspected he might not see me again, but he didn't ask for help or want me to go with him. Now I wish I had. I've no idea if I could have done anything, but I might have done something. I might have saved him, but for the first time in his life, he decided to grow a spine and be noble - and look what it got him!_

_He's dead, and I'm alone. I still don't know what to do. Things have grown worse, much worse. I've considered your suggestion, and if I reach the point of having no other options, perhaps I will take your advice, but right now, I would rather try to muddle through on my own. That particular power might be bigger, but I don't know that it is any more trustworthy. My experience has taught otherwise._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

It had been so long since Remus had heard from Severus that he'd begun to fear the worst. Either Severus had been pulled into the plans of the Dark Lord so thoroughly that he didn't want to write, or he was in danger and _couldn't_ write. 

Of course, it was possible that Severus was simply too conflicted about his circumstances to write to him, and Remus spent many, many anxious days wondering if he should send another letter, one imploring Severus to answer him. But if he did that, he might put Severus in danger, if Severus was trying to get out and couldn't. It would be horrific if he endangered Severus' life by contacting him, and Remus started and discarded dozens of letters over the next few months, trying and failing to find words that could say enough without saying too much.

When an unknown owl at last delivered a message addressed to "Robert", Remus held it in his trembling hands, almost afraid to open it. What if Severus was going to stay with Voldemort? What would Remus do then? 

Drawing in a deep breath, he ripped it open and read the contents, then practically flew to his desk to send a response.

_Ellison!_

_I've been frantic over you! I didn't write because I wasn't sure of your safety, and I agonized over the thought that I might be placing you in danger just by sending you a letter. I couldn't bear it if you had been hurt by my actions, so I've been in a living hell of not knowing._

_Let me reiterate, before I go any further: you can't lose me or my friendship. I can't imagine any circumstances in which I wouldn't be here for you, no matter what you did. I know you, I believe in you, and no matter what you do or have done, I want to help you. I know you hate soppy displays of sentimentality, but if that doesn't tell you how I feel about you, then you're not half as smart as I thought you were._

_I'm sorry about your lover. I know what it's like to lose someone you love, and it's a pain I wish I could spare you. You didn't fail him; he made his choices, and if he cared for you, he probably didn't want you in danger. For that I thank him, because I wish I could protect you, too. But you aren't alone, even without him. You have me. You'll always have me._

_Alas, I fear that the danger is growing on all fronts, not just yours. I dread hearing about the next set of killings, about the next horror._

_Why must you muddle through on your own? I know you feel you have no reason to trust the power I mentioned, but he's trustworthy, I swear it. You can be absolutely certain that in this case, the devil that you don't know is infinitely better than the devil that you do._

_Please, never frighten me like that again. I figured out what 'organization' you meant long ago, and I never hated you for it. I know why you went to them, and I know what you were seeking - the elusive acceptance that has been denied to us both. I've worried about you, and I've wanted to shake you until your teeth rattled, and I've wanted to hold you and keep all the horrors at bay, but I've never hated you. I never could._

_Be safe, promise me you'll be safe! Don't take any foolish risks because A. is lost to you, all right? Because if you do, I swear I'll find some way to come after you! Don't ask me how - a desperate man will often take desperate measures._

_Always yours,  
Robert_

* * *

Severus accepted the letter from the owl and opened it with trepidation, wondering what Robert had to say this time and awash with relief when he found it was not as bad as he'd feared. With his heart still pounding from the apprehension, he went to his desk and composed a response, not wanting to wait for months to reply this time.

_Dear Robert,_

_You needn't worry. I'm safe for now, and I don't intend to take any risks, foolish or otherwise. I have no white knight illusions about avenging A; I loved him, but I am not willing to die for him, and, as you said, I suspect he was trying to protect me in not telling me what he was going to do. It would not honor him to throw my own life away. If I am going to die, then at least let it be for a good reason, not a empty, useless bid for revenge._

_I am grateful for your acceptance, although I admit I am surprised. On some level, I suspect you believe you can accept me no matter what because you don't know the truth. As much as I want to believe you, I imagine there are circumstances which might cause even you to walk away, although I hope things never reach that point. Suffice to say, there are things I will never tell you, things that need never be spoken of, even between us. They are my burden to bear, and the only thing I can hope at this point is that the burden doesn't grow heavier._

_In the meantime, I promise I will not go so long without contacting you unless I am unable to for some reason. I am grateful to have you still, and you still have me._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

"He's beautiful, Lily. He's going to have your eyes."

Remus smiled down at the tiny boy who was swaddled into almost immobility by the blue blanket around him, reaching out to carefully stroke his downy cheek. It was a wonder that James and Lily had had a child, especially in such dark and desperate times, and even while he was happy for them, Remus couldn't help but be worried about what could happen. Perhaps he was being paranoid, but he wished they had waited until the Dark Lord was defeated and everyone was safe.

"Do you think so?" Lily asked, looking down at her son with a soft smile that Remus had often seen on his own mother's lips. That smile told him exactly why they had done it, despite the danger; life went on, even in bad situations, and a mother always thought she could protect her child from the horrors of the world.

Remus, of course, knew that the horrors weren't always intimidated, not even by fierce red-headed mothers.

"Yes, I think so," he replied, then stepped back so that Sirius, little Harry's Godfather, could bend over and chuckle at the baby. He wasn't at all surprised that Sirius had been asked to stand for the child, but he also couldn't help the tiny voice inside his head that told him he was an outsider even among his closest friends. "Now, I need to get along home. Dumbledore asked me to go through some reports, and I'd best get started. Congratulations again, Lily, Prongs."

His friends waved to him and Remus Apparated away, back to his lonely cottage. He hadn't bothered to get another job after his parents had died, since Dumbledore had provided him a stipend for his work with the Order of the Phoenix. It was a quiet, rather lonely existence, but he'd grown used to it, the monotony broken by his visits to Hogwarts and to James, Lily, and Sirius. And of course his letters to Severus.

The reports were waiting at his desk, but he couldn't focus on them. The tales of death and destruction, of Muggle casualties and the measures taken to counteract the Death Eaters were simply too much for him to bear at the moment. He kept seeing Lily's soft smile at her son and thinking that they had to win, no matter what, because that innocent child and all the others like him had to be protected. There had to be a way to keep them safe.

Before he knew what he was doing, there was a piece of paper under his quill, and he was writing.

_Dear Ellison,_

_I hope things are going as well for you as they can be and that no fresh horrors have come your way._

_That sounds odd, I guess, but I know that saying that I hope you are "well" is probably a vain hope, given everything going on. I suppose that in some ways, merely surviving another day with body and soul intact is something of a victory._

_I find myself in a fairly melancholy mood, my normal optimism escaping me for the moment. I guess that's understandable, but I think what's weighing on me especially is the whole inescapable stupidity and waste of what's happening. I could die, you could die, any and everyone we care or have cared about could die, and what would it have meant? Even if good triumphs, history has proven that the defeat of one evil doesn't prevent the rise of another. Why? Why can't people search for common ground rather than clinging to divisiveness? Why do strong, intelligent people lust for power and feel they have every right to crush whomever they want in the pursuit?_

_You don't have to answer; I know it's pointless, and that better men than I have asked the same questions. I suppose I'm feeling my separateness again rather acutely, and realizing that no matter how many people I happen to be around, I am still alone. I'm trying to find a connection I know I don't have. I fight because it is the right thing to do, not because it will gain me anything, because it won't._

_Sorry to be so depressing. I just needed to let it out, and I know you'd understand._

_Please, stay safe._

_Yours always,  
Robert_

* * *

_Dear Robert,_

_As it happens, your mood dovetails nicely with my own. I have asked myself similar questions of late, and I have begun questioning myself in ways I never have before. My life isn't at all what I expected or wanted it to be, even though I thought I was making the right choices to get what I wanted. Perhaps this is cosmic justice punishing me for selfish, improper motives, or perhaps I was merely stupid and arrogant in thinking I knew what I was doing. What I was getting myself into._

_I've already lost one person I cared about and another is in danger, and there is little I can do. I have taken a rather large and dangerous step in changing my allegiance, however. The bigger power you suggested was helpful, although there was a price, but there is always a price. I have, in essence, traded one master for another, but perhaps I can regain some self-respect along the way._

_I too have felt my separateness keenly; the one comfort I have in the midst of all this is that I have you. Our connection has lasted, and it has been more strong and true than anything else in my life. I do understand, and you will never be truly separate as long as I live._

_Yours,  
Ellison_

* * *

The fact that Severus was now fighting on the right side of the war was a comfort to Remus, and he was relieved to know they wouldn't someday meet eye-to-eye over drawn wands as enemies. Somehow that would have been the ultimate irony, after all they had been through and given that Dumbledore had started this whole thing to promote understanding and unity. It was tempting to tell Albus just how successful his little experiment had been, but Remus had a feeling the wily old man had known all along.

Unfortunately things continued to get worse, even though, from his letters, Remus knew that Severus was passing information about the Death Eaters to Dumbledore. Severus didn't say so, of course, but Remus could tell that Dumbledore had a source of information which was helping them, if not to win, then to stop losing ground quite as fast. It meant Severus was still in danger, but Remus had faith that Dumbledore would protect Severus. The old man owed Severus that much, for all Severus had done.

Then in a single night, the war was won, and everything went to hell.

"How? How?" Remus asked, looking between Albus and Minerva, both of whom seemed to have aged a century overnight.

"We knew there was a traitor, and..." Albus looked at Minerva, who sighed.

"We thought it might be you," she said quietly.

"Me." Remus staggered back from Albus' desk in stunned horror. "You thought I would have betrayed James and Lily? Because I'm a werewolf, right?" 

"We had to suspect everyone," Minerva continued. There were tears in her eyes. "We didn't know it was Sirius!"

"Of course not. Why suspect him when you have a convenient Dark Creature to blame?" Remus couldn't keep the bitterness from his tone. "Instead you sent me off to look for signs that the Death Eaters were recruiting the werewolves, while you let James and Lily go into hiding with a _traitor_ for their Secret Keeper! I could have been here to protect them! I could have..."

"You couldn't have done anything." Albus' voice brought Remus up short, and he turned to look at the old wizard with burning eyes. "You'd have died, too. He killed Peter Pettigrew and twelve innocent Muggles who got in his way. He'd have killed you, too, Remus. He's not a sane man."

"You don't know that I couldn't have stopped him," Remus replied calmly. He felt as though he were encased in ice. "You don't _know_ that, and no one trusted me."

Albus was saying something else, but Remus couldn't hear it. He was too sick with grief and loss and rage to care. He'd lost everything and everyone in a single night, for no other reason than no one had trusted him. Because he was a _werewolf_ , a horrible monster who was judged guilty without ever having committed a crime.

"I have to leave," he said abruptly, turning and walking to the door of the Headmaster's office without another word. There were sounds of protest from behind him, but Remus didn't stop. Why should he? What more could they say? Nothing would soothe his grief, and nothing could make any of this right. Nothing could give back what he'd lost, including the trust of his friends even before they'd died.

Hours later, he found himself wandering down the street in Hogsmeade, not even remembering the walk from the school. All around him were jubilant people, people celebrating the defeat of the Dark Lord. Stupid people, as Severus had so often said. Sheep who didn't realize that with every victory came a price. And what a price it was; almost an entire generation of Wizards and Witches dead or imprisoned or relegated to the long-term care wards at St. Mungo's for the rest of their lives. An orphaned little boy, a broken down werewolf, and a Death Eater turned spy were just about all that were left. A high price indeed.

Pulling his wand, Remus Apparated home. Never had his cottage seemed so empty, and never had his life seemed so pointless as it did now. His purpose was gone, and he had only one thing left to him. Only one thing to keep him from feeling completely isolated from the entire world.

_Dear Ellison,_

_I wish you were here._

_Yours,  
Robert_

* * *

The simple words seared Severus to his core, echoing his own feelings with uncanny accuracy. The wizarding world was celebrating, but he was grieving, in mourning for the loss of Regulus and Lily. The last was a double blow, knowing as he did that her death was in large part his fault. If he hadn't given the Dark Lord that prophecy, if he hadn't been stupid enough to join the Death Eaters in the first place. If if if.

The only good news was at least he knew Robert was still alive. It was a comfort to know he hadn't lost everyone; his mum was still alive, but their relationship was strained, and he didn't have the sort of trust and faith in her that he did in Robert. He still had one connection that was strong, and that was the one faint flicker of light in the darkness that engulfed him.

_Dear Robert,_

_I wish I was there, too._

_Yours,  
Ellison_


	5. Chapter 5

After thirteen long years, Remus felt as though he was finally coming home.

Standing on the platform of the train station, his ragged case by his side, he was happy and excited and completely exhausted. It had been a long road to get to this point, but when Albus had sent the owl requesting that Remus take the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, there was nothing in heaven or hell that would have kept Remus away. It wasn't just the fact that it offered him a job, a place to live, and three square meals a day, although all of those things would be a welcome respite from the destitution he'd been living with since the end of the war. No, it was what was at Hogwarts, or rather _who_ was there, waiting for him. Two people, as it happened. Harry Potter, the child whom James and Lily had died to protect, and Severus Snape.

His beloved Ellison.

They still corresponded, even after all this time, and it was the one steady happiness in Remus' life. It was tinged with a bittersweetness at times, given that all of Remus' careful dancing around the subject had shown that even after time, distance, and loss, Severus hadn't softened his attitude about Remus Lupin and what he had done. Yet they had been there for each other, comforting each other's grief after the war, even occasionally allowing each other to wallow n the misery. They'd helped each other heal as best as they could and deal with the things life threw their way.

Somewhere along the line, Remus admitted to himself that his feelings toward Severus weren't just friendship. He loved Severus Snape with every fiber of his being, had done so almost since the day he and "Ellison" had connected. He was lucky he had Severus, even if it wasn't the relationship he really wanted. He wanted to be with Severus in every way, to share his life, to be allowed to touch Severus' body and be touched in return. Yet there wasn't any way to bridge the distance, not with Severus holed up at Hogwarts and Remus desperately trying to eke out an existence any way he could.

So Dumbledore's offer was the answer to all of Remus' prayers. He could have everything he needed and be close enough to Severus to try to wear down the dislike Severus still had of him. If he managed that, he could reveal his identity to Severus at long last, and they could be together as he was certain they were meant to be.

The train wasn't due for another half an hour, so he had enough time to pen a quick note and send it off with the station owl. He wished he could tell Severus he was coming, but he'd just have to settle for teasing him a little bit.

_My dear Ellison,_

_I write you with my spirits higher than they have been in some time. At long last, there is a change in my fortunes, one that is giving me a chance at a real career rather than just an odd job to fill the time and my stomach. I suppose a man in his thirties ought to have had a real job by now, as you have, but for the first time, I think I've found a situation where my illness won't be held against me. I hope it works out, because I've pretty much reached the end of my resources for anything else._

_I think of you every day, my friend. I've never found anyone who has meant to me what you do, and I'm certain I never shall. Perhaps one day, I'll be able to say the things to you that I've been longing to say._

_Yours, as always,  
Robert_

* * *

Severus never faced the start of another school year with much enthusiasm, but this year, his lack of enthusiasm devolved into near dread. He loathed teaching and loathed being trapped at Hogwarts, where he was only slightly less miserable as a teacher than he had been as a student, but that had been the price he had to pay for Dumbledore's help. Certain that the Dark Lord was not gone for good, he faced untold years of servitude, trapped in a prison of his own making. There was only one bright spot, and that was Robert.

Unfortunately, not even a letter from Robert bearing good news was enough to lift Severus out of his doldrums this time. Dumbledore had informed him that Remus Lupin was returning to teach Defense, which was bad enough on its own, but Dumbledore had compounded the problem by pressing Severus into further service in brewing the Wolfsbane Potion, thereby ensuring Severus would be forced to interact with Lupin at least once a month.

Despite Robert's gentle urging to forgive and forget, Severus had done neither where Lupin was concerned. Robert had made him question Lupin's motives in offering that long-ago apology, but the bottom line was, he didn't know what Lupin's motives really were, and he wasn't inclined to think the best of anyone, especially not someone who had stood by and let him be attacked repeatedly.

If pressed, he might admit he was angry at himself too every time he remembered that flare of attraction on the train, and that added fuel to the fire of his resentment toward Lupin. He didn't want to be attracted to Lupin, damn it! It was bad enough he was pining for someone whose true name and face he didn't know, but he refused to consider casting aside their anonymity and finding out; after his trial, everyone in the wizarding world knew Severus Snape had been a Death Eater, and even though Robert had guessed it long before the end of the war, Severus harbored enough fear and insecurity that Robert would recoil when faced with the reality of his pen-pal's identity to keep him from revealing himself.

The letters were all he had, and his life was too empty for him to risk losing them, too.

_Dear Robert,_

_Congratulations are in order, it seems. I am glad you have found employment, and I hope it works out for you this time. Treat yourself to a drink and toast yourself on my behalf._

_The less said about my circumstances, the better. Suffice to say, I am not in spirits as high as yours, but your letter has offered good cheer in a time when it was needed._

_It should go without saying that I think of you as well and that I have not connected with anyone as I have with you. For that reason alone, I would hate to lose what we have for any reason. I never thought the Hogwarts motto would ever be apt, much less something I would have occasion to quote, but there are some sleeping dragons that should never be tickled._

_Yours,  
Ellison_

* * *

With a sigh, Remus picked up his quill and started on the stack of student essays.

It wasn't his job that was wearing him down; he had found he loved teaching, that it was more fulfilling than anything he'd ever done. It wasn't the fact that Sirius had escaped Azkaban and seemed to be trying to kill Harry, because Remus knew just what Sirius was capable of and had taken his own steps to stop anything the traitor might do. He felt guilty for not telling Dumbledore everything he knew, but... well, he was taking care of things, and he didn't want to risk Dumbledore being disappointed in him. He'd been enough of a disappointment to himself, and he couldn't bear to have Albus look at him as though he were a failure.

No, what was really wearing on him was Severus, and his continuing inability to break through the thick armor in which Severus had encased himself. 

Merlin knew he'd tried being friendly and tried showing Severus that he'd meant his long-ago apology, but nothing seemed to shake Severus' staunch belief that Remus was merely trying to lure him in to humiliate him again. Even Robert's common sense hadn't seemed to get through, and Remus was on the verge of admitting defeat.

The approach of the moon made things more difficult, of course; the wolf was closer to the surface, making Remus fidgety and restless. He almost hoped to run across Sirius; he'd be able to tear Sirius limb from limb with his bare hands the way he was feeling at the moment, and it might be just the outlet he needed.

Severus gave a cursory knock on Lupin's office door before entering, bearing a steaming goblet of the Wolfsbane Potion; he assumed Lupin would know to expect him, given this was their monthly ritual. It was also the only time Severus interacted with Lupin willingly, despite Dumbledore's efforts to throw them together for some strange reason.

"I brought your potion, Lupin," he announced without preamble. "I suggest you drink it before it starts to cool and congeal."

Remus glanced up, then stood and nodded. "Thank you, Severus," he said, as he always did. He had to be careful to keep Severus from noticing how his eyes devoured Severus' face, how his gait became predatory as he crossed the floor toward him. Reaching out, Remus slid his fingers around the goblet, letting them brush Severus' briefly as he took the goblet and lifted it toward his lips, downing the disgusting but oh-so-important potion in two long gulps. He repressed the urge to gag, then offered the empty goblet back. "As always, I appreciate the time and effort you've taken in making it."

Severus yanked his hand back quickly, trying to ignore the warmth of Lupin's fingers and his strangely mesmerizing gait, and he took the goblet from Lupin's hand gingerly, trying to avoid another touch.

"It is a necessary task," he said tersely. "You needn't thank me for it."

"But I do." Remus' voice was low and husky from the potion, which was basically a systemic poison to his lycanthrope nature. "It may be necessary, but you still take the time to do it and do it properly. I'm well aware you could easily fudge the potion and make it ineffective, or alter it enough to harm me without anyone being the wiser." Perhaps, Remus thought, he ought to throw caution to the winds, since being careful had gotten him nowhere, so he drew a deep breath and met Severus' gaze steadily. "Just as I realize you could have outed me to either the Death Eaters or to the world at large any time during these last sixteen or so years, and you haven't. I do thank you for everything you've done for me, and I mean it sincerely. Just as I mean it when I say, again, that I'm sorry for everything I did and did not do while we were at school together. If I could change it all, I would, without hesitation. And my offer of friendship still stands."

Severus reared back, his eyes widening as he stared at Lupin, momentarily shocked into silence. After several months of Lupin being at Hogwarts and the subject not being broached, Severus hadn't expected Lupin to bring up the apology again, and he wasn't certain how to respond.

His instinctual reaction was to snark and snap, issuing a verbal flaying that would ensure Lupin never said anything about friendship again. But he couldn't help but think about Robert's advice, and that was the only thing that kept him from giving in to his protective instincts.

"Why?" he demanded. "Why did you wait until we were on the train to apologize? Why did you do nothing for seven years and then expect me to accept your apology like nothing had happened?"

Remus watched Severus' shocked reaction, surprised himself that Severus hadn't simply turned and stomped off. That was a good thing, though, and he took a small step forward. "I didn't intentionally wait until we were on the train," he replied, his voice softening. "It was an opportune moment, however, and if you think back, it's not as though you and I ran across each other much our last year. If anything, I think you were doing your best to avoid me. As to why I didn't do anything for seven years... I don't know if you will understand, because you're a strong person who doesn't hesitate to stick up for himself, but I was afraid. Sirius and James guessed my secret during third year, you see. They knew I was a werewolf, and they didn't betray me. They did what they could to protect me, to help me, and no one had ever done that for me before. For the first time, I felt unconditionally accepted, and while I didn't like what they were doing to you, I felt that if I stood up to them, I'd lose them, and a single word from them would have gotten me tossed from school. I never thought I would be able to attend Hogwarts, you know. I was selfish and wrong in keeping my dream by letting them continue to torment you, but it was the actions of the child I was then. When I offered you the apology, I'd grown up."

Severus listened, feeling more and more uncertain. A tiny voice in the back of his mind piped up with the suspicion that Lupin's words sounded strangely familiar, and not for the first time, he wondered if Lupin and "Robert" could possibly be the same person, but he squelched the thought quickly as he always did, not wanting to believe he had bared himself so completely to Lupin, of all people.

"Are you claiming you have changed?" he asked, his tone half-belligerent and half-cautious. "Are you claiming you are no longer the same fawning sycophant you were then?"

"I'm not the same person you went to school with, no," Remus said, shaking his head. "I would prefer for people to like me rather than dislike me, because it makes my life much easier, but I don't fawn over anyone. I never fawned over James or Sirius, either, and I wasn't a sycophant, but I readily admit I let them get away with things I shouldn't have, and I betrayed my responsibility to you and to the school in doing so. I like to think I'll never make that mistake again."

"You're damned right you betrayed your responsibility," Severus retorted, clenching his fingers around the goblet. He was torn, not knowing whether to believe Lupin or not and angry with himself for even considering believing Lupin in the first place. He didn't need Lupin; he didn't need anyone, he thought fiercely, but deep down, he knew that was a lie. He needed Robert, but Robert was just a name and words on a page, and Lupin's fingers were very warm. "Assuming I believe you, so what?" he asked, tilting his chin up haughtily. "What do you want from me?"

Remus drew in a silent breath, surprised and pleased that Severus hadn't hexed him or run off. He dared another step closer. "A chance, Severus. That's all I'm asking for. A chance to make it up to you, if you'll let me. A chance to find out what we could have been to each other if circumstances hadn't got in the way. I think we could understand one another, if we tried. We both have a darkness in us, we've both felt the effects of evil in our lives, and we've both survived it." He smiled, then, warmly, and his eyes glinted. "Whatever you're comfortable with, I'll take it as a start. I'm a very patient man."

Severus' breath hitched at the sight of the glint in Lupin's eyes, and he swallowed hard, imagining he saw the wolf in that glint. Lupin was close now, and Severus knew he ought to move away, but he couldn't force himself to take a step backward and put some distance between them. Lupin had once been an enemy, but things changed. People changed. And Severus hadn't had a lover since Regulus.

But a few words weren't enough to dispel his distrust entirely, and despite the promise hinted at by Lupin's smile, Severus couldn't bring himself to move too quickly.

"You'll have to be," he said at last. "I will give you a chance. One chance. But I am not foolish or gullible enough to take a leap of faith where you are concerned. You will have to earn my trust."

It was as though Spring had suddenly come, bringing warmth and hope, and Remus smiled, the expression lighting his whole face. "Thank you. That's all I ask. What would you like me to do? How can I prove I'm sincere?"

"This isn't something you can accomplish with a series of appointed tasks," Severus retorted, clutching the goblet to his chest like a shield. "It will take time - and patience," he added pointedly.

"Touche!" Remus chuckled, and he decided to take another risk. He took another step closer, reaching out to rest his hand atop Severus' where he was gripping the goblet as though his life depended upon it. "And just so there are no misunderstandings, if you want more than friendship, I'm more than amenable to that as well. I still remember how your body felt against mine on the train, you know. Werewolves are very sensitive to touch and scent and... other things."

Severus' eyes widened again at the unexpected touch followed by a blatant offer; his instincts screamed at him to yank his hand free, turn around, and storm out, but he didn't. Perhaps the long years of isolation had worn him down or perhaps as Robert had once suggested, there was an inexplicable pull between them. Whatever the reason, Severus remained where he was, feeling as if Lupin's fingers were searing his skin.

"Whether we shall even develop a friendship, much less further intimacy remains to be seen," he said hoarsely. "But your offer is duly noted."

"Good." The word came out with a growling undertone. Remus could smell Severus' skin, the spicy scent he loved so much, and the wolf stirred, wanting more of it. What he really wanted was Severus naked and desperate and gasping beneath him, but it was probably too soon for that; yet Severus hadn't pulled away, so perhaps just a little more closeness would be acceptable.

Sliding his hand from Severus', Remus let his fingers trail up Severus' arm. The gleam in his eyes became feral, the blue-green darkening with hunger, and he leaned closer, breathing in deeply, the growl rumbling deep in his chest. "I've never forgotten how you smell, either... rich and spicy and dark. Even after all this time, I'd know your scent anywhere."

"You shouldn't be sniffing me, Lupin," Severus replied, sounding breathless even to his own ears. "It's inappropriate."

It wasn't the sort of blistering set-down he'd intended to give, but he was mesmerized, feeling as if he were falling into the depths of Lupin's eyes, and the sound of the growl sent little tingles all the way down to his toes. He ought to be terrified of the beast after what had happened in the Shrieking Shack, but even after that harrowing encounter, he was still more fascinated than repelled, much to his own dismay.

Remus' eyes dropped to Severus' lips. He wanted to kiss Severus so badly that he ached with it, and he let his hand travel further, up to Severus' neck, sliding beneath his hair to rest at the nape. His thumb caressed over Severus' warm skin, and Remus began to urge Severus' head down as he craned up, intent upon his task, wanting to taste what he'd dreamt of for so long, to know his Severus, his Ellison, the man he'd desired for so long.

A sound came from the door, and Remus stiffened, hearing Dumbledore's voice with a kind of horrified frustration.

"Remus? Dear boy, I... oh, I _am_ sorry..."

Severus tore himself away from Lupin, awash in relief. Lupin had been about to kiss him, and he suspected he'd been about to allow it, and he desperately needed some breathing room to sort out what had happened and make sense of it.

"Quite all right, Headmaster," he said, smoothing one hand down the front of his robes as he drew himself up proudly. "I was just leaving anyway."

"Severus..." Remus ran a hand through his hair as he watched Severus' armor fall back into place. He'd tried so hard to get through it, and Albus had undone everything with a single mis-timed entrance. Drawing in a deep breath, he tried to force the wolf back down. "Tomorrow, then?" he asked, his eyes intent on Severus' face.

Severus hesitated, uncertain of whether he ought to risk entering the wolf's den again or not; he might not come out unscathed, but he found himself saying, "Yes, I suppose so" nonetheless.

"I'll hold you to that," Remus said, then made himself face Albus. He could cheerfully beat the older Wizard to a pulp at the moment, but he got the feeling from the twinkle in Albus' eyes that Albus was well aware of that. "Now, Headmaster, what can I do for you?"

Severus latched on to the opportunity to escape, trying not to appear as if he were hurrying away; he noticed Dumbledore approaching Remus, and while he was curious about the reason for the visit, he wasn't curious enough to linger because of it. It was a relief when he was safely out in the corridor with no growling werewolves with lovely blue-green eyes to bother him.

* * *

Remus' throat was sore, and his eyes burned, but he refused to cry. No matter how much it hurt, he wouldn't let it come to that.

Things had gone all to hell in ways he could never have imagined, and he had only himself to blame. If only he'd told Albus that Sirius was an Animagus. If only he'd remembered to take his potion and not gone haring off after Harry and his friends. If only everything had happened a day later or a day earlier. If only he'd done a million other things he'd not known to do... If, if, if.

If only Severus had known what he was doing.

The last of his things from his quarters were packed, leaving only his office to finish, and there was little enough there. He'd avoided going out of his rooms once he'd heard the students had found out what he was and were frightened of him. He knew who had told them, even if Severus had used his little mouthpiece, Draco Malfoy, to spread the information. The damage was done, and Remus' resignation had been a mere formality. Albus hadn't even tried to talk him out of it.

Standing in the middle of his nearly-empty room, Remus looked around, drawing in a shuddering breath as a spasm of pain wracked him. It was mental, not physical, despite his ordeal of the previous night. Any muscle aches or new scars were inconsequential compared to the anguish he felt over everything. All the missed opportunities, the broken trust, the horrible feeling of loss. He'd lost everything now. Even having Sirius back and knowing that Peter had been the real traitor didn't make up for what was gone from his life forever.

There was only one thing he'd not put into his shabby case, and he moved to the table to pick it up and slip it into his pocket. He could no longer keep it, not when the relationship he thought it represented had been shattered into ruin. He needed to return it before he lost his nerve, and so he straightened his spine and donned the mask of calm he'd worn for more years now than he cared to think about, and he made his way out of his room and headed toward the dungeons.

Everything should have been different. He'd thought he'd made progress with Severus, and to an extent he had, but after their aborted almost-kiss that day months before in Remus' office, Severus had studiously avoided being alone with him again, much to Remus' frustration. Then all the things had happened with Sirius seeming to haunt the castle like a restless ghost, and any trust Severus had developed had evaporated like fog in the morning sun. Remus wanted to scream in frustration as he saw everything slipping away from him, but there was nothing he could do. Every action he took seemed to be the wrong one, every move he made drove Severus farther away. There were rumors that the Defense position was cursed, and Remus could well believe it, given the course of his life in the last few months. Something - fate, karma, whatever one wished to call it - seemed to be working against him, and he felt helpless to change anything which had transpired.

He didn't look at the few students in the halls; he didn't want to see the fear or revulsion in their eyes. Or worse, the speculation, especially among the Slytherins. There was no doubt that Voldemort was doing his recruiting among their ranks again, and Remus had endured mistrust because of his curse during the first war, enough to last a lifetime. He couldn't bear for the students to believe he might really go over to Voldemort, not when he'd lost so much fighting against the Dark Lord.

After an eternity, he finally made his way to Severus' office, and he took several deep breaths before stretching out his hand, opening the door, and stepping inside. His eyes immediately searched out Severus, and he lifted his chin, keeping his voice deliberately low.

"Severus, I need to speak with you for a moment, if you please."

Severus put aside the essays he had been marking and stared at Lupin coldly. Dumbledore was cross with him for letting Lupin's secret "slip", although not nearly as cross as Severus had expected him to be, almost as if Dumbledore wasn't really surprised by how things had fallen to shambles. No doubt Robert would be cross with him too, but he didn't regret what he had done. For all that Lupin had tried to cozy up to Severus all year, he hadn't wasted any time in running back to his dear friend, Black, after protecting him and putting the entire school in danger in the process. Lupin was no more effective as a teacher than he had been as a prefect, and Severus considered himself well out of it considering how narrowly he had avoided abject humiliation.

"What do you want, Lupin?"

Remus moved toward the desk, not dropping his gaze. This might be the last time he ever saw Severus or spoke to him, and despite his current hurt and anger, he still loved Severus, still longed to be with him. But he knew now that it was impossible; the moment he told Severus the truth, all hope would be gone.

"I need to return something to you," Remus replied, stopping in front of the desk. His eyes searched Severus' face, but he saw no sign of softening, no indication that Severus regretted what he had done. It was only to be expected, he supposed; he knew Severus better than anyone else knew him, and he should have realized that trying to get through Severus' bitterness and anger over the events of their youth was impossible. Severus had many good qualities, but forgiveness and charity were not among them.

"You're wasting my time," Severus snapped, glaring across the desk at Lupin. "You don't have anything I could possibly want."

"You're wrong." Remus voice was soft, almost gentle. He was about to destroy the only good thing in his life, and he felt like an executioner, knowing this was going to hurt Severus as much as it was hurting him, but it had to be done. "First, let me say that I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm not talking about what just happened, because I never lied about any of that. I'm sorry for having to retract my promise that nothing you did would ever make you lose me, because something has. Not that I ever expected you to betray me... or, more specifically, Robert never dreamed that his Ellison would ever betray him." With that, Remus removed from his pocket the much-loved, oft-repaired copy of _Stranger in a Strange Land_ that had been his constant companion since the day Severus had given it to him, and he placed it on the desk. 

Realization slowly dawned as Lupin spoke, and Severus felt the blood drain from his face, leaving him pale as milk. He wanted to brush off Lupin's words as coincidental until Lupin used the names. _Their_ names. He stared at the familiar book on his desk; he hadn't seen it in decades, but he knew it instantly, and he shook his head in a futile denial.

"Robert?" He looked up at Lupin at last, his eyes wide with shock, and he clenched his shaking hands into fists in his lap. " _You_ are Robert?"

"Yes." Remus smiled sadly. "I knew you'd never accept knowing who I was, even though I did everything I could to connect with you as myself. I thought there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for you, nothing I wouldn't endure for your sake, even though I knew you might never forgive me for being who I am. But I can't endure this; I lived on the hope of one day being able to tell you who I was, safe in the knowledge you would accept it, accept me in the flesh as you accepted my words. But that hope is gone, as dead as our past. You wanted to hurt me, and you have. You cost me the only thing in my life I thought I'd never lose - you."

Words didn't often fail Severus, but they failed him now. All he could do was stare at Lupin, stunned into silence and feeling as if someone had reached into his chest and crushed his heart. He'd suspected at times, but he hadn't known the truth of Robert's identity. If he had... If he had, he didn't know how much difference it would have made, not when he could barely reconcile the idea of Lupin and Robert being the same person. In hindsight, it all made sense, but he hadn't wanted to put the pieces together, hadn't wanted to see the picture they formed.

The only thing that was clear to him at the moment was that he had lost Robert, the one person he had turned to and trusted all these years, and it hurt more than anything he could remember.

He pushed the book back across the desk and buried his face in his hands. "I don't want it back," he said, his voice muffled.

Remus felt his heart turn over at the sight of Severus' pain, but his own pain was also great, his own loss even more than what Severus had lost. Severus had lost his best friend, but Remus had just lost the only man he'd ever loved.

"Neither do I," Remus replied, stepping back from the desk. His eyes were burning again, and he had to suppress the wolf, who wanted to howl his pain and loss. "I love you, Severus. I hope you find happiness, but I won't be a part of it. Robert is dead. He won't write to you any longer."

Shaken but too proud to show weakness, Severus lowered his hands and sat up ramrod straight, and he lifted his chin as he stared at Lupin again. With Lupin's simple words, Ellison died too, leaving him an empty husk.

"Then we have nothing more to discuss," he said, his voice hollow.

Remus' eyes widened, and he felt like he'd taken a knife to the gut at Severus words. "I suppose we don't," he murmured. "I was wrong. I never knew you at all."

With that, he turned and started toward the door. He was in shock, and he needed to escape before he lost it completely.

Severus watched him go in silence, and when the door closed once more, he turned his gaze back to the essays on his desk, looking at them without really seeing them. He felt as if his entire world had come crashing down; not only had he lost his only friend and confidante, but he had bared his soul to one of _them_. He didn't want to think that Lupin and Black would be laughing over everything he'd confided, but it wasn't easy to accept that his one true connection had been made with someone who had contributed to seven years of misery.

Slowly, it sank in that Lupin had _known_ he was Ellison somehow and had never admitted it. Why hadn't he confessed the truth? Why had he let Severus continue to pretend when he knew?

Part of him wanted to jump up and run after Lupin to... He didn't even know what he wanted to do. Explain, apologize. _Something_. But Lupin had made it clear this betrayal was one that couldn't be smoothed over with an apology, and for once, Severus couldn't fault him. Severus wouldn't forgive anyone who'd done such a thing to him either.

No, it was over. Robert and Ellison were dead, killed by Severus' own hand. He stared down at his still-clenched hands, thinking how much he'd lost that was his own fault. Lily, now Robert. Regulus was the only one he hadn't driven away, and at least he knew he hadn't contributed to Regulus' death. Under the circumstances, it was cold comfort.


	6. Chapter 6

Time seemed to crawl for Severus as he plodded through the days that followed, feeling as hollow as an automaton. He taught his classes, railed at dunderheads, tried to keep Potter alive, and did what Dumbledore asked of him, but he didn't care about any of it. He wanted Voldemort defeated once and for all, but he didn't much care what happened to him in the process; he had little to care about. He was trapped in a job he loathed, isolated, alone, without an outlet, without anyone who cared. At least when he'd had Robert, he'd been living; he'd had someone who shared his interests, someone he could talk to, someone who understood him. Now, he was merely existing, and he didn't care if his existence ended. It wouldn't be a great loss as far as either he or the rest of the world were concerned anyway.

His emotions were channeled primarily into anger, which was primarily aimed at Potter. Never was that more true than during the ill-fated Occlumency lessons. Severus had endured a great deal because of Potter's sense of entitlement, but that was the last bloody straw. No amount of coaxing from Dumbledore could sway him this time; he was finished trying to teach that brat to protect his mind, and he didn't care what happened as a result. He'd little enough left that he felt he had to give up the remains of his dignity as well.

The last thing Remus wanted to do was retrace the ill-fated steps he'd taken two years ago, heading into the dungeons of Hogwarts on his way to Severus' office. But there was little choice; if he didn't talk to Severus, then Sirius would poke his unwelcome nose into things, and that, as the saying went, would be a Very Bad Thing Indeed. Severus might despise him, but Severus hated Sirius with a burning passion, and so Remus was the obvious choice to approach Severus on the matter. Even if he'd spent two years avoiding Severus as much as humanly possible in order to spare himself the torment of Severus being in the same room yet forever beyond his reach.

The school hadn't changed much, and the few students in the corridors either didn't remember him or had too many other things on their minds to pay him much attention. That was fine; Remus didn't want to be remembered, not by anyone. He lived only to get through the war and make certain Harry was safe. After that, Remus didn't much care what happened to him.

He finally reached Severus' door, and he straightened his spine before lifting his hand and knocking on the door.

"Enter!" Severus barked without looking up from the lesson plans he was writing out.

The summons was as brusque as Remus expected, and he opened the door and stepped inside, closing the door after him and turning the lock for good measure. He wasn't certain how this would play out, but he was quite sure he didn't want to be interrupted.

"Hello, Severus," he said softly, then walked toward the desk with a stride that held more assurance than he really felt. "If you have a few moments, we need to talk."

Severus' back stiffened at the sound of Lupin's voice. He had expected his visitor to be a student groveling over marks or to get out of a detention or perhaps McGonagall, sent on Dumbledore's behalf to convince him to change his mind about the lessons. The last person he'd expected was Lupin, and he raised his head slowly, fixing Lupin with an expressionless stare.

"What do you want?"

Remus stopped at the side of Severus' desk, deliberately picking a different spot from the one where he'd stood when he'd last been in this room. It was hard to keep away the memories of that time, but he did the best he could, keeping his face expressionless. "I've come to talk to you about Harry's Occlumency lessons. What is it that you want in exchange for starting them up again?"

"Nothing," Severus replied curtly, his voice and expression devoid of emotion.

"Nothing?" Remus raised a brow at that. "Nothing could make you teach Harry again? Not even the defeat of the Dark Lord?"

"No," Severus said flatly. "Not even that. There are others who could attempt to teach Potter. Dumbledore will have to find one of them, because I will not do it."

"There is no one who is as strong an Occlumens as you are," Remus said reasonably. He knew this was going to take some effort, and it was critically important that he get Severus to agree to this. He may have failed at winning Severus' heart, but he couldn't afford to fail in this mission. "You've fooled the Dark Lord for years. You know not only the theory, but _how_ to do it when your life is on the line. That's what he needs. Not just someone to teach him the magic, but to teach him how to use it in the right way. This might be the difference between winning and losing the war. If you don't care about anything else, surely you still care about that?"

"If Dumbledore thinks Potter learning Occlumency is so important, then he can damned well teach Potter himself," Severus snapped, throwing down his quill and folding his arms across his chest. "I have said I will not do it, and there is nothing anyone can say that will change my mind."

"Albus is trying to distance himself from Harry, as you know," Remus replied. He was beginning to feel a twinge of frustration, which wasn't good. "He can't do it. That leaves you, unfortunately. We all have to do things we'd rather not do to try to win this war."

"As if I haven't sacrificed over and over since the end of the war," Severus retorted. "I've lost count of the number of things I've done that I would rather not do in order to win this war, and until you put your life on the line as a double agent who reports directly to both of the major players in this battle, you can take your guilt trips and fuck off."

For a moment, Remus stared at Severus in disbelief, and then something in him that had been stretched almost to fraying suddenly snapped. Before he knew what he was doing, he was around the desk, lifting Severus from his chair by his robes and thrusting him back against the wall. Severus' chair tipped over and clattered on the floor, and Remus kicked it out of the way, barely hearing it crash back into the desk. He was too intent on pinning Severus against the hard surface, the wolf rising in his eyes and rumbling in his voice as he spoke.

"For your information, my next assignment is to go infiltrate the werewolves, including getting chummy with the insane bastard who turned me when I was only five years old, so I think I'll be risking every bit as much as you risk." Remus' nose was only an inch from Severus', his eyes boring into Severus' dark ones implacably. "I've sacrificed, you've sacrificed, Sirius and Albus and Minerva. We've _all_ sacrificed! Harry lost his parents to this war before he was even old enough to know them. This mad man has to be stopped, and you know it! I'm not trying to guilt trip you. I'm trying to get you to stop risking everyone just to shore up your damnable pride!"

" _No!_ " As quick as a thought, Severus flicked his wand into his hand and pressed it against Lupin's throat, his own anger rising and loosening his tongue at last. "I have given and given, and that snot-nosed brat took even more! I will not be stripped of everything for the sake of that arrogant boy. I have too little left, and I will not give it to the likes of him! Now take your hands off me, damn you, and leave me alone!"

Remus didn't even blink as Severus threatened him. He tilted his head back, giving Severus a clear shot. "You're lucky to have anything left to lose," he said. "Go ahead and do it, Severus. If killing me will make you change your mind about teaching Harry, feel free. Otherwise, I'm not letting you go until you see sense."

Severus let his hand fall to his side and shook his head wearily, his anger draining away and leaving him empty again. Lupin didn't understand him, his feelings, his life - none of it. That understanding, like everything else between them, had been an illusion. "Now the truth comes out. Now you reveal what you really think of me. That the Death Eater would kill on a whim," he said flatly.

The sudden capitulation took Remus by surprise, but Severus' words were far more chilling. "No!" he denied hotly. He didn't know why he needed to reassure Severus, but the desire to do it was instinctive and undeniable. "I never believed you were a killer! I _know_ you. I've known you for years, and... and..." With a groan, Remus closed the distance between them and kissed Severus with passion, trying to express everything he felt and had denied to himself for the last two years, trying to reach Severus and prove he knew just who and what Severus was as no one else possibly could.

For a moment, Severus wanted to respond. He wanted to surrender to the kiss and let Lupin breathe life into him again. He'd been so cold, so empty for the past two years, but if he could have his Robert back, maybe he would start to feel and to care about life again. For a moment, he didn't even care that Robert and Lupin were the same; he just wanted that connection back desperately.

But reality crashed down on him, reminding him that Lupin had come here for the sole purpose of convincing him to resume the lessons, _not_ to close the rift between them. It was Potter who mattered to Lupin, not Severus, and no doubt the kiss was just another persuasive tactic.

Shoving ineffectually at Lupin's shoulders, he tried to pull away, refusing to give in.

Severus was fighting him, and Remus pulled back, even though everything in him wanted more. The taste of Severus was like spiced honey on his lips, and he knew he was addicted, wanting no other. But not like this... not if Severus didn't want him as well. Remus had the strength to take, and he might even be able to force Severus to give in, but it wouldn't be right.

Slowly Remus lowered Severus to his feet and stepped back. "I've missed you," he said huskily, then shuddered and shook his head. "Do what you want, Severus. I'm the last person who would force you into... anything. I can't make you teach Harry, and I certainly can't make you want me. And I'm selfish enough to want one far more than the other."

With that, he turned and walked away without looking back. He had to make certain he was never alone with Severus again. The danger was far too great; no matter what Severus had done, he had a hold on Remus that even betrayal couldn't break. But Severus didn't want him and never would. Nothing ever changed, it seemed - not for him, and certainly not for Severus.

* * *

The sun was shining, the scent of flowers was in the air, and unless one had actually witnessed it, there would be no way of knowing that the final battle of a war had taken place only three weeks before.

Remus was still reeling to an extent and still dealing with his own muddled feelings about the war, his wife's death, and the things he'd lost, as well as those he'd gained. He was surprised to find himself still alive, when it came right down to it. He'd gone into the final battle certain he would die, and perhaps part of him even wanted to die. After so many shocks in the last year, it was a wonder he wasn't a gibbering mess; the thought of surviving in the face of the odds against it had simply never occurred to him.

Yet here he was, walking through Hogsmeade toward the school as though the last twenty years had never happened. They had, of course. He wasn't a boy any longer, and he was headed back to help with the repairs, not a student; after the takeover by the Death Eaters, Hogwarts had to be checked out from the towers to the dungeons, swept for traps and any other nasty surprises it might hold. Minerva wanted no more Chambers of Secrets or Shrieking Shack incidents or any other mysteries during her tenure as headmistress. Safety and security were the only things that were going to make parents feel as though they could entrust their children to the school's care again, and it was up to the teachers to make certain that faith was justified. If it took a little of the wonder and magic out of the old place, Minerva's pragmatic soul was willing to pay that price.

So was Remus.

Pragmatism was all he had left, really. That, a tiny son whose custody he shared with Andromeda Tonks, and a cottage in Hogsmeade he'd been able to purchase through the money he'd been left by Albus and the pension he received from the Ministry as the widower of an Auror who had fallen in the line of duty. He had to be practical, since the responsibilities of parenthood were something he had to shoulder alone now. And so was the guilt he felt from knowing that as much as he loved his son, he hadn't love Teddy's mother or ever quite forgiven her for her duplicity. 

The castle came into sight, and Remus pulled his thoughts away from their dark path and told himself that he'd deal with everything in time. He had time now, surprisingly, and the freedom to do pretty much as he wished. He didn't quite know what that was, though, beyond raising Teddy and helping rebuild Hogwarts. No doubt ideas would come in due time, and he'd take them as they did, and hopefully, everything would work out all right.

"Hello, Hagrid," he greeted his old friend, who was busy planting something along the base of the front castle wall. Hagrid waved and called out a greeting, and then Remus made his way into the dimness of the entrance hall. He heard Minerva's voice coming from the Great Hall, and he turned in that direction, needing to ask her where she would like for him to concentrate his efforts for the day.

He stepped inside and stopped abruptly when he saw Minerva was not alone. By her side was a tall, dark, lean figure Remus knew all too well, belonging to someone Remus thought he'd never see again, and wasn't even certain he wanted to see. But Minerva had spotted him and called him over, and Remus swallowed hard and walked over to where she and Severus were standing.

"Good morning, Minerva. Severus." Remus couldn't seem to help his gaze wandering to Severus' face, his eyes traveling over the features he knew so well, the ones which had haunted his dreams for years. He'd heard that Severus had survived, and while he'd been happy for Severus, he didn't think it would change anything between them. There was too much history, too much pain, and so he forced his attention back to Minerva. "Where would you like me to start today?"

Minerva nodded briskly at his salutation. "Good morning, Remus. We could use an extra pair of hands in here," she said, gesturing to encompass the extensive damage in the Great Hall.

Beside her, Severus turned away without acknowledging the terse greeting. He couldn't have responded verbally even if he'd wanted to; his throat had been damaged so badly that the Healers were still uncertain whether he would ever be able to speak again. They were doing what they could, but he would not be able to speak while his throat healed, at the very least.

If he'd had his way, he wouldn't have returned to Hogwarts at all, but he owed Minerva a debt for saving his life - an act for which he was not at all grateful - thus he had agreed to help her repair the school so it would be ready in time for the fall term. All he wanted was to do the job and be finished with it so he could leave this cursed place once and for all, never to return.

"All right," Remus replied slowly, trying not to wince when Severus basically gave him his back as though he wasn't even there. "What would you like for me to do? Start with the ceiling and work my way down?"

"That will do." Minerva gazed up at the ceiling, which was plain now, its magic sky stripped away. "Perhaps we can repair the magic once we have restored the structure. I would like to see the clouds and stars overhead once more."

"Right, I'm on it." With a quick smile for Minerva and another glance at Severus' back, Remus drew his wand, casting a hover charm to propel himself upward to one of the beams at the base of the high arches overhead. From there, he could get a good view of the upper reaches of the ceiling, and he began to cast _Reparo_ spells on each of the cracks he could see in the ancient stone.

"Severus, why don't you see what you can do with the head table," Minerva suggested. "I know it will be more difficult for you, so don't you dare push yourself too hard," she added, wagging her finger at him sternly. "If you begin feeling tired or drained, then take a break. I will be working in the staff room if either of you need me."

Severus nodded tersely and headed to the head table as she left the Hall, her admonition rolling off his back. What did it matter if he pushed too hard? The sooner he got this task over with, the sooner he could leave; he didn't know where he was going yet, and he didn't care as long as it was far away from here. He didn't care about the school or his health or anything else; all he really wanted was to be left alone.

He didn't bother drawing his wand; he would have to use wordless magic, which required more concentration and more energy, but it was the only option he had, and he began his work with grim determination.

Remus couldn't help glancing down when Severus moved. He'd not yet heard Severus utter a word, and he'd heard through Minerva that Severus' voice might be gone forever, which Remus thought was a damned shame, since Severus had once had velvet tones that Remus had loved to hear. But it seemed a small price to pay for surviving, he supposed. So many others hadn't.

But it was more than Severus' voice that was missing. Something was definitely wrong with him, something Remus couldn't quite put his finger on. Severus had always been a fighter, even when he'd been fighting the wrong person. Now he seemed more like an automaton, going through the motions of existing rather than living.

Distracted by his contemplation of Severus, Remus didn't realize when his hover charm began to wear off, and with a startled cry, he lost his grip on the beam and began to plunge toward the stone floor below.

Startled by the cry, Severus whirled and instinctively stretched out his arm, casting a spell to slow Lupin's fall until he landed as light as a feather on the floor. Despite his own injuries, Severus' reflexes were still quick, and he hadn't quite managed to shake his battle responses despite the war being over.

Remus sighed in relief as he settled down on the floor. He'd have survived the fall, no doubt, but it would definitely have hurt, and he didn't mind being spared knocks, bruises, and possibly a broken bone or two. He gave Severus a rueful smile. 

"Thank you, Severus," he said, pushing a hand through his hair, self-conscious that his lapse had been because he'd been watching Severus instead of paying attention to his own charms. "That wouldn't have felt good. I'm glad to have been spared another sojourn in the infirmary."

Severus looked at Lupin, his expression blank and his eyes empty, and he shrugged before turning back to his own work. He didn't want Lupin's thanks; he'd done what needed to be done, nothing more.

The shrug Remus could understand, but the look in Severus' eyes - so bleak, so hopeless - sent a chill down Remus' spine. This wasn't Severus, not the Severus Remus knew and... cared about. He couldn't stand to see Severus this way, empty as though there was nothing left inside him, neither hope nor despair. 

He shouldn't care. Remus remembered all too well the last time he and Severus had been alone, that day in Severus' office when they'd kissed for the first and only time and Severus had pushed him away. He dreamed of that kiss ever since, replayed it in his mind, and longed to repeat it despite the impossibility of doing so. The yearning he felt for Severus was something he'd learned to live with, but he couldn't deny it was still there and always would be. Severus had a hold on him that nothing could break.

Stepping closer, Remus hesitated, then spoke, trying to find words that might help. "I was glad to hear you'd survived," he said softly. "I can't imagine what you must have gone through. I'm... I'm sorry. Sorry for what happened to you."

Severus drew his wand, and with a few flicks of his wrist, glowing green words formed in the air, shimmering between them: _It doesn't matter._

The familiar strokes of Ellison's handwriting made Remus' heart constrict, and he bit back a moan of loss. "It does matter. It's always mattered," Remus said huskily. "You matter."

Severus gave Lupin a look that expressed his disbelief more eloquently than any words, and he tucked his wand away again and turned back to the head table, refusing to continue a pointless conversation.

Severus obviously wasn't going to talk to him, and Remus sighed and turned away. He'd not given up, not yet, but it seemed that different actions were called for. He needed to reach Severus and help him find a reason to live. Why he felt he needed to do it didn't really matter, he told himself. It was simply the right thing to do. Severus had castigated him for not doing the right thing in the past, so he was damned well going to do it now.

Whether Severus liked it or not.

* * *

_My Dear Ellison,_

_I know it's been a long time since I've written to you, but it seems that reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated._

_I'm not sure how to begin, since there's so much I'd like to say, yet so much I'm afraid to say. We've caused each other a world of hurt, haven't we? I never wanted it to be like that; I never wanted anything negative between us, and I tried very hard to keep it that way. Unfortunately the best laid plans oft go awry, I suppose. Only the people you care the most about truly have the power to hurt you._

_If you opened this and have read this far, I have hope we can perhaps fix what went wrong between us. I want to fix it. I've never felt about anyone else in my life as I've felt for you; those feelings are still there, and I know they always will be._

_I'm sorry for all you've suffered, both at my hands and the hands of others. There has been so much pain in the world, so much ugliness and brutality, more than I ever wanted to know existed. It's amazing to me that we survived it, but I'm glad we did. I often thought I had nothing to live for, but recent events have changed my opinion._

_Again, I'm here for you, if you want me. I promise I won't lie to you. There are no secrets any more, I suppose; if you have questions, ask, and I will answer. I want to help you heal and find peace. You deserve it._

_Yours, as ever,  
Robert_

* * *

When the school owl arrived at Severus' quarters - new quarters located above ground and with windows this time - and Severus saw the letter with his name, or rather his former alias in all-too familiar writing on the envelope, he froze, barely able to take it and offer an owl treat in payment thanks to the sudden tremble in his fingers. He had never expected to receive a letter like this again, and for a moment, he wondered if it was real or perhaps a trick.

Sinking down into the nearest chair, he tore open the envelope and skimmed the letter, and then he let it fall to his lap, covering his face with one hand as a shudder wracked him. The words were familiar, and the letter sounded so much like the Robert of old that it made Severus' throat close up so tightly, it ached; he had missed the man who had once been his friend and confidante, with whom he'd been half in love with since he was a teenager, and even though he knew this was merely an illusion and that Robert didn't really understand him and wasn't really his friend, there was an empty place in his ice-shrouded heart that longed to have Robert back in his life once more.

He could feel long-suppressed emotions rising to the surface, and he forced them down again; he was far too drained, mentally and emotionally, to collect his thoughts enough to compose a response; instead, he dragged himself to bed and curled up in a tight ball beneath his covers, and he fell quickly into an exhausted slumber.

When he awoke the next morning, he bathed and dressed before picking up the letter again, feeling better equipped to deal with it when he wasn't in his dressing gown. Taking a seat at his writing desk, he picked up a quill and began to write.

_To say I am surprised to have received your letter is something of an understatement. When Robert died, so did Ellison, and a resurrection was quite unexpected. You say you want to fix what went wrong. I don't know if that is possible. I am not the same man, and I doubt you are either._

_As for what went wrong, it is simple: I did not know who you were, and I betrayed you; you knew who I was, and you didn't tell me, which is something of a betrayal as well. How long had you known? Why did you not tell me you knew my true identity? You allowed me to continue pouring out my thoughts to someone you knew I disliked and distrusted._

_For the record, Dumbledore informed me that the Defense position was cursed. You could not have remained beyond a year, and I happened to be the means by which the curse was fulfilled. Considering what happened to your predecessors and successors, I would say you got off lightly in comparison. I say this not to excuse myself, but to explain that I was not acting fully of my own volition. Had I not been motivated by the curse, I cannot say what I would have done. All I can say is that I did not bear enough malice against you to make me believe I would have deliberately, consciously made the same choice. Considering I am a spiteful, hateful bastard, I understand if you find that difficult to believe, but because of Robert's questions and advice, I bore Remus Lupin less ill-will than either Potter or Black._

_I do not share your sentiments about surviving the war. I wish I hadn't. I do not feel I have any reason to continue this existence; I have not felt that way since I lost the one connection I trusted and thought I could always count on. In the end, it proved as impermanent as all the rest. I am tired, and all I want at this point is to be left alone._

* * *

Remus winced as he read Severus' reply. It wasn't what he had hoped, given the depression that seemed to cling to it palpably, but it _was_ a response, and that was something. If Severus had truly given up all hope, he wouldn't have written; it would have been easy enough for him to have torn up the letter and pretend he'd never received it.

Sitting at the small table in his kitchen, Remus stared at a blank piece of parchment, not wanting to begin until he had his thoughts in order. He'd promised Severus the truth, and he would give it, but these words were all that would pass between them, and they had to be chosen carefully. He didn't want Severus hurt any more, even unintentionally, and that meant he mustn't take even the slightest nuance for granted.

_My Dear Ellison,_

_You're right, neither of us is the same man we were four years ago, nor two years ago, and especially not the boys we were when we began our correspondence. That's to be expected; time changes everyone, experiences shape us, and fate often twists us in her fickle grasp. But I like to think it is possible to heal and to bridge gaps, even if it's a difficult process that might take a long time. I have time, and I'll keep at it so long as you keep writing to me. If you cease our correspondence, I shall know you've given up all hope, and that's something I don't know if even a man with my patience can combat. But I don't think you've given up quite yet. I want to believe that deep down, you also want to heal. You've always fought for survival, and I don't think you're ready to give up now._

_You're both right and wrong in some respects about what happened; it's hardly simple, as very few things are. Yes, you betrayed me because you didn't know who I was. I don't know if the curse on the position had anything to do with it. I'd like to think that it did, that you wouldn't have betrayed me otherwise. I can believe it, as a matter of fact; you see, I know that you didn't betray me to the Death Eaters during the first war, and you could have easily done so. You also could have told anyone you pleased about what I was and gotten me socially ostracized the moment we left school, and you didn't. There were many, many times you could have given away my secret for spite or profit, and you didn't. That's why I can believe you when you say you didn't bear me enough ill-will to do it of your own free will. I hadn't known about the curse, of course, since Albus never told me. I wish he had, for it may have changed my actions at the time. But perhaps that was part of the curse as well; if the goal was to make the holder of the position suffer greatly, then it succeeded splendidly in that, for it cost me the thing in my life that meant the most to me. You._

_You ask how long I knew who you were, and why I never admitted that I knew. The first is easy; I learned the moment on the Hogwarts Express when you fell against me and I caught your scent. It had been there on your letters all year, and it was on your skin, as clear to me as a photograph is to the eye. To say I was surprised... well, yes, I was, but perhaps subconsciously, I wasn't. My mental picture of Ellison didn't end up being that far from the reality of you, as it happens. Perhaps deep down, I knew all along, but my first conscious acknowledgment was on that fateful train ride._

_Why I never told you I knew is much more complex, and I can't say that parts of my reasons might not have been self-serving. Yes, I was well aware if you knew it was me you were writing to, you might have wanted to stop the correspondence, but by that time, you were so much a part of my life, I couldn't bear to lose you. I was never dismayed or upset that it was you, and I never considered ceasing our letters. I didn't want either of us to lose something that had become important to us, and it seemed that since we had ended up going our separate ways and I knew I was never going to betray you, it didn't really matter who I was._

_Surely, as time went on, you must have suspected I might have been your Robert, didn't you? You could have asked, and I would have admitted it, but I decided it wasn't so important to you as to risk our relationship, so I didn't feel compelled to admit who I was, nor admit that I knew it was you. What we shared seemed to transcend our identities; we were speaking heart to heart, soul to soul, as people who understood each other so well that physical form was irrelevant. We connected. Does the fact that I am who I am change that in any way? Am I any less Robert because I am also Remus?_

_Another factor why I didn't tell you was that I was hoping, in what turned out to be a vain, futile way, that I might somehow find the words to help you forgive me for everything that had occurred between us. A large part of that was because I truly wanted you to be able to heal, to move past the painful incidents which have haunted you and seem to haunt you still. I told myself if that happened, I would admit to you who I was. You may not be a soppy, sentimental man, but I am. I had cherished a dream that one day, you would accept Remus as wholeheartedly as you accepted Robert, and that on that day, our relationship might become more - it might become real, to the extent that the bond between us could be physical as well as mental._

_Yes, I'm stupid. I freely admit it; you don't have to tell me, and I know that my letters must have given me away more than once. I was madly jealous of Regulus - yes, I knew the identity of your lover as well, and I never told anyone - and I wished I could be the one who held you and comforted you and shared your heart. I fell in love with you that day on the train, when my Ellison fell into my arms and became more than just the man who shared my thoughts. That emotion has colored every one of my actions since that moment._

_I'm sorry you don't feel it as important that you survived the war as I do. I hope I can change your mind._

_Yours, as always,  
Robert_

* * *

Severus felt uneasy about facing Lupin again after the exchange of letters, and he decided to practice avoidance for once rather than pushing himself into interaction. In this case, his former haunt, the dungeon, was the lesser of the two evils despite the fact that he'd been avoiding the dungeon as well, holding as it did too many painful memories, and he spent the day working on repairs in the Slytherin common room.

He had no idea whether Lupin would give up on him again or if Lupin would respond, and he wasn't certain which he preferred. On the one hand, he did want to be left alone, but on the other, there was a tiny, faint spark he had long ignored that wanted to flare to life once more.

When another letter did arrive, his reaction was not as violent as it had been to the first, but he couldn't quite squelch a tremor in his fingers as he opened the envelope. He read the letter slowly, shaking his head over the contents. Lupin had always been more optimistic and sentimental than he was, and it seemed that much, at least, hadn't changed.

_On some level, I suspected your true identity, but I chose not to think about it or examine the evidence too closely. I didn't want to deal with the possibility of having to reconcile the friend I trusted and cared for with the weak-willed follower I disdained. When I was forced to face the truth, I felt as if I had received a double blow, not only in losing the only friend and confidante I had, but also in realizing to whom I had been confiding all those years. When it occurred to me that you had known who I was, I grew angry for a time as well, but for the most part, I felt little. I was numb with the loss, and it grew worse over the years._

_I had reconciled myself to the idea that Robert and Remus were the same man by the time we met again two years later. At that point, I assumed you wanted nothing to do with me, and I was not about to lower my guard. When you kissed me, I thought it was merely another tactic in your attempt to coerce me into teaching Potter again. Given the fact you had ignored my existence for two years and declared yourself dead to me, I had no reason to think otherwise._

_Now, I suppose it matters little. As you know, I felt a spark of attraction to you that day on the train, and I felt it that day in my office. I loved Regulus, but deep down, I believe I felt more of a pull toward Robert even then. Certainly, I trusted Robert more than I ever trusted Regulus. But that trust was broken on my end as well as yours. I once thought you would always be there and I could always count on you. That proved to be untrue._

_I have spent the last four years alone and increasingly isolated. It is a condition I have grown accustomed to, and it is safe. After the things that have passed between us face to face, I am uncertain whether the connection was as strong or as real as I thought it was or whether you ever understood me as much as I thought you did. I am uncertain about a great many things these days, it seems._

* * *

It hadn't escaped Remus that Severus was avoiding him, but even though it gave him a pang, it was enough that Severus was still writing to him. As painful as the letters were, they were necessary, if the two of them were going to heal and get beyond everything.

By the time Severus' reply to Remus' admission of his feelings arrived, he was busy with Teddy, carrying the baby with him, bottle propped on his shoulder as he opened the window and accepted the letter from the owl. He was frantic to read it, but his duty to his son came first, even over Severus. Teddy may not have been what Remus had planned, but Remus adored his son, and his devotion to his child was not a burden.

When Teddy was finally bathed and diapered and sleeping peacefully in his crib, Remus was tired, but he knew he would never sleep until he'd read what Severus had to say. As he had expected, it caused him more than a few pangs, both of conscience and remorse. But he needed to set the record straight, and so he immediately went for the materials to make his reply.

_My dear Ellison,_

_Again, I will apologize for the pain I caused you. Please, please believe it was never my intention to hurt you. All I ever wanted was your acceptance, and I didn't know your dislike and disdain of me as Remus ran as deep as it apparently did. I truly believed that one day, you would come to accept me, but I see now that I was wrong._

_When I went to your office two years ago, I can honestly say I consciously didn't want anything to do with you, because I was sure that deep down, you had known who I was and that my identity as Robert wouldn't have stopped you from betraying me. I understand now that things weren't as they seemed, but at the time, I had little else to go on._

_I didn't intend to kiss you. I intended to make a reasonable argument for you to start the lessons again, then leave. But your accusations that I was trying to guilt trip you and the implication that I'd not sacrificed hurt. I snapped, and then you were there against me, and you were so injured. So wounded. Suddenly I wasn't angry anymore; all I wanted to do was hold you and comfort you and take away your pain, and I kissed you. Then you pushed me away, and I felt my heart break all over again. I'm sorry for that, too, but I was so afraid you'd see the hold you had over me, that you'd know a single word from you would have made me fall at your feet. You despised me for being a weak-willed sycophant, so how could I let you know that I was weakest when it came to you?_

_We've both had our faith broken with each other, but I want it back. The difficulty with our face to face interactions is that when you see me, you're really seeing Remus, not Robert. To me, you are Ellison and Severus, so I have no problem accepting you as both. It's true, isn't it? Tell me that if your throat wasn't injured, you could say to me the things you've been writing. You couldn't, could you? I think you could learn to trust Robert again, if you wished, but Remus seems to be another story. But I want to change that._

_I believe you understand me and you always have in every way that matters. You may feel you're safe now, but believe me, safety in solitude is an illusion. I know this intimately, for my own attempts to withdraw into solitude ended up going horribly awry._

_I will share with you something that no one else knows, nor ever will know: the circumstances of my marriage and the birth of my son. You're the only who could understand._

_After Albus' death, I tried to kill myself._

_Perhaps it was stupid, in retrospect, but the despair I felt was beyond sanity. You see, I blamed myself. I thought you really had turned against Albus and the Order, and I felt it was my fault. I feared when I told you Robert was dead, perhaps in some way, you thought not only had I betrayed you, but Albus had as well, since he'd set us up to be pen-pals in the first place. No, I'm not claiming my logic was sound, but it rarely is when one is mad with grief and loss and pain and guilt. All I could think was that I'd damaged you so severely that you'd gone over to Voldemort again to achieve vengeance. I'd lost you, the only man I'd ever loved, and Albus was dead at your hand, and the guilt was suffocating me. I'll spare you the details, but Tonks found me before I succeeded in doing myself in. She'd been pursuing me for a year, and I'd rejected her as kindly as I could, but she still had faith that somehow her love would find a way. As I was there, thinking I was dying, I admitted to her that I was gay, and that was why I couldn't love her and that she should find someone else._

_She healed me, then told me she was going to get a potion to help me sleep. I took the potion; to this day, I'm not sure if she deliberately substituted a lust potion instead, or if somehow in the chaos following Albus' death, if someone else did it as a prank, perhaps Peeves. Needless to say, the inevitable happened, much to my horror; I can say with complete honesty, I've never been attracted to a woman, and I couldn't have been with her without the potion's influence._

_Regardless of how or why it happened, Tonks ended up pregnant, and at that point, I was trapped. I wanted to escape, not just because I was in a marriage to someone I didn't love with a child I'd never even dreamed of having on the way, but because I was becoming increasingly frantic to find you. I don't know why; I'm not sure if I wanted to kill you or kiss you, but it was an obsession that got me almost ostracized by Harry. So I stayed. The irony is that when I tried to stand up for what I wanted, it was at the least acceptable time._

_Regardless of the circumstances of his conception or the sham my marriage was, I do love my son. I never even hated Tonks, although I could never have loved her, and she quickly saw that that one night was all I was capable of. Still, she seemed oddly content, for reasons I couldn't understand. Perhaps just knowing she would have a child was enough for her._

_That being said, when the final battle came, I was quite ready to go out and die. Not even the love I had for my son was enough to make up for the fact that everything in my life had gone to hell and I'd lost you more thoroughly than I'd ever thought possible. I didn't know Tonks was going to come after me; I never thought she'd leave Teddy alone. Maybe she thought she could save me again, but her decision cost her her life._

_I thought I had died; perhaps I did, for a while, for I seemed to see James and Lily and Sirius, and we talked to Harry. But then everything went black, and I woke up in the infirmary. I was told Tonks was dead, and that things were touch and go with you, but you were a hero. At that point, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry._

_After a bit, though, I came to think maybe fate was trying to give me a second chance. Suddenly I was no longer an outcast. My wife was dead, and while it hurt, it was more my regret and shame for not loving her as she wanted and grief over the loss of a friend, but not the love of my life. The love of my life, in fact, was alive, and he wasn't a traitor; I'd not failed him in that regard, at least._

_I know the whole 'while there is life there is hope' thing is a cliche, but I couldn't help hoping, somehow, that our survival might be a second chance for us both. I almost didn't allow myself to believe it, at first, but then the first time I got near you, I knew I had to try. I'm laying it all on the line, Severus, my Ellison, my heart. Please, give me a chance to make you believe. Tell me what part of your life I can have, and I'll take it. Yes, I'm weak-willed. Yes, I'm a follower. But I'd follow you to the ends of the earth._

_You say you are uncertain, so let me prove myself to you. It's a miracle we survived. Isn't there any way we can take this as our second chance? Can't we start over and not let the past haunt us and rob us of our dreams again?_

_Yours, forever,  
Robert_

* * *

Severus didn't need Lupin to spell out that he was laying his heart on the line; it was obvious, even to Severus, whose emotional discernment had atrophied considerably over the last few years. The question was what he wanted to do about it. He was terrified of being abandoned or betrayed again, but he had longed for Robert for decades, and that, coupled with his attraction to Lupin, seemed to indicate he might be able to integrate the two personas in his mind and his heart.

But was it worth the risk? He felt safe, no matter what Lupin said about safety in solitude being an illusion; he couldn't be hurt this way, at least. But then again, he was nowhere near happy. He wasn't even reasonably content. He was cold and empty inside, and that was a hurt of a different kind, one that wouldn't go away.

Anything he did would involve risk, but then again, anything he did would likely be better than his existence now; it could probably be worse, but he didn't want to think how because things seemed about as bad as they could get as it was. He might have escaped being sentenced to Azkaban, but he was in prison nonetheless, one of his own making. And Lupin was offering to set him free.

_It sounds as if you already know the truth behind what I did, so I will not explain the details; at least now you know you were not responsible for me returning to the dark side, so to speak. What I did was for the greater good and because I cared little about what happened to me at that point. I never expected to survive the war. I did not want to survive. I was annoyed to wake up and find Dumbledore and McGonagall had made plans to protect me, if they could. I suppose the old bastard thought he was doing me a favor in trying to keep me alive._

_You say you want a second chance, and you want to prove yourself to me. How do you intend to do so? How are trust and faith rebuilt once they are shattered? The best part of me, the part that was capable of trusting and caring, died when Robert died. I have no idea whether it can be resurrected._

After finishing the letter, Severus hesitated, gripped by the urge to forgo sending it via owl in favor of delivering it himself. It was a risk, but everything about this situation was a risk, and giving the letter to Lupin himself felt like the right thing to do. Why, he didn't know, but he gave in to his impulse nonetheless.

He went to the Great Hall first to see if Lupin was still working there, but there was no sign of Lupin, only the house-elves scurrying about; with a mental grumble, he performed a wordless tracking charm, using that rather than traipsing all over the damned castle, and at last, he found Lupin on one of the upper floors, checking for residual curse damage. He tapped the wall with his wand as he approached, making the only noise he could to announce his arrival.

At the sound behind him, Remus turned away from the window casement he'd been checking, startled to find Severus standing there. His heart leapt and began to hammer in his chest; he hoped it was a good sign that Severus had sought him out, but perhaps Severus was just there to tell him goodbye to his face. Holding on desperately to hope, Remus smiled, putting away his wand and moving to stand in front of Severus.

"Hello," he said softly, his eyes devouring Severus' face, searching for any hint as to what Severus wanted. "I'm glad to see you."

There was little Severus could do to respond to that, and so he held out the letter instead, which he had folded neatly rather than putting in an envelope, and he crossed his arms over his chest once Lupin had taken it and watched impassively, waiting to see what Lupin's response would be.

Remus took the letter with fingers that trembled slightly, hoping it wasn't a stilted, formal brush-off. He scanned the contents quickly, then looked back at Severus, his relief obvious. It wasn't the end; Severus was looking for reassurance, which said to Remus that Severus _did_ still have hope, or he wouldn't even have tried.

"Severus." Remus let the name linger on his tongue, loving the sound of it, and then he smiled, his expression full of understanding. "Yes, I now know the truth behind what you did. I understand it, even. After that kiss, I stopped caring what happened to me, too. There didn't seem to be much point in going on when I'd lost everything that mattered to me. I fully intended to die, so I know how you felt. Nothing could have surprised me more than when I woke up to find I was still alive.

"But..." Remus paused and sighed. He wanted so desperately to reach out and touch Severus, but he didn't want Severus to push him away, or worse, turn and leave. Instead he held up his hand, a gesture of entreaty. "I do want to prove myself to you. The problem with doing it is that you must have trust and faith in me to allow me to do so. I'm willing to woo you, if that's what you'd like. To take as much time as it requires for you to feel comfortable with me. I'll even take Veritaserum, if that would help you to know I mean every word I say. I do think we can rebuild things between you and me as Severus and Remus, not just between Robert and Ellison. I think you believe it, too, or you wouldn't be here. You would have told me to go straight to hell rather than reaching out as you are. That's what this is, you being here. You're showing me you want to be convinced. The part of you that can care isn't dead, but I can understand why you're worried about getting hurt again. Neither of us wants to be hurt, and I'd rather die than ever hurt you."

Drawing his wand, Severus wrote in the air between them, punctuating the words with a pointed look: _You've said that before_.

"Yes, and I meant it then, just as I mean it now," Remus replied. "The problem is that I can't guarantee you'll never be hurt again, just as you can't guarantee that I won't. We're human, and we're flawed, and misunderstandings happen even between people who love each other. All I can promise is that I will do everything I can not to hurt you. As far as I can tell, the pain we've caused each other has always been not over the things we've told each other, but those we haven't. The secrets we've kept. I won't keep anything from you again. If secrets have caused the rift between us, then I don't want any more secrets. I just want you."

Severus considered what Lupin had said, mulling it over for a moment. He still remembered the agonizing pain of losing Robert, and he never wanted to experience anything like that again. Then again, he supposed it was unlikely either of them would be in such a position again. He was still cautious, however, and he intended to move slowly, rather than rush into something and end up abandoned again.

 _I don't have any secrets left,_ he wrote at last, and he gave Lupin a stern look. _You must never make promises you don't think you can keep again_ , he added, thinking of Robert's promise that Severus would never lose him.

Hope leapt within Remus, and he nodded. His heart was hammering in his chest so loudly that he thought Severus might hear it, but he couldn't help it, not when Severus' words seemed to be holding out a lifeline to him. "I won't. To be honest, though, when I promised you would never lose me, I couldn't have imagined what ended up happening. But I think since there are no more secrets between us, nothing like that could ever happen again. If you want to use Legilimency on me to see the truth of my heart, Severus, I will gladly let you. I want you to feel safe. I want to be your haven, and I'll do anything that will help you to feel as though you can trust me with your heart."

 _It will take time_ , Severus wrote, glancing away. He felt awkward and uncertain, torn between what he thought he wanted and what was safe, and he didn't intend to misstep this time. Ellison might have come to trust Robert quickly, but Severus had no intention of repeating past mistakes and acting in haste. _We will see what happens._

"All right." Remus smiled, taking a step closer to Severus, reaching out hesitantly to brush a lock of raven-black hair away from the pale skin of Severus' cheek. "I've missed you so much. I'll take as much time as you need to feel safe with me, so you'll have to tell me when you're ready for things, when I've managed to earn some level of trust. Thank you for giving me another chance, my Ellison. My life without you has been empty and barren."

Severus didn't shy away from the touch, merely lowered his gaze; he couldn't deny, even to himself, that he was affected by Lupin's words, but he wasn't ready to take that leap of faith yet. Unable to think of a suitable response, he nodded tersely instead.

Remus chuckled, his heart feeling lighter than it had in years. "Would it be rushing things to invite you to dinner tonight?" he asked, brushing his thumb over Severus' cheek, pleased that Severus hadn't reared back from him. "Teddy is with his grandmother, so you wouldn't be overwhelmed with an infant about. I was planning on making Shepherd's Pie, or we could go to the Three Broomsticks, if you'd feel more comfortable in a public place. You set the pace, love; at the risk of being thought a weak-willed follower again, I'll happily dance to your tune, if you'll give me the music."

The reminder that Lupin had a child was somewhat sobering; Severus' experience with children was limited, and he wasn't overly fond of them. Then again, most of his experience had been with his students, and he wasn't certain whether small children, particularly infants, would be better or worse than burgeoning adolescents. At least the adolescents didn't spit up or require nappy changes.

Still, he nodded slowly and lifted his wand again. _Dinner at the pub is fine_ , he wrote.

"Excellent!" Remus beamed, his blue-green eyes full of light and hope for the first time in years. "I hope I won't seem like I'm monopolizing the conversation, although you say more with a single glance than many people do with a whole paragraph. I'll have to run home and tidy up before we go. Shall we meet at the pub at six?"

Severus nodded as he tucked his wand away; his stomach was in knots of apprehension, and he hoped he wasn't making a colossal mistake in leaving his safe cocoon, but he supposed time would tell whether he had made the right decision or not.

"Right, then. I'll see you at six." Remus drew in a breath. "Thank you, Severus. I'll make sure you don't regret it."

With another terse nod, Severus turned and walked away, fervently hoping he didn't regret it, but surely dinner wouldn't be too difficult to get through. He'd done things far more difficult than facing Remus Lupin across a dinner table, although the difference was a mistake in one of those situations would have merely meant his death. This could cost him his heart.


	7. Chapter 7

Remus paced nervously around his bedroom, checked the clock for the millionteenth time in the last hour, and decided that fate must truly hate him to make the minute hand move so slowly.

He'd been vacillating between euphoria and terror ever since Severus had agreed to go to dinner with him. Having a simple meal with Severus, akin to a date, was something he'd dreamt of many times, but the reality of it, given that Severus was still uncertain of him, wasn't going to be anything like his blissful romantic notions of candlelight and soft music and stolen kisses across the table. Not that he wasn't eager to be with Severus in any way he could, but he also feared that if he said or did the wrong thing, Severus might withdraw from him permanently, deciding Remus wasn't worth the risk. He had to find a way to balance between sincerity and flirtatiousness, reassurance and persuasion, while having nothing much to go on other than Severus' physical reactions. No doubt this was going to be one of the biggest challenges of Remus' life, with possibly the greatest payoff for success and a horrendous penalty for failure.

Nothing, however, said that he had to play completely fair, and so he'd done his best to capitalize on his own assets, which would hopefully be able to distract Severus in the event Remus committed a colossal gaff. Severus had already admitted he was attracted to him, and so Remus decided to capitalize on that as much as humanly - or lupinely - possible. He'd showered, washing his hair and letting in dry in natural waves to his shoulders, the silver at his temples giving him what he hoped was a distinguished air rather than simply making him look prematurely old. His wardrobe wasn't large, since he'd had more important things on his mind than clothing, but he decided to forgo anything that smacked of tweed or cardigans or other "comfort" clothing in order to show Severus that this definitely was a special occasion. He had a nice set of robes that he'd worn for his wedding, but somehow he didn't think those were appropriate, given the negative associations they held for him. In the end, he decided on his one nice dress shirt, which he transformed to a deep teal to compliment his eyes, and a pair of plain black trousers which fit his slender hips in a way he thought flattering. It was summer, thankfully, so he didn't have to worry about a jacket or coat, and he also decided not to wear a tie, leaving the shirt open at his throat. Another charm buffed his worn shoes to a decent shine, and he even had a small bottle of decent cologne, a subtle, spicy scent Minerva had given him the previous Christmas. 

The only jewelry he had was his wedding ring, and he looked at it for a moment, before sliding it off and putting it in a drawer, deciding to hold on to it for Teddy. It hadn't occurred to him to remove it before, but this was meant to be a fresh start, and that meant putting aside the reminders of the past. 

At last, the clock struck the three-quarters hour, and Remus drew in a deep breath before leaving his small cottage and making his way to the Three Broomsticks. He stepped inside, looking around for Severus, and when he was satisfied that he'd arrived first, he smiled at Rosmerta, asking her to direct Severus to a somewhat secluded back booth, where they could have some privacy and yet be in enough public view that hopefully Severus wouldn't feel as though Remus were either ashamed of him or up to nefarious schemes.

Severus had spent a great deal of time dithering over whether he ought to call off the meeting, and once he decided it would be too cowardly of him to back out, he spent even more time dithering over what to wear. It wasn't as if he had a great deal of choice in the matter; his wardrobe consisted of long jackets and sensible trousers - all of which were black - and long-sleeved shirts, all of which were white. He could have Transfigured something, he supposed, but tailoring charms had never been his strong point, and he was tired and muzzy-headed after a day spent on repairs done solely through wordless magic. It was taxing, even for a wizard with his strength and power, and he didn't want to attempt something new and end up with his clothes covered in pink polka dots.

He bathed, medicated and dressed his throat in a fresh swath of bandages, and dressed himself in his usual garments. He shaved, removing his five o'clock shadow by hand with a straight razor, and with that, he decided he was about as ready as he could make himself, and he set off to the pub.

When he arrived, Rosmerta smiled pleasantly at him and directed him to a booth, for which he was grateful; he didn't particularly want to be stuck at a table in the middle of the room, not when people still had a tendency to gawk at the 'reformed Death Eater' who had 'helped the Boy Who Lived save the wizarding world'. It was nauseating, the drivel that had been written about him in the newspaper, and he'd had to stop reading the paper for the time being to avoid seeing yet another article or worse, his own face glowering off the pages at him.

He slid into the seat opposite Lupin and looked across the table at him, noting that Lupin appeared to have taken pains with his grooming and that the color of his shirt suited him. He had always found Lupin's eyes attractive, and they seemed particularly vivid this evening. He drew his wand and placed it on the table, and he drew a small package containing a quill, ink, and parchment and placed it on the table, gesturing between the two before picking up his wand and writing a question in the air.

 _Which should I use?_ , he asked, wanting to establish a means of communication before anything else.

Smiling, Remus watched Severus sit down across from him; he'd worried Severus might change his mind at the last moment, but thankfully Severus had followed through. "How about the parchment?" he said, tapping the sheets with his finger. "It's a bit more private than having your words hovering in the air, and even though we're not in full sight, I think I'd rather our conversation stay just between the two of us. That being said, if you tell me what you'd like to eat and drink, I'll order it."

Severus nodded curtly and put his wand away, reaching for the quill and parchment instead. _Pumpkin juice and a bowl of potato soup._ He paused, then added an explanation: _I am supposed to eat 'soft' foods for another week._

"That makes sense," Remus said sympathetically. He could see the bandages at Severus' throat. "Does your injury give you much pain? And do you know if your voice will ever come back?"

 _It does not hurt as much now as it did when I first woke up_ , Severus replied, writing swiftly and trying to sound matter-of-fact; he didn't want to seem as if he were playing for sympathy. _I have medication that helps with the pain. The Healers are not certain whether I will be able to speak again. They have not ruled out the possibility, but it is still too soon to tell._

Remus winced. "That must be hard, not knowing if you'll be able to speak again," he said softly, then shook his head. "I hope you get your voice back, not simply because it would make your life easier, but because I think you have a beautiful voice. There aren't enough beautiful things in the world that we can spare one." 

Severus glanced down, feeling heat stinging his cheeks from embarrassment. He wasn't accustomed to compliments, and he could count the number of times someone had said there was anything beautiful about him on one hand, even if he had been missing a few fingers as well as his voice. He wasn't certain how to respond, and after a moment of dithering, he wrote, _I am obeying their instructions carefully in hopes it will return_.

"Good. I'll help in any way I can, too. I'm not certain if there _is_ anything I can do, but if you can think of anything, I'll do it." Remus was delighted by the flush on Severus' cheeks, something he wasn't certain he'd ever seen before. He was loathe to move, but he stood with a regretful sigh. "I'll order our food and be right back." 

It took only a few moments for Rosmerta to pour the pumpkin juice, and she promised to serve the soup soon. Smiling, he made a request for dessert, and Rosmerta chuckled and nodded.

Returning to the table, Remus slid a glass of cold pumpkin juice to Severus before resuming his seat. "To your swift return to complete health," he said, lifting his glass in a toast, his eyes full of warmth.

Severus nodded an acknowledgment and took a sip of juice, averting his gaze. The warmth in Lupin's eyes made his stomach feel odd.

Remus took a long drink from his glass, then sat it back on the table, wrapping his hands around the base. "I'm not exactly certain where to start," he said, giving a wry smile and a slight shrug. "I've never actually been on a date before, can you believe it? You'll probably think I'm even more of a hopeless case than you already thought."

 _It isn't as if I have a great deal of experience either,_ Severus wrote. _Regulus and I never really dated; we ended up together somehow, mainly because he pursued me and I liked him enough to agree to the romance. I haven't been with anyone since he died_ , he added, pushing the parchment to Lupin with a diffident shrug, as if what he was admitting was of little consequence.

The description of Severus' experience didn't really surprise Remus, given that Robert had known from Ellison what was going on at the time. "I know," he said quietly. "I have to admit to being a little torn about that from time to time. On one hand, I wanted you to be happy; on the other, I have to admit to feeling a certain amount of jealousy toward Regulus and anyone else who was allowed near you." He flushed, feeling a bit self-conscious. "I was never with anyone but Tonks, and then only the one time, which I barely remember. We didn't date, either. It just... Well, we went from her chasing me to us being married rather abruptly, so we skipped the in-between parts."

Severus raised one eyebrow at Lupin's description of their "courtship". _You never have been very good at telling people to sod off when you ought to_. He paused and gave Lupin a sardonic look as he added, _Except me. You were quite decisive about that. But it seems like your other situations have lacked sufficient convincing force._

A sheepish expression crossed Remus' face, and he gave a somewhat breathless chuckle. "Well, yes, I suppose you're right," he said. "All I can say is that in your case, it was because you mattered so much. A back-handed compliment, in a way." He stared down into his glass of pumpkin juice. "I shouldn't have done it, though. I was just feeling so... lost. I was clinging to hope that entire year, trying to get close to you, hoping against hope that one day you'd look at me, raise a brow, and say, 'I suspected you were Robert all along. Now kindly stop dawdling and kiss me'. It's stupid and soppy and... well, it was a dream. A dream I lived for, although that doesn't make it any less stupid, I suppose."

 _Yes, you are stupid and soppy, but I knew that already,_ Severus wrote, giving Lupin an aggrieved look. _Even if I had guessed Robert's identity, I doubt I would have said anything, because I had no idea that you knew my identity already, and I did not want to risk losing what I had by admitting Ellison = the greasy git of Slytherin._

With a snort, Remus shook his head. "I wouldn't have pushed you away because of that. Although I must protest that I have never once, even in my thoughts, considered you the greasy git of a Slytherin." Reaching out, he touched Severus' hand, a light press of his fingers on the back to emphasize his point. "I can honestly say that when I discovered you were Ellison, I was surprised, but not repulsed. I was _happy_. It was all I could do not to hug you breathless. I was also relieved I had offered you the apology before knowing you were Ellison, because I didn't have to question my motives in doing so. I wasn't apologizing to Ellison; I was apologizing to Severus. A small distinction, I suppose, but I don't know if I could have kept writing to you afterward if I hadn't done it. I would have felt too guilty."

 _Under the circumstances, you would have had ample reason to feel guilty,_ Severus wrote, punctuating the words with a haughty lift of his chin. _However, it does help to know you apologized before you knew Ellison's identity. Let me remind you, however, that I had no way of knowing you had never thought of me as 'the greasy git', considering who your friends were and what they thought of me. Even if I had known it was you, which I didn't, I would have had the same concern. As universally disliked as I was, surely it is obvious why I was reticent about revealing myself._

"Yes, I understand that," Remus began. Rosmerta arrived with their soup at that moment, and he held his tongue as she served them, refilling their glasses before slipping away with a quiet smile. "I had hoped, even before knowing you were Ellison, that I could apologize and find some way to... I don't know. Making up for what had happened to you would have been impossible, but I thought I could reach out to you and find some common connection, the same way I had with Ellison. Ellison showed me that House differences really weren't important, and he gave me the courage to try to bridge the gap with Severus. I had no idea you were one and the same at that point. But you made it quite clear that I, as Remus, couldn't hope to reach you as Robert had reached Ellison. That didn't make me want to stop trying, though. I spent years trying to do just that."

Severus absently brushed the end of his quill against his chin as he mulled over what Lupin had said. He remembered the kinds of things he had written to "Robert" about Lupin. Scathing things. He had felt little respect for Lupin, as he felt little respect for anyone who let themselves be walked on the way Lupin had.

 _I cannot deny that it is unlikely you would have reached me as Robert did_ , he admitted. _I did not respect you. During the year you taught at Hogwarts, I thought perhaps you had changed, but then I learned you had protected Black, and you ran right back to him as soon as he reared his mangy head. I thought that illustrated quite clearly where your loyalties lay. You know how things unfolded from there, of course._

"But I didn't protect Sirius!" Remus shook his head in vehement denial, then leaned over the table, capturing Severus' gaze with earnest eyes. "I was protecting myself, which is probably worse. I truly hated what I thought Sirius had done, but our friendship had been fractured long before the night James and Lily died. I was furious with him for using me to try to hurt you. Furious that he could have thought that lycanthropy was a game, and that your life was worth so little that he'd see you dead or made a monster. It killed me that he thought nothing of using me to do it, when it would have ruined my life as surely as it would have yours." 

Drawing in a breath to calm himself, Remus sat back. "It took me a year to tolerate being around Sirius without wanting to hit him. I know you think I was weak-willed, but he _knew_ what I was. At first, him accepting me despite it gained my unquestioning loyalty, because no one other than my parents who knew what I was had ever willingly stayed around me. He and James and Peter were like saints to me, because I had been taught that I was an outcast, a pariah, a monster not worthy of having friends. I was also a child, and I had a child's need to be accepted and was hurt and bewildered when I wasn't." His eyes burned suddenly, the memory of the pain of that time still able to touch him after all these years. "Then I was afraid of him, also because he knew what I was. In knowing, he had power over me, and he'd already shown he could use it for his own reasons. Maybe I shouldn't have forgiven him, but I did, eventually. Then... well, it all went to hell again, when he and James shut me out, seeming suspicious that I might be in league with Voldemort just because I was a werewolf. They didn't trust me, and they trusted Peter, who really did betray them."

 _If they had known you the way I did, they would never have doubted you._ Severus stared down at the words, tempted to scratch them out, but he supposed he couldn't, since Lupin had seen him write something and would want to know what it was. _I thought Robert was in need of a little more backbone, but I knew he was incapable of being one of the Dark Lord's followers._

"Thank you for that." Remus smiled sadly, running his finger along the line of Severus' writing, as if he could absorb the faith it expressed through his skin and take comfort from it. "But they didn't know me the way you did, because after what happened at the Shack, I never opened up to them again, never let myself be vulnerable. It was a Catch-22, in a way; I couldn't trust them because I was afraid to be open, and they didn't trust me any more because I refused to be as open as I once had." He drew in a shuddering breath. "Then, when Sirius escaped, I didn't know what he was doing. I took my own steps to protect Harry, believe me on that. And I agonized over my decision to not tell Dumbledore that Sirius had been an Animagus. It was only one of my mistakes, though. I've lost track of how many ways I've gone wrong in my life, even when I thought I was doing the right thing. So when I found out Sirius really wasn't guilty, that Peter was the traitor, I was happy. I had agonized over how I had failed Sirius and if my distance had caused him to go over to Voldemort, rather in the same way I drove myself mad wondering if I'd contributed to what I thought was your defection. It was a relief to know there was one thing I hadn't messed up... although if I'd known how hurt you would be over it, I wouldn't have been quite so relieved."

Severus shrugged and turned his attention to his soup, giving himself a moment to quiet the rush of emotion he always felt at the thought of those dark days. After eating a few spoonfuls, he picked up his quill again.

_Even if my reactions had not been exacerbated by the curse, it would have been a blow. I had taken Robert's advice to heart, and between that and the attraction I felt, I was beginning to view you in a different light. Slowly, yes, but it was happening._

Remus sighed. "It figures. When I was finally making progress, fate rears its ugly head to snatch away what I was trying to achieve. I've often had reason to wonder if the 'curse' part of lycanthropy is actually something more than the transformation into a bloodthirsty monster every full moon. It certainly seems that every time something went right in my life, it's been taken away from me. Which I know sounds extremely self-pitying, doesn't it?"

Stirring his soup, Remus looked into the bowl without really seeing it. "I've beaten myself up a thousand times for all the ways I messed up on that particular occasion. If I'd kept my head enough to take the last dose of the bloody potion. If I'd simply told Dumbledore that Sirius was an Animagus. If I'd gone to you and told you my suspicions. I saw Peter on the Marauder's Map... if I'd not acted on the information by myself and gone for help instead... A thousand ifs, and it seems as though I made the wrong choice on every single one of them. Is it any wonder I question my luck?"

 _Not really, no_ , Severus wrote, giving Lupin a bland look. _It seems your problems stemmed from your inaction, just as mine stemmed from pride. I assume you have learned your lesson by now._ He paused, considering what he was about to say, but he supposed it needed to be put on the table. _If we are to build anything, even friendship, I must be able to respect you._

For several moments, Remus was silent, contemplating what Severus wrote. "I want you to respect me. I want to be able to respect myself," he said, lifting his eyes to Severus', not hiding his pain or self-doubt. "I want my son to be able to respect me, too. You're right, my inaction has caused my problems, which is why I'm trying not to be that passive man any longer, the one who reacts, rather than acts." Pushing a hand through his hair, Remus drew in a breath. "That's why I risked writing to you as Robert again, and why I asked you to come out with me tonight. I'm tired of being a pawn of fate. I want to decide my own destiny, make my own way. I won't say it seems at all easy, but I'm trying. I truly have learned my lesson. What I have yet to see is if I will end up any better off."

 _Look at it this way: you could not possibly be worse off_ , Severus pointed out pragmatically. _What you are doing is a start, at least. You must simply be certain not to backslide when or if things grow difficult._

"That will be the challenge," Remus acknowledged, one side of his mouth quirking upward. "You do have a way of cutting to the chase. Dare I hope that you'll clue me in if I seem to be faltering, rather than just giving up on me completely? Just as it took you time to change your mind about me, it might take some time for me to be able to change myself." He met Severus' eyes then, a hint of the wolf showing in his. "Although I must say I have a strong incentive to stay the course."

Severus lowered his gaze, feeling awkward and bashful once more at the glimpse of the wolf; he wasn't afraid of it despite his close encounter all those years before, and if anything, his fascination had grown over the years.

 _I will give you a push in the right direction when the need arises_ , he wrote at last.

"Thank you." Remus reached across the table, giving Severus' hand a squeeze. "Just knowing that helps quite a bit. I want to be worthy of you, Severus. Someday I hope that you'll respect me enough to want to be with me."

 _That would be_ , Severus wrote and then paused as he chose his next words carefully, a pleasant change. He paused again, debating whether to admit something he had thought about when Lupin mentioned being jealous of Regulus. _The truth is, I wanted to be with Robert likely as much as you wanted to be with Ellison, only I was afraid. I have never felt a connection with anyone, not even Regulus, like I felt with Robert. What Robert and Ellison had was the best thing that had ever happened to me, the one bright spot of my life, the one thing that gave me hope and kept me going. I have never been more devastated by losing anything as I was by losing Robert. Not Regulus, not Lily, not even my mother. If I could get back even a portion of that connection, I would want it, no matter what the cost._

The words Severus wrote made Remus want to melt. To know that some part of him meant that much to Severus warmed him to the depths of his soul, made him long to sweep Severus up in his arms and hold him and never let him go. They belonged together, the two of them separate halves of a whole that needed to be made one.

"I'll do whatever I can to give it to you," Remus said huskily. "I'm still Robert, just as you are still Ellison, and I can't help but hope that for once, things are working for us, rather than against us. We both survived, despite the odds. I want to believe it's a sign we should have faith and trust in one another."

Faith and trust - two of Severus' biggest weaknesses. Neither had ever come easily for him, but as little as he liked it, he knew he would have to extend a little of each if he wanted his Robert back - and he did. He knew he would never truly heal or feel complete as long as the place in his heart where Robert had once nestled remained empty.

 _Perhaps it is_ , he wrote at last. _I've never put much stock in Divination, as you well know. However, the fact remains that we are both still alive, and since I am sitting here, I suppose I must be willing to make the attempt._

"So it seems." There were many things in Remus' life that had caused him pain, but this was as pure a happiness as he'd felt in a very, very long time. He felt like singing and dancing, which would no doubt convince Severus that he'd gone completely round the bend, so he held himself in place by sheer force of will. 

Rosmerta waved a hand to him, her look questioning, and he nodded to her before looking at Severus again. "I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of asking Rosmerta to get us something for dessert. I knew that Pepper Imps were probably a bit much for your throat, but I hope this suits. As I recall, they were Ellison's second favorite."

Then Rosmerta was there, setting a plate of Ice Mice between them, before winking at Remus and moving silently away. Remus held his breath, hoping that Severus would appreciate the gesture, rather than thinking Remus incredibly juvenile for remembering the sweets Severus liked and had mentioned in his very first letter.

Severus stared at the plate, stunned into silence, and it was a moment before he recovered his composure enough to write a response.

 _I cannot believe you remembered._ He glanced up at Lupin, his expression incredulous, and shook his head. _They are still my second favorite._ He paused and added, _As I recall, you preferred chocolate._

Pleased with Severus' reaction, Remus laughed. "You're right, and I still do." He leaned closer to Severus again. "I remember almost everything Ellison ever said. The words are in my heart, every one of them precious to me. I still have the letters, too... even through all of the things that have happened, even when I was destitute, even when I'd lost all hope, I couldn't bear to part with them. Ellison was... is... my soul-mate. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and the one person in my life I've ever wanted to change for, the only one who's ever made me want to be more than I am, just so he'll be proud of me."

Severus looked away, a rush of heat flooding his face again. He had never thought anyone would want to change for his sake or seek his approval and respect, and he was once again at a loss for words.

 _I kept the letters, too_ , he admitted at last. _It has been a long time since I could bring myself to look at them, much less read them, but I have them nonetheless._

"It seems we still have a lot in common." Remus' voice was full of affection. "Oh, Severus... you don't know how much I long to just hold you close to reassure myself that you're really here, with me, after all this time. I keep hoping this isn't just a dream and I'm going to wake up to find myself alone again, in the worst time of my life and simply longing for you."

 _It is not a dream_ , Severus wrote, glancing sidelong at Remus a bit shyly. Part of him was tempted to give in and allow Remus to draw near and hold him, but he wasn't quite ready for that yet. _I could pinch you, if you like._

Remus chuckled in amusement, holding out his arm. "Go ahead. It's not as good as a hug, but I'll take what I can get."

Raising one eyebrow, Severus reached across the table and gave Remus' arm a hard pinch. _Are you convinced?_ , he wrote, passing the parchment to Remus with a smirk.

Wincing at the sharp pain, Remus nodded, but his eyes were still dancing. "Yes, Severus. Now you'd better eat those Ice Mice before they melt; otherwise you'll get a spanking."

Severus gave a disbelieving snort, but he reached for one of the Ice Mice nonetheless, savoring the familiar, comforting taste of a sweet he hadn't eaten in longer than he could remember. This evening hadn't turned out as he expected, but he was more pleased than he expected to be. Things were better, surprisingly enough, and he felt some of the hopelessness that had haunted him for so many years begin to dissipate a little at last. He wasn't an optimist by nature, but maybe... just maybe things would work out for him this time.

* * *

Severus sat with his legs crossed and his back straight on the thick blanket Remus had spread on the ground beneath the shade of a tree by the lake. A tentacle popped out of the water and waved at them, and Severus waved back; he had always liked the Giant Squid, oddly enough, perhaps because it was quiet and kept to itself. Nearby, Remus was unpacking a basket, spreading the seemingly endless array of food on the blanket; the picnic had been Remus' idea, a way to give them a break from their labor and enjoy the pleasant summer day. Severus couldn't remember ever going on a picnic before, but as long as they weren't overrun by insects, he had no objections to it.

It was a warm day, warmer than he'd expected, and he was obliged to remove his jacket, leaving him in his shirtsleeves; it left his bandages exposed, but there was no one to see but Remus, and he didn't feel quite as self-conscious about it as he might have otherwise. He had his writing tools with him, as well as a portable writing surface, thus he was prepared to uphold his end of the conversation.

Satisfied that the House Elves had provided all of Severus' favorite foods - fortunately the Hogwarts House Elves seemed to have a seemingly flawless memory for what every student and teacher who had ever been in the school particularly liked - Remus straightened from the basket. "Go ahead and help yourself. I've pumpkin juice, and also chilled wine, if you're allowed to have that yet. I forgot to ask before ordering the basket. And don't worry about ants; the blanket has a repelling charm on it to keep unpleasant visitors at bay."

Severus nodded his approval and reached for the bottle of wine and a glass; he poured himself a glass, deciding a little indulgence wouldn't hurt, and he held up the bottle, giving Remus a clearly questioning look.

"Yes, please." Remus smiled, taking a plate for himself and selecting an assortment of cut vegetables and bits of fruit to start. He moved to sit beside Severus, far enough away to respect Severus' personal space, but close enough to be able to see whatever Severus wrote to him without effort. Stretching his legs out in front of him, he looked around and gave a sigh of pleasure. "A jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou. I can't think of a better way to spend an afternoon. Especially as the weather is as perfect as I can remember."

 _At least it isn't raining_ , Severus agreed. He sipped his wine for a minute before retrieving a plate and selecting a few items he thought would be soft enough for his healing throat to manage. He glanced sidelong at Remus, covertly studying him, and he decided he liked what he saw. Remus' greying hair looked distinguished, and he had a sturdy build that appealed to Severus. A thought occurred to him, and he was curious enough to follow through with writing it out.

_Who does your son look like: you or her?_

"Yes, I'm glad it's sunny and clear," Remus replied to Severus' comment. Remus could feel Severus' eyes on him, and it pleased him to know that Severus was interested enough to look. Hopefully if he was still attracted to Remus, it would help move things between them along.

The question about his son, however, surprised Remus; Severus had shown no real curiosity about Teddy, although Remus wasn't certain whether it was due to a lack of interest or discomfort. But he smiled, pleased that Severus was asking. "It depends on when you look," he replied with a chuckle. "He's a metamorphmagus, too, but since he's an infant, he just seems to mimic whoever is holding him at the time. But when he's himself... he has my eyes, but I'd say everything else is more like Tonks. That could change as he gets older, I'm told."

Severus listened and nodded. _Hopefully, his eyes will not change._ He paused, nibbling on a morsel from his plate before continuing with his questions. He had been thinking about the possibilities, and he knew that becoming involved with Remus beyond friendship meant taking on the responsibility of Remus' son as well, and he was still uncertain about that. _Do you like being a father?_

Taking a sip from his glass, Remus mulled over the question. "Yes, I do," he replied slowly, looking down at the lake, his eyes dark and sad. "Not that I ever expected to be a father, given that not only am I gay, but I'd pretty much resigned myself to never having a lover, much less a family. To be completely honest, I was petrified when Tonks said she was pregnant. I had never felt so trapped in my life, so helpless in the face of things that I'd not had any control over. Added to that was the issue of my curse; sure, everyone _knows_ that lycanthropy isn't inherited, but what if the same fate which seemed determined to wreck my life decided to add my child in for good measure? I wanted to run away, to escape because I felt as though I was suffocating. Everyone was telling me I was so lucky, that I should be happy, but I wasn't, and they all must have thought I was mad." 

He paused for a moment. "Then Teddy was born, and I couldn't help but love him. It's not his fault, and I don't blame him at all for the circumstances of his conception or the fact that I simply could not love his mother. But... I don't know what I'm going to tell him as he gets older. I don't want to lie to him, but how could I ever tell him the truth?"

Severus considered this for a moment, thinking about how he might approach the situation if he were in Remus' shoes. _It would not be a lie to tell him he was conceived out of love. You simply needn't add the caveat that it was her love for you, not a mutual love_ , he pointed out matter-of-factly. _It would also not be a lie to tell him that you loved his mother, but she was not the love of your life. There is a middle ground between spinning a sugar-coated fairy tale and admitting the unvarnished truth. I suggest you take that path._

Ready the reply, Remus gave a somewhat shaky laugh. "And here I thought you were quite the fan of the unvarnished truth," he said. "I'm kidding, Severus, trying to find something of levity in a situation that is so far out of my experience, it makes me feel as though I'm floundering at sea. Your advice is good, really, but I can't say that I'm looking forward to having to dissemble and mislead him. But the alternative is to hurt him deeply, so I must. I never expected that parenthood could be fraught with moral dilemma; my parents just seemed to know what to do, and I've never missed them as much as I have the last few months."

 _At least you had decent role models_ , Severus replied, grimacing at the memory of his dysfunctional childhood. It was no mystery why he couldn't stand weak-willed people when he had to watch his mother cower from his drunken, abusive father, too terrified to stand up for herself or Severus and too terrified to leave. He glanced sidelong at Remus. _Are you certain you want to drag me into this?_

Remus turned to give Severus a searching look. "What do you mean? If you think I'm worried about your influence on Teddy, I'm not. You're a good person, Severus, and I would trust you with my child just as I'd trust you with my life. I know you had a much worse childhood than I did, but that means you know exactly what not to do." He hesitated, his expression turning pensive. "I have worried that you might not want to accept Teddy. One thing you and I never had any need to discuss was children."

 _I never planned to have children_ , Severus replied with a little shrug. _Being gay, I thought it was not really an option, and I have never felt the desire to procreate anyway. I have little experience with children, and I have never been particularly interested in them._ He paused, his own expression turning pensive as well. _To be honest, I am not certain I want to be a parent. I do not think I will be particularly good at it, and it is not a responsibility I want. I have dealt with students long enough to know that I am impatient and exacting and that children annoy me._

Remus went still, a sudden chasm yawning before him. Severus, or Teddy... how could he possibly choose between the two? He loved his son despite everything, but he'd longed for Severus for twenty years, gone through hell in losing him, and was still desperately afraid of losing him again. Severus _was_ the love of his life, and he couldn't say that if he was forced to choose between the two of them that he would be able to do it and remain sane. How could he not end up resenting whomever he chose, knowing what he'd lost in the process?

"I see." The words were flat and hollow, as Remus desperately tried to find a solution to this unexpected conflict. "I... I won't force you to accept him, of course. I wouldn't want to, because you'd resent him and he'd know it. And I'd know it." Raising a hand to his forehead, Remus rubbed it, feeling the brightness of the day suddenly dimming. "I don't know what to say."

Severus released an aggrieved sigh as he turned back to his parchment. _I told you that in the interest of being honest with no secrets. No, I am not thrilled that you have a child, and I am not going to lie to you or myself in pretending to be. However, I did not say I would not make an effort. If my choices are trying to accept a child or suffering another loss, I will at least try_ , he wrote, poking Remus' arm as he moved the parchment so Remus could see it.

The words made Remus feel a little better, and he nodded. "Thank you, Severus. I would appreciate the effort," he said turning to look at Severus again. "I have to admit to some amount of worry about it, because I don't want to lose you. I also feel guilt about Teddy, for not wanting him until he was born. I'm not proud of that, and I know I'm going to have to make an effort not to spoil him in trying to make up for my own shortcomings in fearing and resenting his very existence for so long."

 _It would be stupid of you to dwell on how you felt before he was born,_ Severus pointed out, nudging Remus again, harder this time. _The important thing is how you felt after he was born. You are hardly the first person to approach impending parenthood with fear and resentment, after all. If you hadn't moved past it after his birth, then you would have genuine grounds for guilt._ He stilled his quill and breathed out another sigh, this one quieter and more contemplative this time. _You are not the only one worried, but rest assured I would never ask you to choose._

"Thank you." Remus repeated the words of gratitude, his voice surer this time, and he even smiled somewhat ruefully. "Your practical advice is most welcome since I still feel as though I'm flailing at times in the parental department. I do try not to dwell, but I've not had anyone to talk to about how I really feel on the subject. Just like with my marriage, they all seem to think I should be ecstatic and never have any doubts." He lifted a hand, cupping Severus' cheek gently. "You've always been the only one who understood."

Severus' only response this time was to lift his gaze to meet Remus' steadily, and he allowed himself the luxury of leaning into the touch of Remus' warm fingers.

It seemed like Remus was drowning in Severus' dark eyes. Severus' skin was warm and silken against his palm, and Remus could smell Severus' distinctive, spicy scent wafting toward him, more enticing than chocolate. He found he was leaning closer to Severus, breathing in deeply as though he could fill his senses with the sight and scent and touch of Severus, and he knew he had to kiss Severus now or he might very well die.

Slowly he closed the distance, giving Severus the chance to pull away but silently praying he wouldn't. Then their lips met, Remus' full lips against Severus' thinner ones, but he felt they fit perfectly as he savored the warmth against his skin.

Perhaps they were moving too quickly, but then again, Severus thought perhaps twenty years of unrequited attraction and unresolved tension meant they weren't moving too quickly after all. Whatever the case, Severus didn't want to pull away; instead, he leaned in and parted his lips, giving in to impulse for once.

The silent invitation to deepen the kiss was a surprise, but a welcome one, and Remus gave a low growl of pleasure as he slid his hand around the back of Severus' neck, caressing his nape with gentle strokes of his fingers. He closed his eyes, letting the taste and scent of Severus fill him, exploring Severus' mouth slowly but thoroughly, wanting to learn how Severus liked to be kissed. His own experience in that area was practically non-existent, but he'd read plenty, and the reality of it with Severus was so natural, he didn't feel hesitant or self-conscious at all. 

The feel of Remus' fingers stroking his skin sent pleasurable little shivers down Severus' spine, Remus' leisurely exploration coaxing him to relax into the kiss; it had been far too long since anyone had kissed him, and he was terribly out of practice, but somehow, it didn't matter. This felt good and right, and he found himself responding to Remus instinctively, leaning closer and reaching out to touch Remus' cheek in return.

The slide of Severus' fingers on his skin made Remus moan, and he slid his free arm around Severus' waist, pulling him closer. He'd hungered for this for an eternity, and he savored every moment, holding nothing back, wanting Severus to feel the reality of his love and his longing. The wolf was there, rising up, urging him to take, but that would only push Severus further away. He'd promised to let Severus set the pace, and he took only what Severus offered, determined to prove that Severus could trust him to keep his word.

The need to breathe made Severus draw back at last, although he didn't pull away from the embrace, choosing instead to lean against Remus' side for a little while longer. It had been so long since he had been touched or held, and he was acutely aware of how touch-starved he was. Besides, it felt good being in Remus' arms; he felt as if he had found the place where he belonged at last, and he hoped he didn't have to give it up.

Remus tightened his arm when Severus remained where he was, giving a low hum of pleasure as Severus leaned against him. He pressed his lips to Severus' cheek, nuzzling his ear. "I love how you taste, how you smell... how you feel in my arms," he murmured. "It feels so right... it feels perfect."

Severus gave an embarrassed little wriggle, but he didn't pull away, and he gave a slight nod of agreement, not wanting to ruin the moment by moving away so he could write a response.

A chuckle escaped Remus, his warm breath puffing against Severus' skin. "I understood that, I think," he said, then growled against Severus' ear. "I could get used to this. Addicted, even."

The growl sent tingles shooting down Severus' spine, igniting his libido, but he mustered a little snort nonetheless, and he elbowed Remus, albeit not hard. He couldn't imagine himself being addictive, and if Remus was going to spout nonsense, Severus was going to express his disbelief in whatever manner available to him.

"Don't believe me?" Remus moved his head back so that he could look into Severus' eyes, his own gleaming with happiness and desire. "It's true. That one brief moment when you were pressed against me twenty years ago sealed my fate. I've never wanted anyone but you. But for the interference of fate, I had accepted that if I couldn't have you, I didn't want anyone. I suppose that's the one thing I've been strong-willed about my whole life. I won't settle for second best. You or no one."

Severus reached for his writing tools at last, unable to keep silent any longer. _I suppose if you are going to be strong-willed about something, that is as good a thing as any_ , he wrote. _It is a good start, at least. One I can approve of._

He still couldn't quite believe he had inspired such a level of devotion in anyone, but he wasn't inclined to argue; he simply hoped he could maintain whatever it was Remus had found worthy about him.

"I thought you might approve," Remus said, tightening his arm around Severus and keeping him close. It felt so natural to be sitting like this, Severus against him, the sun shining and a warm breeze caressing them. "I know the authorities on the subject are mixed, and I've never asked another werewolf about the whole 'mating for life' thing, but I can say in my case, it might be true." He nuzzled Severus' ear again. "If so, I think I picked well."

A little shiver wracked Severus at the nuzzling - he'd forgotten how sensitive his ears were - and he allowed himself to lean against Remus, even though it made writing awkward. _There are many who would disagree with you on that point. Even I might, to a certain extent. However, I am not going to begin caring what the general public thinks at this late stage of my life._

Remus chuckled at that. "I would be shocked if you did. And people are free to disagree with me, but I know myself, and I've known what I've wanted for twenty years. It's probably been the most constant thing in my life." He reached for his wine glass again, taking a sip and sighing in contentment. "Now, you should probably eat a bit more, since we do, eventually, need to get back to work, and I don't want you fainting with hunger and then snarking at me for keeping you from eating because I was entirely too soppy and cuddly. Not that we have to move much, if you're comfortable like this." His gave Severus a wickedly mischievous smile. "You could even feed me. Or I could feed you. Either way - I'm not terribly picky about who is on the giving or the receiving end. In many things."

Severus rolled his eyes and elbowed Remus again, harder this time. _Having you feed me or vice versa would be unbearably soppy and would make me feel like an invalid or an infant to boot._ He paused and glanced sidelong at Remus. _I am not so picky when it comes to 'other things' either._

"If you felt like an invalid or an infant, that would mean I wasn't feeding you the right way," Remus replied. He picked up a strawberry from his plate, bringing it to his lips and giving Severus a heated look as he bit into the crimson flesh, chewing and swallowing the bite. "And as far as other things, I am looking forward to learning all about them at your masterful hands. Somehow I wouldn't be surprised if your skill in making potions is matched by your skill in making other things boil and melt."

Severus' cheeks flushed pink, and he looked away again, as much embarrassed by Remus' words as disconcerted by what he was doing to the strawberry. _I wouldn't set my expectations too high if I were you_ , he wrote swiftly. _I have had only one lover, and that was nearly twenty years ago. I am not much more experienced than you, and I am definitely out of practice._

"Then it's up to me to inspire you," Remus replied, pleased that he'd managed to get a reaction to his nonsense. "Just the thought of being with you at all is enough to make me shiver with anticipation. I have no doubt that it will be wonderful, magical even, no matter what. All I care about is making you happy."

 _Then you are nauseatingly soppy and an idiot to boot_ , Severus retorted with a haughty lift of his chin. _But I suppose I will have to endure it._

Laughing, Remus nodded. "I suppose you will," he said. A plan began to form in his mind, and he smiled to himself; if Severus needed inspiration, perhaps Robert could provide it. Things were looking very promising, and it was time to do a little research in How to Seduce a Potions Master. 

Perhaps, if he was successful, he might even write a book.


	8. Chapter 8

_My Dearest Ellison,_

_I have enjoyed spending time with you during the last few days, and it has given me hope along with the pleasure of your company. I do believe we can overcome the events of the past and forge a new and better relationship._

_Of course, I've made no secret of the fact that I'd very much like that relationship to be physical as well as emotional, and I believe I've caught the hint that you feel it too, when the time is right. My lack of experience and your feelings that your own experience is lacking is something to be taken into consideration when the time comes, as I'm sure it will. But perhaps, in the meantime, I can offer you reassurance that I don't doubt a physical union between us will be as wonderful as a meeting of our minds and our hearts._

_Experience seems rather inconsequential, really, when I look at you and the very sight and scent of you can arouse me. The touch of your hand, the meeting of our lips in a kiss were as perfect as anything I've ever dreamed. And I have dreamed of you often, both in the past and far more recently, envisioning you in my mind, our naked bodies entwined, skin to skin. I may have no experience, but does that matter so much when I know I want to map every inch of your body with my hands and mouth, to learn every secret place that makes you sigh, or groan, or arch up as pleasure courses over you? I've imagined that so many times, finding those sensitive spots and stimulating them over and over until you are incoherent and writhing beneath me, desperate for the release only I can give you. I don't think I need have done it to anyone else before in order to be able to do it to you, when you inspire me to such a level that I ache for you._

_I want you to touch me, too. I want to know what it feels like to have your gorgeous hands on me, learning my body as thoroughly as I will learn yours. I have no vanity about my body, which bears the scars of my life, but I hope you will want to explore it, to touch me in ways no one has ever touched me before. I long for that; for you to be the first to show me the pleasures of the flesh, to drive me to the edge of madness with the want of you. How long it has been since you touched another doesn't matter, for this will be the first time you have touched me, and we will learn together what it is that can send me over the edge, completely at your mercy._

_When at last we are joined, I know it will be glorious. I have pictured us both ways, and either is equally as arousing to me. There is nothing I would deny you; no pleasure, no touch, no completion you could desire that I wouldn't endeavor to give you. I am your willing and devoted pupil in this, and if it pleases you to bind me, I am only too happy to allow it._

_As you must know, I want you not only with the human part of me, but with the darker part of my nature as well. If you desire to explore that, then I do, too, and if you prefer for me to keep it in check, I will be most diligent in doing so. I want you to want me in all ways, but I would not force anything on you against your will._

_I ache for you, my Ellison. Burn for you in ways I have burned for no other. If the perfection of our joining can be predicted by the amount of desire I feel in the contemplation of it, then there is nothing in heaven or on earth that can hope to compare._

_All my love,  
Robert_

* * *

Severus was surprised to receive a letter addressed to "Ellison"; he hadn't expected the letters to continue now they were talking face-to-face and no longer needed the distance or anonymity of their previous correspondence. He was even more surprised when he opened the letter and read the contents. He felt heat stinging his cheeks, and his eyes widened as he read; he'd never received a letter like this before, and he was amazed at how quickly he was aroused by the erotic images the words brought to mind.

He wasn't certain how to respond, and he doubted he could match Remus' efforts, but he went to his desk to compose a reply nonetheless.

_Dear Robert,_

_It is not easy for me to speak of such things, even in writing. Suffice to say, I found your letter quite evocative and pleasing, and I share your sentiments. I am not concerned about your lack of experience; affection and genuine desire are far better than any amount of skill. I must admit, too, that it gives me a certain amount of possessive pleasure to know I will be your first and ostensibly your only male lover. I suppose in that respect, at least, I have not risen above my primitive 'lizard brain's' urgings._

_For the record, I am not afraid of your darker half, and there is no need for you to keep it in check for my sake. Despite the experience in the Shrieking Shack, I do not fear that part of you; perhaps I should, like any rational person would, but I am too fascinated by it. Darkness has always drawn me, as you know._

_I will also confess that I desired Robert even before I had a face to put to the name. During those long years after the first war, your letters were the only true companionship I had, and I often indulged in fantasies myself. I find myself thinking more and more of late about the possibility of bringing those fantasies to life._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

* * *

Remus was pleased when Severus responded quickly. It was still early, and so he decided to make a reply, glad that Severus seemed to have found his letter stimulating.

_My Gorgeous, Desirable Ellison,_

_I'm sure you are aware that I was most happy with your reply to my letter, as well as the very promising thought that you are thinking there is a consummation devoutly to be wished. I'm pleased you desired me before knowing who I was, and even more pleased that the reality of my physical form hasn't put paid to those desires. As far as my darker half, that makes me happiest of all, I think. To know you are drawn to that part of me as well gives me a joy no one else could possibly give me. I am the sum of my parts, after all, and to be accepted as a whole person, light and dark, man and wolf, is something I have rarely experienced. For that acceptance to come from you is the best gift I could ever be given._

_So, you indulged in fantasies about me? I'd love to hear what they were, if at some point you are comfortable enough to share. If it is not easy for you to do so, that's quite all right, as I don't want you to feel pressured or pushed beyond what you are able to accept. I don't want you uneasy with me, but be aware you truly can tell me anything. That's the beauty of this medium, especially given your lack of a voice. Sometimes I fear that I must seem like I'm babbling in the face of your enforced silence, but I comfort myself with the knowledge that if it disturbs you, you'll make certain I shut up._

_I point out, simply as a courtesy, that occupying my mouth in another fashion is a most effective impediment to my blathering._

_So that you don't feel I am asking you to share something I am not willing to share myself, I'll tell you of one of my fantasies. As you are the one who introduced me to science fiction and to my namesake in particular, I will say I often thought how arousing it would be for you to be captain of a spaceship, with me as you staunch and loyal first mate. Of course, I would do my duty by you most willingly and diligently, in every way you desired. To be in the service of my captain, fulfilling his every wish would be heaven. All those long, lonely vigils in the dark of space, with only the two of us for millions of miles around and all the time in the world. I remember thinking we would come up with all kinds of interesting things to occupy our time. Perhaps you would make me swab the deck on my hands and knees, my skin bare to your sight. I'd know you were watching me, your eyes intent on my body, your hunger growing as I look at you coyly over my shoulder. At last you would be unable to resist temptation and would take me there on the slick, wet deck, our bodies sliding, your flesh hot against me. We would satisfy each other in every way, then collapse to the deck, exhausted, resting for a bit before you again ordered me to clean up the mess we'd made._

_Of course, this is only one fantasy among many. I hope you don't mind me sharing it with you._

_Yours in sweet dreams,  
Robert_

* * *

_Dear Robert,_

_How the hell do you expect me to sleep after that?_

Severus glared down at the parchment, as if it were personally responsible for the fact that he was too wound up to sleep after reading Remus' last letter. The problem was that he could envision the scene Remus had evoked all too well, and it made him want to re-enact it then and there. The only things stopping him were the fact that he didn't want to rush into having sex too soon - although a voice in the back of his head argued strenuously that twenty years of waiting didn't constitute 'too soon' - and the fact that they still had not settled the question of whether he would be willing and able to shoulder the burden of a child.

But if his mind still had reservations, his body was quite willing to forge ahead, and he found himself unbearably stirred by the images within the letter.

_When you mentioned casting me as the captain of a spaceship, I half expected a scenario involving Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock, but I suppose sex once every seven years is too great a gap. I like your idea better anyway._

_At any rate, yes, I do accept both man and wolf. You have always been accepting of me, even when I walked a far darker path myself, and perhaps it is that darkness within me that is drawn to the darkness in you. Like calling to like, so to speak. Whatever it is, rest assured I am not put off by the wolf making its presence known, in or out of bed._

_I hope you will forgive me if I am not quite ready to share any of my own fantasies. Perhaps soon, but not yet. I am pleased that you shared one of yours, however; it will make things easier for me when the time comes._

_Sincerely,  
Ellison_

_PS: Your suggestion for ending blather is duly noted and may well be put to use._

* * *

Remus was a nervous as he could ever remember being in his life, and even the fact that Teddy was in a particularly good mood didn't make him any less jittery.

The cottage was clean, and Teddy had been fed, changed, bathed, napped and kept as calm as Remus could keep him, so that he'd be at his best when Severus arrived. So much seemed to hinge on how Severus and Teddy got along, and Remus didn't like feeling so helpless, his fate possibly resting in the hands of a three-month-old. 

He'd warned Severus not to expect too much. Teddy could smile and laugh, and he could bat at a toy held out to him or take it and stuff it in his mouth, but that was about the extent of his abilities at the moment. He'd been trying to roll over but hadn't quite managed the feat as yet, although Remus thought it might be any day now. Not that he could expect Severus to share his excited combination of anticipation and dread at the occurrence; frankly, he'd be happy if Severus ended up neutral about the baby by the end of the visit, rather than reacting negatively due to being spat up upon, excreted upon, or, horror of horrors, both.

The exchange of naughty letters had been fun, and Remus hoped the bit of bonding they'd done over the sharing of Remus' fantasy would help Severus feel their relationship was worth putting up with an infant. He'd not written for that purpose, of course; he'd wanted to share his thoughts on the physical side of their relationship and perhaps help stimulate more progress in that direction, but if it helped in other ways, that was all to the good. He'd take any good luck he could get to help them get through this introduction.

"Be a good boy, _please_ ," Remus said to his son, who was cradled against his shoulder and looking around at things with wide eyes. Severus would arrive at any moment, and Remus hoped it was sooner rather than later, so that Teddy wouldn't just fall asleep and Severus could actually get to know him a bit.

Teddy, chewing on his fingers, chuckled in Remus' ear, and Remus hoped that was a good sign. Or at least not a bad one.

Severus was not a dawdler by nature, but he dawdled over getting ready for his visit to Remus' cottage. It was his first time visiting Remus' home, and it was his first time meeting Remus' son, and he knew a great deal was riding on this particular encounter. He didn't think it was overly dramatic to say the future of their relationship was at stake, and so he was dawdling, torn between wanting to get it over with and not wanting to go at all.

At last, he forced himself to leave before he ended up being late, and he arrived on Remus' doorstep on time, albeit with a knotted stomach and sweaty palms, and he knocked firmly to announce his presence.

When the knock came at last, Remus gave the briefest thought to ignoring it, to hoping it wasn't Severus and that this wasn't about to happen. But he suppressed the impulse, crossing to the door and opening it, then giving Severus a smile of welcome that was only a little bit pensive.

"Hello, Severus," he said, unable to keep the soft warmth out of his voice, even if he'd wanted to try, which he didn't. "Please, come in." He stepped back from the door so that Severus could enter.

Severus looked around as he entered the cottage, noting that it wasn't as shabby as he expected it to be; it was hardly a palace, but it looked comfortable and inviting, and the furniture was in good repair. It had a distinctly masculine feel as well, and he could discern no trace of Tonks' influence, which gave him some small measure of satisfaction.

He nodded a greeting to Remus and moved to stand in the center of the small sitting room, regarding Remus with a questioning look that was tinged with apprehension.

Remus offered as reassuring a smile as he could, then moved Teddy down off of his shoulder, cradling the baby in the crook of his arm so that he and Severus could get a look at each other. "Severus, this is Theodore Remus Lupin. Teddy, this is Severus Snape. You and he are the most important people in Daddy's life, and I'd like it if you liked each other."

Teddy looked at Severus with surprising seriousness in his blue-green eyes. His fingers were still in his mouth, but then he suddenly smiled around them, his eyes turning dark like Severus', and the hair on his head deepening from brown to raven-wing black.

Relieved, Remus chuckled. "He likes you."

Severus' eyebrows climbed as he watched the infant's hair and eyes change color, although he wasn't as quick to accept it as a sign of approval as Remus; it could have been an instinctive reaction to new visual stimulus. Still, at least the child hadn't begun wailing at the mere sight of him, so that, at least, was a good start. He glanced at Remus with a clear "what now?" expression.

"You can touch him, if you'd like," Remus said, lifting up Teddy's hand, the one that wasn't firmly between his gums. "He's not quite as fragile as he looks, although I can understand if you don't accept that yet. It took me a while to believe he wasn't going to shatter every time I laid a finger on him."

Severus gave a little snort at that, although he did understand the sentiment; babies were such small creatures, and it was difficult to believe they weren't as fragile as glass as well. He did reach out and touch Teddy's hand, finding the skin surprisingly soft.

Reflexively, Teddy wrapped his hand around Severus' finger, holding it in a strong grasp. Then he gave a gurgling laugh, kicking his little feet in their footed pajamas gleefully, apparently quite amused by what he perceived as Severus' game. He began to pull Severus' finger toward his mouth, obviously interested in tasting this new toy.

Severus was surprised by the strength of Teddy's grip; he hadn't expected such a tiny hand to be so strong, and he found the sight of his finger encircled by an infant's hand oddly fascinating. It was not a sight he'd ever expected to see, after all. He allowed his finger to be gummed, intrigued despite himself by the sight of Teddy's amusement at such a simple thing as discovering a new person's finger. He supposed, however, that life was one discovery after another for children and the world was a large and wondrous place indeed.

"Oh, he definitely likes you," Remus said, his heart melting at the sight of Severus, who could be as prickly as a hedgehog when he was irritated, allowing his tiny son to chew on his finger as though it were a toy. He grinned. "Of course, I like how you taste, too, so it must be an inherited trait."

Severus glanced up and gave Remus A Look, one that snarked more eloquently than words, before turning his attention back to Teddy. He hadn't known what to expect, but he supposed things could have turned out a great deal worse for a first meeting. He knew infants were prone to making a great deal of noise and excreting vile substances, and if he agreed to take on this responsibility, the noise and excretions would come with it. Not to mention all the other things that went along with having children underfoot. His neat, quiet, orderly life would likely be over or at least put on hold for the next eleven years, until Teddy was old enough to attend Hogwarts.

Would gaining Remus be worth the wailing, dirty nappies, toys strewn everywhere, sniffling, late night demands for water, and all the rest? Their time would not truly be their own, and their needs - and desires! - would take second place to Teddy's.

The alternative was attempting to remain friends with Remus, which he doubted was even possible at this point; there was too much history, too much charged emotion between them for them to be friends, if it was even possible for them to move backwards. They had kissed and admitted their mutual desire, and Remus had even shared a sexual fantasy. How could they forget all that?

No, it would have to be all or nothing between them. There could be no regressing, no middle ground. Either Severus accepted the responsibility or it was over.

He thought about what his life would be like without Remus. It would be quiet, certainly, but not in a good way. It would be worse than the years following Remus' rejection, in a way, because he would know what he could have had and what he was missing. He didn't particularly want to give up his life to help raise a child that wasn't even his own, but he didn't want to give up Remus either, and he certainly didn't want to go back to the barren, miserable existence he'd endured for so long. If there was one thing his life had taught him, it was that there was always a price to be paid for what he wanted, always a sacrifice to be made, and in this case, at least the reward would be worth the cost.

At last, he stopped dithering and made his decision, and he extricated his finger gently from Teddy's grip. Then he looked at Remus and held out in his hands in a silent request to take Teddy.

Surprised didn't begin to describe Remus' reaction to Severus holding out his arms in what was obviously a request, but neither did he hesitate to pass the baby over. He knew Severus wouldn't drop Teddy; he was more worried that Teddy would spit up or do something else that would disgust Severus, or even start wailing. But he didn't. Teddy went to Severus with every appearance of pleasure, watching Severus' face with something that looked close to fascination.

Severus returned the regard with equal interest; Teddy felt heavier and more solid than he expected, and while the sky didn't open up and send down golden beams that magically unlocked a latent parenting instinct within him, he did realize he had an opportunity to influence one of the next generation. He had doubts about his ability to overcome his own horrific childhood, but as Remus had said, at least he knew what not to do, even if he had no idea what he _should_ do.

Moving to Severus' side, Remus put an arm around Severus' waist and rested his chin on Severus' shoulder so that he could look down at Teddy. The baby yawned, then popped his chubby fist into his mouth, his eyes sliding closed. "Well, he certainly seemed comfortable with you," Remus said softly, touched by the way Teddy seemed so trusting of Severus, enough to relax and drift off to sleep. "He doesn't like everyone, you know. He isn't fond of Molly Weasley for some reason, which I think she feels is a mortal insult, given how many babies she's had. It could be my fault, though, I suppose. I've not been comfortable around Molly since she started throwing Tonks at me and telling me how happy and grateful I should be that a young woman would want a man like me."

Severus huffed indignantly at that and scowled, displeased on Remus' behalf. If he had his voice, he would have had Things To Say about that, but for now, his expression made it quite clear he thought Molly Weasley was full of shit. Turning his head, he brushed Remus' cheek briefly with his nose, not quite a nuzzle, but close, and his opinion of Teddy rose a little. Anyone who didn't like Molly Weasley was quite sensible and discerning in Severus' opinion, even if they were only three months old.

Remus chuckled. He could well imagine what Severus would have said, and he gave a little hum of pleasure at Severus' affectionate gesture as he tightened his arm slightly, showing his appreciation of Severus' support. "Do you want me to take him? He's probably out for at least an hour. If you want to keep holding him, that's fine, too, but you might want to have a seat so that your legs don't give out. He gets surprisingly heavy after a bit. Either way, though, I'll make tea, and I've some biscuits to go with it."

Severus nodded and offered to hand over the sleeping infant. Things had gone well so far, and he didn't want to push his luck, and he desperately needed some tea to fortify himself after the stress of the day.

Taking Teddy deftly from Severus' arms, Remus moved to a cradle that was by the sofa, placing his son in it and covering the baby with a blue blanket. Satisfied that Teddy was comfortable, Remus straightened, giving Severus a soft smile. "I'll be right back. Sit down wherever you think you'll be comfortable, and I'll be right back. And Severus? That was beautiful to see. Thank you."

Severus rolled his eyes and made a disparaging noise, but secretly, he was pleased that Remus thought things had gone well and that he had made Remus happy. He was no less doubtful, but he thought he had made the right decision, one he could live with, and he was accustomed to dealing with the bitter that always came with the sweet in his life. Taking a seat on the sofa, he stretched his legs out in front of him with a soft sigh and waited for Remus to return.

It took only a few moments for Remus to draw his wand, tapping the teapot he'd set out before Severus' arrival, heating the water to boiling. Sugar, cups, and a plate of biscuits were already assembled on a tray, and once Remus added the pot, he picked up the whole thing and carried it back to the parlor. He sat it on the low table in front of the sofa, then poured out the tea, offering a cup to Severus, smiling fondly at him. "Here you are; you look like you could use it."

Severus nodded fervently as he accepted the cup and took a bracing sip, letting the steaming beverage soothe him.

Remus moved to sit beside Severus before taking up his own cup and adding two spoonfuls of sugar and stirring it in. Then he sat back against the cushions, giving a happy sigh as he sipped his own drink. "I feel as though a hurdle has been successfully overcome," he said, turning to look at Severus. "I was panicking that he'd act up, and you'd be absolutely repulsed, but my fears were groundless. Thank Merlin; I don't know if my heart can stand that much fretting again."

Severus drew his wand and wrote, _Next time, he will vomit on me, and his diaper will leak._ He gave Remus a sardonically amused look even as he shifted closer.

Chuckling, Remus rested his arm along the back of the sofa, letting it rest lightly on Severus' shoulders. "Quite likely," he said, wrinkling his nose in amusement. "But at that point, it won't make me want to sink through the floor. Although I will do my best to keep it for occurring. Trust me, with my sense of smell, having an infant can be a trial in ways that no other parent can possibly imagine."

Severus snorted and pushed himself beneath Remus' arm, nestling against his side. _No doubt_ , he wrote, giving Remus a dry look.

Since Severus seemed amenable to cuddling a bit, Remus settled his arm more firmly around Severus, his hand rubbing the top of Severus' arm affectionately. "You should be pleased with your success. It seems that both the Lupin men are putty in your hands." Turning slightly more serious, he captured Severus' eyes. "I know there will be ups and downs, of course. I don't have any illusions about how difficult it is to raise a child, especially without a mother. I'm fortunate that Andromeda is sharing the duties with me; she has nothing but time on her hands now that her husband and daughter are gone, and she's been wonderful. It may seem odd to some, but it works for us. We both see Teddy every day, but he stays the night with her a few times every week. Well have to see how that works as he gets older, but for now, it means I get at least some rest and free time, and she has something to occupy hers."

The news that Remus shared responsibilities with Andromeda Tonks was welcome news indeed to Severus. He wasn't at all certain how well he could cope with being thrown head-first into life with an infant all day, every day. With a quiet sigh of relief, he nodded and relaxed against Remus.

 _It sounds like an ideal arrangement for both of you._ He paused and glanced shyly at Remus before adding, _And for us._

Turning his head, Remus nuzzled Severus' cheek. "I've considered that aspect of it as well," he replied, then gave a low growl, testing Severus' claim to not minding the darker side of Remus' soul. "And it does help; I wouldn't have had time to pursue you in the first place without Andromeda's help with Teddy, nor do I know if I would have felt comfortable doing it, knowing how much time I would have to dedicate to being a full-time father. But I do hope that knowing you won't have to share me at all times with Teddy makes you feel a bit better."

Severus shivered pleasurably at the growl, his toes curling a little in response. _It does, yes. After 20 years, I am selfish enough to want time with you all to myself_ , he wrote, shifting so he could rest his head on Remus' shoulder.

"And I want time with you all to myself." Remus tightened his arm, rubbing his cheek against the top of Severus' head and enjoying the quiet comfort of the moment. It seemed that they had reached an understanding about Teddy, and that was a huge relief to him, settling his mind and his barely-acknowledged fear that somehow he couldn't have both Severus and Teddy in his life. "It seems things are finally working out the way I want them to, for the first time I can remember." He chuckled. "I'm almost afraid that something is going to go horribly wrong, as it so often has. But I'm not going to dwell on it; I'd quickly drive myself and you crazy, I'm sure, by always looking over my shoulder and waiting for doom to find me."

 _That is my job_, Severus retorted, lifting his head to give Remus a mild disapproving frown.

"What, looking over my shoulder, or driving me crazy?" Remus asked, pressing a kiss to the top of Severus' head.

 _Waiting for doom_ , Severus replied, resting his free hand lightly on Remus' thigh. _I am the nay-saying pessimist here, although I may expand into driving you crazy as well._

The warmth of Severus' hand seemed to sear Remus even through the fabric of his trousers, and he drew in a breath as his body tightened in reaction. "I'd say you're doing a good job of driving me crazy already," he replied, his voice somewhat breathless. "But in a good way, I must say... a way I like. Very much."

Severus' thin lips curved in a self-satisfied smirk, and he squeezed Remus' thigh lightly. _Good._

Remus made a strangled sound, placing his free hand over Severus', holding it in place. He turned his head, looking at Severus with the wolf rising in his eyes. "Be careful, though," he said, baring his teeth in a wolfish smile. "I do bite."

 _Good_ , Severus repeated, more emphatically this time, and he twined his fingers with Remus', squeezing tightly. _Do you think I, of all people, would balk at a little pain mixed with my pleasure?_ , he asked, raising one haughty eyebrow.

That made Remus' eyes flash, and he tightened his grip on Severus' hand in return. "Oh, really?" he asked, his smile becoming predatory. "I think I might like it, too. At the very least, I'm willing to experiment, especially since you tying me up has been one of my favorite recurring fantasies."

 _Oh, really._ Severus' eyebrows climbed as he lifted his head and regarded Remus with mingled surprise and heat. _I am not entirely inexperienced with such games, on the giving and receiving end. I enjoy them quite a bit._ His expression turned casually innocent. _Would you care to tell me about one such fantasy?_

Severus' words were like gasoline poured on the flames of Remus' desire, and the heat in Severus' eyes made Remus lick his lips, as though he could taste Severus' arousal. "Is that so?" he asked, a rough, growling undertone to his voice. "I'll share, then, but I will expect a reward afterward."

 _What sort of reward?_ Severus asked, intrigued, although he then gave Remus a stern look. _Bear in mind I am not going to indulge in shagging you for the first time with your son within sight._

Giving a husky chuckle, Remus shook his head. "A kiss," he replied. "I'd prefer the shagging to be uninterrupted, too."

Severus nodded. _Tell me your fantasy, then, and I will give you a kiss_ , he promised.

"All right." Remus gave Severus' hand another squeeze. "In this fantasy, I'm back at Hogwarts, teaching, before we had our... misunderstanding. You come to my office one day, bringing the Wolfsbane Potion, and you tell me that you want something in return. Intrigued, I ask what, and you smile in that way you do, wicked and enticing, as though you know something everyone else doesn't. Then you draw your wand, stepping closer to me, running the tip of it down my chest."

"'I want you,' you say. 'But I want you bound, tied up, and at my mercy.'

"I gasp, but you are already casting the spell, magical ropes binding my arms and legs to my desk. I'm bent back over it, watching you, a bit frightened but even more aroused by your demands. Then you banish my clothing, leaving me totally exposed to your sight.

"'You want me, don't you, wolf?' you ask, and I can only stammer a response. That doesn't seem to bother you, though; you banish your clothes as well, then move closer, stalking me, teasing me, before claiming me roughly, leaning over me and biting me on the throat, telling me I'm yours, your wolf, your toy to play with as you wish, whenever you wish. That sends me over the edge, and I agree that you're right, I'm yours, forever.

"That was what you wanted to hear; you shatter, calling out my name, praising me for giving you exactly what you want."

Remus was breathing hard by the time he finished, but he smiled ferally. "Does that deserve a reward?"

Severus' eyes grew wider and wider as he listened, and he could feel his heartbeat quicken in his chest. He swallowed hard and nodded, aroused more than he expected by the images Remus' words had evoked. Without hesitation, he leaned close and brushed his lips against Remus', lightly at first.

Remus leaned into the kiss, tightening his arm around Severus' shoulders and pulling Severus closer. "Is that all I deserve?" he asked against Severus' lips.

Smirking, Severus shook his head and returned for a deeper kiss, tossing his wand aside in favor of winding his arms around Remus; he coaxed Remus' lips apart and slipped his tongue between them, tasting and exploring at his leisure.

Growling, Remus wound his arms around Severus in return, eagerly parting his lips and giving himself over completely to Severus' desires. Severus' taking control of he kiss nearly made him wild, and he wished they were in his bed, skin to skin as in his fantasy so that he could offer himself up to Severus in every way.

Slowly, Severus drew back and nipped roughly at Remus' bottom lip, and he cupped Remus' cheek in his palm, gazing at Remus with a warmth in his dark eyes that spoke volumes.

The feel of Severus' teeth, the slight edge of pain to the pleasure of the kiss was perfect, and Remus gazed back, feeling as though he were drowning in the heated darkness of Severus' eyes. "I want you so much," he said hoarsely, then leaned his forehead against Severus'. "You really are going to drive me crazy, aren't you? By the time you take pity on me and put me out of my misery, I'm going to be a gibbering pile of goo and completely useless."

Severus smirked and nodded smugly. Of course, he was going to be a mess if they had to wait much longer, too, but the fact that he had such an impact on Remus was gratifying. He liked knowing that Remus desired him so much, liked knowing that he was the one who could make the wolf rise up.

"You're an evil, wicked, absolutely maddening man, and I love you to distraction," Remus said, laughing at Severus' smugness. "So what do we do now? Have polite conversation about work? I'd insist that you share a fantasy of yours with me, but I'm worried that the strain without any release might very well kill me."

Reaching for his wand again, Severus drew back just enough to let him move his arm to write. _Have you read any good books lately?_ he asked with a faux innocent look.

Shaking his head, Remus sighed and leaned back against the sofa, letting his head fall against the back. He chuckled; Severus really was evil, and no doubt Remus was going to be taking an awful lot of cold showers in the next few days, or weeks, or however long it was until Severus was ready. Remus would wait, of course, because he'd said he would let Severus go at his own pace, but at this rate, Remus might died of longing. Turning his head, he looked at Severus, smiling softly.

All in all, though, if he had to die of wanting Severus, it wasn't such a bad way to go.


	9. Chapter 9

"Remus, may I speak to you for a moment?"

Remus turned at the sound of Minerva's voice, lowering his wand and nodding to her with a smile. The repairs to the school were nearing completion, and he was glad, though also wistful. It had been good, being in the school, being near Severus, doing something that was useful and not as stressful as fighting a war. The last few weeks had been among the happiest of his life, the slow courtship between he and Severus going better than he could have hoped. Once the subject of Teddy had been addressed, it seemed that most of Severus' concerns had been settled, and now it was just waiting for whenever Severus reached the level of trust and comfort he sought in order to move their relationship forward. Remus didn't push, satisfied with the cuddling and kisses and familiarity Severus permitted; he'd lived without sex for almost forty years, and even though he desired Severus greatly, he wasn't about to let his libido risk everything he'd worked so hard to achieve.

"What can I do for you, Minerva?" he asked, tucking his wand into his pocket and brushing off his hands. He'd finally finished the last repairs on the ceiling of the Great Hall, and hopefully they would soon be able to reactivate the magic which gave it the illusion of the out-of-doors.

The Headmistress smiled in return. "I'm hoping that you can do a great deal for me... and for the students of the school. More, even, than restoring the building." She paused, lifting a brow. "Would you be willing to return to teaching? Defense, of course... and even though I suspect I know your answer, I have to formally ask."

"Really?" Remus felt a surge of happiness, tinged more than a little with moral victory. He'd not been sure that the attitude about werewolves would mean that he even could return to teaching, much less that Minerva would want to risk having him on the staff again. But it seemed that one of his deeply cherished wishes - well, one that _didn't_ involve Severus - was coming true. "Yes! I'd love to!" Unable to restrain his joy, Remus moved forward and hugged Minerva. "Thank you, thank you so much. You've always believed in me, and you don't know how much that means."

Minerva chuckled and patted his back, then pulled back and straightened her robes. "Well then, that's settled. You'll get an owl with the contract in the next few weeks. It'll be good to have you back, Remus. The students were always fond of you, and there is no doubt you're one of the few who actually have a knack for the profession."

"Thank you," Remus said, flushing a bit with pleasure. "I'm finished here. Do you mind if I head home for the day? I'd like to tell Severus. He... well..."

"I have eyes in my head, Remus Lupin," Minerva replied tartly, although her blue eyes held amusement. "Go on, then, and tell him. I'm sure he'll be interested in your information."

Remus laughed, giving her another brief hug, then bid her a quick goodbye before heading out of the room. He wanted to go home, and take a shower, and then take a side trip in Diagon Alley before meeting Severus for dinner. He'd been looking through some magical catalogues, and he had seen a magic item which might be of interest to Severus. Now that he had a job, he wanted to give Severus a gift, something to replace what Severus had lost. It wouldn't be the real thing, but hopefully it would do.

* * *

Severus read the letter he'd received, one bearing a Ministry seal, and re-read it, wanting to make certain he'd read the proper words and that it wasn't a notice that he was to be taken to Azkaban immediately. But a second and even third reading assured him that the letter offered hope rather than doom; Shacklebolt had recommended him for a position in the potions research division of Magical Development with a decent salary, normal hours, and best of all, _no students_. Accepting the offer would allow him to resign, although McGonagall had already got him to accept the potions position, which he hadn't wanted to do, but he needed a job, and he hadn't thought he would be able to find anything worthwhile elsewhere. He had already resigned himself to decades of misery as he attempted to teach year after year of uninterested students, but this... this would set him free!

He went to his desk and swiftly wrote two letters: an acceptance letter to Shacklebolt and a resignation letter to McGonagall. By the time he finished, he had just enough time to clean up and change clothes before he was to meet Remus for dinner at the Leaky Cauldron. His thoughts were occupied with plans for selling his house at Spinner's End and finding someplace better to live before he had to move out of Hogwarts, but he wasn't so preoccupied that he forgot he had something for Remus. He snagged it and slipped it into his pocket before heading out the door, and he arrived at the pub precisely on time.

Remus was grinning happily as he entered the pub, and he spotted Severus at once at a table. He crossed the room, his eyes alight with happiness, and paused to brush his lips to Severus' cheek before sliding into the seat across from him. "I hope you had a good day," he said, reaching out to put one hand over one of Severus'. "Mine was fantastic."

Severus had already arranged the writing tools he always carried with him now neatly on the table, and he picked up the quill with his free hand to pen a response. _My day was quite good as well. What happened to make yours so fantastic?_ he asked, raising a questioning eyebrow.

"Good!" Remus said, pleased that Severus was apparently in a good mood, too. "Two things happened. First, Minerva offered me a job, teaching Defense again at Hogwarts. I hardly dared hope that I'd be able to return to teaching. I know you never liked it and were basically forced into it, but I really enjoyed it."

Severus was amused by the irony of Remus taking a teaching position on the same day that Severus gave one up, and his thin lips twitched in a slight smile. _It suited you_ , he wrote, giving Remus a nod of approval. _At least you will be able to remain as long as you please this time. What is the second thing?_

Remus chuckled. "The second thing is a gift for you, something that I hope will make your life a bit easier," he replied. It had been a thrill to find just what he wanted, and he pulled a small, green box out of his pocket, then slid it across the table. "I can't give you back what you have lost, but perhaps this will help until such a time as what is yours is rightfully restored."

Severus gave him a questioning look, both eyebrows climbing, but he accepted the box and unwrapped it with finicky care. Opening the box, he found an amulet set with blue chalcedony almost the color of Remus' eyes, and the merest touch told him this was not merely a decorative piece. He looked up at Remus again, waiting for an explanation.

"Blue chalcedony is a stone sympathetic with the voice," Remus said, his eyes dancing. "This one has a charm on it that will allow the wearer to touch the stone and it will voice his thoughts. Don't worry, it won't activate unless you specifically trigger it, so you won't go around shouting your every thought for the world to hear. I thought perhaps it would be easier for you than writing. And there are some things that just need to be said aloud."

Severus wasted no time in looping the necklace around his neck, and he touched the stone lightly with his fingertips. "Such as 'thank you'," he said, amazed that he could communicate aloud again. The artificial voice was male and deep, although it lacked inflection. That was of little consequence as far as Severus was concerned; he was tired of writing, and this gift pleased him very much indeed.

"You're welcome," Remus replied. It was a delight to hear Severus "speak" again, even if the voice wasn't as beautiful as Severus' own, and he grinned teasingly. "This way you can call for me, as well, or chew me out if you want to. Not to mention that written snark just can't be as satisfying as saying it out loud." 

"No, not quite," Severus agreed. He removed his fingers from the stone so his thoughts wouldn't spoil the surprise, and it was only when he cleared his mind that he touched the stone again. "I have news, and I have a gift for you, too. Which would you like first?"

Remus raised a brow, surprised. "How about the news?" he said, leaning forward in anticipation.

Severus nodded, absently stroking the smooth stone as he 'spoke'. "I received a job offer today, too. I will be working in Magical Development for the Ministry, specifically potions, although I may be able to branch out into charms and hexes. I have some experience in developing those as well, after all."

"Really?" Remus tightened his hand on Severus' squeezing affectionately. "That's fantastic! You must be very pleased, since that would fit your abilities very well indeed." He paused, giving a small sigh, although his eyes sparkled. "Well, I must say I had been looking forward to us working together again, but as long as I'm still there, I suppose a certain fantasy of mine isn't completely impossible."

Severus snorted and quickly lowered his hand before wayward thoughts about being bent over a desk could tumble out. It took a moment before he could banish those intriguing images entirely, and only then did he touch the stone again. "I couldn't bear another year of teaching, much less a lifetime," he said. "I was trapped there, longing to escape, and now there is nothing to keep me there." He drew in a deep breath and released it slowly, feeling far more free than he had in over twenty years, perhaps ever. He'd lived in one prison or another his entire life, but now he was truly free. "But I have no objections to visiting on occasion to help you realize your fantasies," he added with a knowing look.

"I'd like that," Remus replied, chuckling. "Of course, any fantasy is good so long as you are in it, but what is most important is that you are happy and fulfilled. I'm sure that's going to help your entire outlook on life, which is something you very much deserve." Severus even _looked_ happier simply at the thought of not having to teach again, and Remus was truly pleased for him. "Besides, when you feel the need to yell at adolescents, you can always visit my class and cut loose with impunity."

"Thank you," Severus said dryly, giving him a bland look. "With any luck, I will not feel the need to yell as often once I no longer have to deal with adolescents in the first place." He reached into his pocket and pulled out the package wrapped in plain brown paper, and he placed it on the table in front of himself and rested his hand on top of it. "Now then, do you want your present or not?"

"Yes," Remus replied at once, baring his teeth in a wolfish smile. "I was trying to resemble an adult rather than an impatient toddler, though."

"Don't bother," Severus replied, smirking as he pushed the package across the table at last. "I am already quite aware of your maturity level."

"Ha. Ha." Remus stuck out his tongue, but he took the package, curious as to what Severus had given him. He peeled back the brown paper, then drew in a startled breath, his eyes widening as he saw the familiar cover of the book Severus had given him when they were teenagers, and which he'd given back in that time of despair when he'd left Hogwarts and Severus for what he thought was forever. He touched the colored figure of Valentine Michael Smith, the main character of Heinlein's _Stranger in a Strange Land_ , not quite believing it was real, and wondered if this meant what he hoped it meant.

"Severus?" he said softly, looking into the dark eyes he loved so well, hardly daring to breathe. "Really? You want me to have it again?"

Severus glanced down awkwardly, tempted to take refuge in a written response to give himself some distance and perceived safety, but he forced himself to touch the amulet as he nodded. "Yes, I do," he replied quietly. "I never wanted it back in the first place. It is yours. It always has been, and it always will be, if you are ready to take it back."

"I am. More than ready. Your Robert wants to be Ellison's - yours - more than anything else in the world." Remus picked up Severus' hand and brought it to his lips, kissing the palm tenderly. "Now I know you've forgiven me and accept me, really accept me as Robert. Or am I being too hopeful?"

Severus curled his fingers against Remus' cheek and shook his head, offering no other response than that, but he thought no more was needed. The book had spoken for him well enough.

Remus had thought his day couldn't be any better than it had been when Minerva had offered him a job and he'd found the amulet for Severus, but he'd been wrong. He was so happy that he couldn't speak, his throat tightening and his eyes burning as he felt overwhelmed by the greatest happiness he could ever remember. This was even better than the moment he'd looked at his son for the first time, because it was untinged by any hesitation, any regret, any thoughts about what bad things might follow in its wake. He pressed Severus' hand to his cheek and held it there, drawing in a shuddering breath.

"I love you." The words were hoarse, but fervent, and when Remus looked up, his eyes were suspiciously bright.

Severus snorted and rolled his eyes, but he stroked Remus' cheek with his thumb, his expression one of fond, if put-upon, affection. He was able to admit, if only to himself, that he loved Remus as well, and he had for years, even before he knew the truth. He had fallen for Robert first, but it had been easier than he expected to meld Robert and Remus into one at last.

Giving a breathless chuckle of amusement at Severus' reaction, Remus kissed Severus' hand again, then drew in a deep breath and cleared his throat. "This has been a very good day," he said with a soft smile. "The best. What do you say to a bottle of wine to celebrate? And a feast... whatever you'd like is yours. I want to wine you and dine you and show you how very happy you make me."

Severus drew his hand back and gave Remus a coy look as he touched the amulet. "Perhaps I will let you get me tipsy and take shameless advantage of me."

Eyes wide, Remus sat straight up, his jaw dropping at the provocative statement, the first direct reference Severus had made that indicated that he might actually be comfortable with taking their relationship to the next level. He closed it with a clack of teeth, then waved at Tom. "Tom! Your finest wine. I don't care what it is, but I want your best. And your best meal, too." He looked at Severus, his eyes burning. "Does that suit you, love?"

Severus nodded and leaned back in his chair, relaxing. It _had_ been a good day, one of few he could remember, but hopefully the first of many. He had a new means of communicating, he would soon have a new and better job, and he had gathered his courage to take a considerable step forward in his relationship with Remus. The only thing that would make the day any better would be to end it naked with a blanket made of equally naked werewolf for the night, and that, he thought, might easily be accomplished.

Tom wasted no time in bringing their order, looking between them with a bit of surprise. The wine bottle was so old, it was dusty and there were cobwebs on the neck, which Tom quickly wiped away with a cloth. "'ere you go," he said, setting down two glasses to accompany the bottle. "Food's comin'."

"Thank you," Remus replied, smiling and reaching for the bottle, opening it deftly and then pouring two full glasses of the deep red wine. He pushed one toward Severus, then lifted his, looking at Severus intently. "To us. And forever."

"To soppy werewolves and the men who endure them for the rest of their lives," Severus replied, lifting his glass and touching it lightly against Remus', his own gaze intense.

"I'll drink to that, too," Remus replied, then sipped at the wine, barely tasting it as he continued to look at Severus. "So, do I really need to get you tipsy in order to ravish you?"

Smirking, Severus shook his head as he took a sip of his wine, giving Remus a heated look over the rim of the glass.

Remus' lips tilted up, the wolf rising in his eyes. "Do you want to stay here and eat, or would you like for me to tell Tom to wrap up the food so that we can have dessert first?"

The sight of the wolf sent a frisson down Severus' spine, and he licked his lips, anticipation curling in the pit of his stomach. "I want dessert," he said. "I've waited for it long enough."

"Yes, and I won't deny you," Remus replied. "Back in a moment." 

Rising from the table, he went to Tom, who chuckled and shook his head. Remus put several coins in his hand, then accepted a bag before returning to Severus. A wave of his wand closed the bottle of wine, and Remus put it in the bag. "We may want it later," he said, then reached out and took Severus' hand. "My house, I assume... unless you think Hogwarts is a more fitting venue for our first time together."

There would be a certain symmetry to consummating their relationship at Hogwarts, and after considering the matter for a moment, he nodded. "We could even sneak into one of the classrooms or one of our old dorm rooms."

Smiling mischievously, Remus led Severus to the Floo. "Go to the Gryffindor Common room, all right? I'll be along in just a few moments."

Severus raised his eyebrows, surprised and intrigued, but he didn't stop to ask questions; he would find out what Remus was up to soon enough, and he nodded, taking a pinch of Floo powder and using his new vocal abilities to take himself back to Hogwarts, and he hurried away to the Gryffindor Common Room to await Remus' arrival.

As soon as Severus vanished, Remus took the Floo as well, but he made an intermediate stop before heading to Hogwarts. He strode swiftly along the corridors, smiling at the portrait of the Fat Lady and entering when she opened the way for him, both of them having been given the passwords throughout the castle so they could perform repairs.

He stepped into the common room, wearing his old school jumper and Gryffindor tie, and his eyes immediately sought Severus as he feigned a look of surprise. "Severus... what are you doing here? I'm glad to see you, but aren't you afraid we'll get caught?"

Severus rose when Remus entered, his eyes widening when he saw was Remus was wearing, and his breath caught in his throat. If things had gone differently twenty years ago, they might have done this for real, but there was no reason why they couldn't recapture the past a little.

"We won't if you keep your mouth shut," he retorted.

Remus crossed to Severus, standing in front of him and lowering his gaze coyly. "You'll have to shut it for me... you know how you make me whimper and beg."

Curling his fingers around Remus' tie, Severus tugged him closer, not bothering to waste time with a response. He did indeed know how to make Remus whimper, a method that would conveniently occupy Remus' mouth as well. He closed the distance between them, still holding Remus' tie, and he captured Remus' lips, coaxing them apart so he could claim Remus' mouth thoroughly.

With a moan, Remus parted his lips, wrapping his arms around Severus' shoulders and giving himself over completely to the kiss. This was the start of what he had waited for for so very long, and anticipation and longing built swiftly, arousing him and making him ache with need. Severus' taste was spicy and familiar and addictive, and he responded to the kiss eagerly, letting Severus take complete control but giving back as well, knowing that he would remember this kiss for the rest of his life.

Sliding his free arm around Remus' waist, Severus continued the kiss, slow and deep, without relinquishing Remus' tie; he wanted to take things slowly and make sure Remus' first time was memorable. He was a little daunted by the responsibility of taking someone's virginity when he was so out of practice and not much more experienced himself, but he didn't dwell on it; their chemistry and affection would make up for any number of imperfections. Thus he let himself drown in Remus' taste and smoothed his hand up and down the length of Remus' back in a soothing caress.

The stroking of Severus' warm hand down his back made Remus arch with pleasure, his body pressing wantonly against Severus'. Their clothing was a frustrating barrier between them, but Remus wasn't ready to break away to do anything about it, not yet. Severus' kisses were too delicious, too addictive, and Remus couldn't get enough of them.

He should probably be self-conscious or even anxious about what they were about to do, given that he had only literary rather than practical knowledge to go on, but he wasn't. This was an act of love, of completion and desire, and it was the culmination of everything Remus had longed for for decades; he wanted Severus, and that alone would make their joining perfect beyond anything he could imagine.

A low growl began, deep in his chest, as the wolf made its presence and desire to participate known. Remus didn't try to suppress it. Severus had said that he wanted the wolf, too, that he wasn't afraid of Remus' darkness, and so Remus let it come, lending an extra hunger to his desire.

The growl sent a shiver down Severus' spine, and he bit lightly at Remus' bottom lip in response before pulling back so he could see the wolf in Remus' eyes. Releasing Remus' tie at last, he touched the amulet. "Yes, you may come out to play, too," he said.

A feral smile curved Remus' lips at the invitation, and his eyes glowed softly as the wolf rose in them, heeding Severus' call. Remus tightened his arms around Severus' shoulders, fitting his hips to Severus' and pressing firmly. "We both want to play with you," he replied, his voice rough. "We want you to know that we belong to you."

"Then let's go to your bedroom," Severus replied, giving Remus a squeeze before releasing him and grabbing his tie again. "I'll play with both of you, but I want to be comfortable." Shagging on the sofa in the common room might have been fine if they really had been teenagers, but at his age, he wanted the comfort of a real bed.

Remus bucked forward again playfully, before pulling back and taking Severus' hand. Perhaps it was a little silly to have their long-awaited consummation in the dorm, but it was fitting, too, in a way. They had met at Hogwarts, and it was in the very bed they were about to occupy that Remus, as Robert, had written to Ellison, read Ellison's letters, had found his soul-mate and fallen in love with Ellison. It was poetic, and it would certainly be memorable - and naughty in a way.

"Then come with me," he said, leading Severus toward the stairs. The stone steps wound upward, to the very top of the tower, and Remus pushed open the door. 

The beds were still there, exactly as they had always been, the thick, red velvet curtains tied back. Through the window, the moon was rising, round and gibbous, but Remus didn't shy away from the light. For once, the silver orb could bear witness to his pleasure rather than his pain.

He pulled Severus toward one of the beds, the one he'd occupied for seven years. With his free hand, he pulled down the covers, then turned into Severus' arms again, craning up to claim a swift, hard kiss. "This is where I first dreamed of you, you know... where the fantasies all began. Now we can make them reality."

Severus looked around as Remus led him into the room, a long-standing curiosity satisfied at last; he'd always wondered what the Gryffindor dorms looked like, and it was somewhat anticlimactic to discover they looked similar to the Slytherin dorms except for the colors. He lost interest in the decor when Remus turned back the covers and kissed him again, and he wound his arms around Remus in return, nodding his agreement to Remus' observation.

Smiling, Remus kicked off his shoes without ever releasing Severus. "So, what do Slytherin Potions Masters wear under their clothes?" he asked teasingly, his gaze heated. "I've imagined everything from silk boxers to a thong to nothing at all. Anything you wear would be sexy, though... it wouldn't be able to help it, being on your body."

Severus rolled his eyes at Remus' nonsensical flattery even as he busied himself toeing off his shoes as well. Rather than respond aloud, he released Remus and unfastened the top three buttons of his high collared jacket, revealing scarred skin rather than bandages this time, and then he spread his hands and gave Remus an almost playful look. The message was clear: _You'll have to find out for yourself._

There was no way Remus could resist that teasing challenge, and he leaned forward, running his nose gently along Severus' throat, inhaling deeply and immersing himself in Severus' scent. It was as intoxicating as the finest wine, and Remus was more than eager for more.

Moving his hands to Severus' buttons, he undid the next one, then pressed his lips to the warm skin at the base of Severus' throat. "I've always wanted to find out what was under your buttons," he murmured, flicking out his tongue for a taste. Another button slid from its hole, then another, and another, and Remus followed with his mouth, savoring every moment as he slowly opened Severus' jacket and shirt to the waist, taking his time and hoping that Severus was as inflamed by the attention as Remus was in the giving of it.

Severus let his hands come to rest on Remus' shoulders, his body wracked with shivers as Remus bared him to the waist, touching and tasting him along the way. It had been so long since he had been touched, and his dormant skin was coming alive at the attention, already aching for more after so lengthy a famine. He could feel his muscles quivering beneath his skin where Remus' lips brushed, and he leaned against the bed for support before his legs could give out beneath him.

The tiny twitches of Severus' muscles told Remus that his efforts were having the desired effect, and he smiled against Severus' abdomen, pleased to know that he seemed to be able to make Severus weak. He dipped his tongue playfully into the hollow of Severus' navel, then began to kiss his way back upward. When he was upright once more, he slipped his hands under the opened jacket and shirt, pushing them back and off Severus' body, then drew in a deep breath as his heated gaze devoured the sight of Severus' bare torso. 

"So pale and perfect," he murmured, brushing his palms over Severus' chest, exploring the smooth planes of skin gilded silver in the moonlight. Then he raised his eyes to Severus' face, watching his expression with focused curiosity as he brushed his thumbs over Severus' nipples, wanting to see if Severus liked the sensation or if he shied away from it.

Severus' breath hitched and sped up, and he nodded his approval, his dark eyes gleaming with banked heat. He couldn't _tell_ Remus what he liked, but he could _show_ Remus, and so he nudged Remus' hands aside and demonstrated the sort of teasing, pinching, and tugging that pleased him, watching Remus intently to see if he enjoyed the show as well as understood the lesson.

There was no doubt Remus liked the show; he gave a moan, feeling sweat break out all over his body in reaction to the sight of Severus teasing himself. He licked his lips, then moved his hands to replace Severus', mimicking the things Severus had done. "Like that?" he asked in a strangled tone. "I want to please you. I want to make you whimper and moan."

Squirming, Severus nodded, feeling a flush rising in his face from the pleasure of Remus' fingers, and his breathing grew harsh and ragged. Impatiently, he pushed up the hem of Remus' jumper, smirking wickedly as he sought to learn whether what pleased him would please Remus as well, his fingers deft as they teased Remus' nipples in return.

The feeling on Severus' talented fingers on his bare skin, teasing and tormenting, was the most intense thing Remus had ever experienced. He growled, his breathing harsh and ragged. "It does feel good," he said, then leaned forward, upping the ante by fastening his mouth on one of Severus' nipples and sucking it.

Severus gave a raspy gasp and clutched Remus' shoulders, a low moan escaping him as he arched in a silent plea for more; Remus was a quick learner, which was proving dangerous for Severus' sanity. He wrangled off Remus' jumper and smoothed his hands along every expanse of bare skin he could reach, wanting to learn the feel of Remus' body.

The sound Severus made was more eloquent than words, and Remus had never heard anything more beautiful. Severus was doing his best to drive Remus wild as well, and it was becoming increasingly obvious that remaining upright was a serious impediment to further exploration - in part because Remus wasn't certain how much longer he could keep his increasingly weak knees.

Remus because to kiss his way upward, wrapping his arms around Severus when he could finally claim Severus' lips in a hard kiss. "Bed?" he asked hopefully, not wanting to rush Severus but quite eager to take things horizontal.

Severus nodded vehemently, eager to be less clothed and more horizontal, and he tugged impatiently at Remus' shoulders to urge him along.

Chuckling, Remus unfastened his trousers and stripped off the rest of his clothes with a complete lack of self-consciousness. Then he turned and crawled into the bed, leaning back against the pillows and holding out his arms. "Come here," he growled. "I want to feel all of you against me."

Severus paused a moment to admire Remus, licking his lips as he let his gaze roam up and down the length of Remus' body, and then he wasted no time shedding his clothes and climbing onto the bed, accepting the invitation readily. He wanted to feel Remus' body against his, skin to skin, and after decades of waiting, he was going to wait no longer.

Remus' eyes were fixed on Severus, watching his every move as Severus bared himself. He smiled at the sight of the plain white boxers; they were attractive enough, but he resolved silently to buy Severus some in black silk just so he could enjoy sliding against them. 

"So beautiful," he said, wrapping his arms around Severus and pulling him close. He gave a low, fervent groan as their bodies touched completely at last, and he wriggled, enjoying the slide of Severus' warm skin against his. Perhaps silk was overrated, since Severus felt better than anything else Remus could imagine. "You feel so good..."

Severus made a humming noise deep in his chest, a sound of fervent approval of Remus' sentiment; he couldn't remember anything feeling better than this, and he knew he had made a good decision at long last. Winding his arms around Remus, he nuzzled kisses along Remus' cheek, jaw, and throat, nestling as close as possible.

"Yes...." The word ended in a hiss between Remus' lips as Severus pressed even closer against him. He tilted his head back, giving Severus better access so that he could explore the sensitive skin of Remus' throat as much as he liked. "Whatever you want... anything. I'm yours, all yours. I always have been."

Severus caressed Remus' cheek and kissed him lightly before touching the amulet he still wore. "I want you," he said, nipping Remus' earlobe. "I want you _now_."

Staring up into Severus' eyes, Remus felt the wolf stirring in response to those words, words he'd longed to hear for years. "We want you, too," he said, his eyes glowing with desire. "We want to be yours in every way." Rolling onto his back, he pulled Severus atop his body, relishing the way he was pressed back into the mattress, and he arched up to let Severus feel the extent of his desire. 

Severus settled atop Remus, groaning, and touched the amulet so he could speak the charms that would prepare Remus, not wanting to use wordless magic in this case; he wanted Remus to hear what he was saying and know what was about to happen. Slowly, carefully, he positioned himself, bracing over Remus, and eased into Remus' tight body with a gradual thrust, not wanting to rush and hurt Remus until he had adjusted to the unfamiliar experience.

Nothing, no dream, no book, no wild imagining could have prepared Remus for the exquisite sensation of Severus easing into him, filling his body and his heart and his soul all at once. There was no pain, and any oddness to the feeling faded quickly, replaced by a delicious feeling of fullness. He watched Severus' face with avid hunger, wanting to see every nuance, to remember every moment of this, the moment when they became two halves of a sublime whole. 

"You feel good... wonderful," Remus growled, his breathing accelerating as anticipation built. He reached up with a hand, cupping Severus' cheek. "You won't hurt me, and, like you, I don't mind a little pain to make the pleasure all the sweeter. Love me, Severus. Love me and give us both what we've been waiting for."

With a silent growl, Severus began to move, holding back nothing, and he slid his hand between their bodies, watching Remus avidly as he began to stroke Remus, wanting to see his pleasure. Remus felt perfect, welcoming him, sheathing him, making him feel their connection stronger and more vibrant than ever.

The motion of Severus' body, the way he thrust and claimed Remus' body made every nerve in Remus' body begin to burn with a pleasure that robbed him of breath and threatened to steal his control. Every time Severus surged deep, it set off an explosion of white-hot need, and he gave a strangled cry, arching back, baring himself completely, leaving himself open to whatever Severus wanted. The wolf was there as well, growling its own approval as Severus' hand stroked him, sending him higher and higher. At last Remus could hold back no longer, and he set the wolf free, the joining becoming something deep and primal, Remus' nails scoring down Severus' back as he cried out, his body taut as a wound spring. Then he shattered, a howl ripped from his throat as he flew apart, coming completely undone in Severus' arms.

Severus watched, the sight of Remus' ecstasy satisfying him in ways he'd never imagined possible; _he_ had caused this, he had given Remus this pleasure, and he had called forth the wolf. The pain of Remus' nails on his back made him hiss with pleasure, and he felt his own tenuous control begin to slip. Letting go, he claimed Remus with hard, pounding thrusts, wild and possessive as his own desperate need crested. An involuntary cry escaped him as he shattered, leaving his throat feeling raw, and he slumped atop Remus, panting and sated, far more fulfilled than he ever had been before.

"Mmmm..." Remus felt like he was floating, drained and limp and completely sated. He ran his hands slowly over Severus' back, nuzzling against the damp hair of Severus' temple and inhaling the scent of Severus' pleasure. "Perfect. Just... perfect. You can do that to me whenever you'd like."

Gathering Remus close, Severus rolled onto his side and relaxed in the aftermath, feeling too limp and heavy-limbed to move more than that just yet. He buried his nose against Remus' throat, breathing deeply of Remus' warm scent, and hummed softly in response. For the first time in a long time, he felt safe, knowing he had found a place where he could put aside his armor at last here in Remus' arms.

Chuckling, Remus gestured toward the bottom of the bed, summoning the duvet and pulling it up over them, nestling into the warmth and comfort of Severus' arms. He sighed, perfectly happy and content for what might have been the very first time in his life. "I love you," he murmured, pressing his lips to Severus' forehead. "Rest, now... we can talk later, all right?"

Severus nodded and made a sleepy noise of agreement as he nestled under the covers; warm and comfortable, he was definitely more interested in sleep than in talking at the moment.

Remus was drowsy as well, but he lay awake for a little while, simply marveling at the sensation of Severus here in his arms. He was almost afraid to go to sleep, imagining that he might wake to find it had all been a glorious dream rather than a fantasy come to life. But the feeling of Severus' warmth against him, the slow, steady sound of Severus' breathing reassured him, and with a final smiling glance at the moon rising through the window, Remus drifted off to sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

"And there's two bottles in the bag, just in case. Oh! Don't forget he really, really hates pears. I don't know why, but if you do a fruit, try peaches instead."

Andromeda laughed as she rubbed Teddy's back, shaking her head in amusement. "Remus, I do know what he likes! Calm down, it'll be fine. Good luck!"

Remus smiled ruefully, running a hand through his hair in a gesture of agitation. "Yes, yes, you do. And thanks... I think I'm more anxious than Severus is."

"No doubt." Andromeda craned up to kiss Remus' cheek. "We'll see you in a day or two. Right, Teddy? Wave bye-bye to Daddy!" She waved Teddy's hand at Remus, and the baby smiled, a little dribble of drool leaking from the corner of his mouth. Then she stepped into the Floo, and they disappeared from sight.

Turning away, Remus drew in a deep breath, then went to find Severus. It was Severus' birthday, but beyond a card from him and Teddy, Remus hadn't given Severus his gifts as yet. He was waiting until after Severus' appointment with the Healers that afternoon, and he was almost vibrating in anticipation to find out if Severus would be able to use his voice again. If so, they would have a double reason to celebrate.

He found Severus upstairs in the bedroom, getting dressed, and Severus half-turned at the sound of the door opening as he finished buttoning his jacket. He raised a questioning eyebrow at Remus and moved to the door, smoothing his hands down the front of his jacket. "Ready?" he asked, reaching up to touch the amulet.

He hoped after today, he wouldn't have to rely on writing or the amulet to communicate; the amulet had been helpful, but he was ready to hear his own voice again, if possible, and not rely on artificial means of communicating. He also wanted to be free of needing tools in order to communicate, forced to have a pen on hand or to remember to wear the pendant if he didn't want to be voiceless.

"Yes, more than," Remus agreed, stepping toward Severus with a smile and wrapping his arms around his waist. "Teddy is off with Andromeda, and after your appointment, we can have dinner anywhere you'd like. Then will come the presents." Tilting his head back, he smiled wickedly. "And the shagging. Lots of shagging. I'm ready to hear you beg me for more."

Severus gave a quiet snort. "I'd rather have the shagging first," he replied archly, sliding one arm around Remus in return.

"That can be arranged." Remus craned up to kiss Severus, swift and hard, then pulled back reluctantly. "It'll have to wait until after your appointment, unfortunately, but when that's over, we'll do anything you want. It's your birthday; you call all the shots."

Smirking, Severus nodded. He'd never been particularly enthused about his birthday before, but then, no one had made a fuss over it before; this year, he was actually enjoying the day, if only because Remus was willing to cater to his every whim, there would be presents, and there would be lots of shagging. Not that he didn't get lots of shagging every other day of the year, but somehow, birthday shagging seemed better.

Clasping Remus' hand, he headed for the door, ready to go and get his appointment over with; with any luck, they really would have reason to celebrate afterward.

Remus gave Severus' hand a squeeze and went with him, down into the parlor and to the Floo. He waited for Severus to disappear, then stepped in after him, arriving in the lobby of St. Mungo's. Stepping out, he brushed off his jumper and then moved to wrap an arm around Severus' waist. "Let's find that Healer."

Within ten minutes of their arrival, Severus was ushered into a small examining room and instructed to sit on a cushioned examining table; fortunately, Remus was allowed to accompany him, so he didn't have to wait for the Healer alone. He didn't feel like talking, but he wasn't keen on sitting in this small, sterile room by himself either.

The wait seemed longer than it probably was before the Healer bustled in, checking her chart as she opened the door. "Ah, Mr. Snape. We're going to do a follow-up on your throat, yes?"

Severus nodded tersely, bracing himself. He hoped he would be able to talk again, but with the exception of his relationship with Remus, there wasn't much that had gone his way in his life, and he was prepared for the worst. At least he had options thanks to the amulet, if the news was bad.

Remus stayed close to Severus, a hand on his shoulder, rubbing gently as Severus sat on the examination table. When the Healer came in, he stayed where he was, smiling but determined to be there for Severus if he was needed. He knew that Severus appreciated the amulet, but there was a difference between feeling that your voice was "healing" and being told you could never speak again. Severus had lost so much, and Remus made a silent wish that he hadn't lost his beautiful voice as well.

He tightened his hand on Severus' shoulder reassuringly. "He's been perfect about not speaking," he said hopefully.

"Very good," the Healer replied, nodding and giving Severus an approving look as she drew her wand. "That was essential, and it may have made a considerable difference in whether he will be able to speak again or not."

Frowning with concentration, she cast a few diagnostic spells, and Severus could feel her magic swirling around his throat, making his skin tingle. She seemed to take an interminable amount of time, casting spell after spell, until she finally lowered her wand.

"I'm very pleased by what I see," she said, smiling reassuringly. "In fact, I believe you may be able to speak already. Why don't you try it?"

Severus swallowed hard, not wanting to get his hopes up, but he nodded and turned his head. "Remus," he croaked, his voice harsh and ragged from disuse, but it was _his_ voice, not an inflectionless monotone.

The sound of his name in Severus' voice, rough though it was, made Remus melt, and he smiled, his own throat tightening in response. That Severus' first word since the end of the war would be _his_ name was a declaration of Severus' feelings as obvious as a shout, and Remus leaned forward, pressing his lips to Severus' cheek. "Thank you," he murmured, and his voice was almost as ragged as Severus' had been.

Severus rolled his eyes, but a small smile curved his lips as well, and he slid his arm around Remus' waist, holding on tightly.

"Now you mustn't overdo it," the Healer said sternly, wagging her finger at them both. "You can still strain your voice, especially since you haven't used it in so long. There are potions to treat laryngitis, and I would advise taking one of those and drinking plenty of tea with honey. Speak only a little at first, all right? You need to keep using whatever methods you've been using to communicate for the most part.. After a week or so, you may use half-writing, half-speaking for another week. I'll want to see you one last time before I give you permission to speak full time."

Severus nodded, listening attentively. Even though it was clear he would regain use of his voice, he had no intention of ruining his chances of a full recovery by backsliding now.

"That's great!" Remus smiled widely, pleased that it wouldn't be long until Severus wouldn't have to rely on writing or the amulet to make his wishes understood. Even better, Severus would have full use of his magic again, which was of no small importance all on its own. "Two weeks will be nothing after all these months, right, Severus? This is fantastic... a truly wonderful birthday present. The best one of all."

"Yes, it is," Severus agreed aloud, but at a reproachful look from the Healer, he closed his mouth with a snap, determined not to say anything else the rest of the day. Maybe. Reaching up, he touched the amulet. "Dinner and presents now?" he asked, deciding not to mention sex in front of the Healer.

"Dinner, presents, or anything your heart desires," Remus said, his eyes dancing with amusement as he caught to obvious omission. He looked at the Healer. "Thank you so much. We'll be back in two weeks for that exam." 

He glanced at Severus again. "If you're ready, we can go now. You lead the way, love."

Severus got off the table with alacrity, grasping Remus' hand again before heading to the door. As they returned to the waiting room, he glanced curiously at Remus and touched the pendant. "Where are we going for dinner?" he asked.

"That depends on you," Remus replied with a playful smile. "If you want naked werewolf, then we're headed home. Anything else... we're in London. I had a thought that you might enjoy something decadent and completely over the top. There's apparently a very posh restaurant downtown that is Muggle, but with Wizarding ties. And the servers are all young men who wear very little in the way of clothing."

Severus raised both eyebrows, intrigued. Remus was, of course, his favorite semi-clad view, but there was nothing wrong with being served by handsome young men on one's birthday. "Yes," he said, keeping his fingertips on the pendant. "Let's go there. It sounds quite interesting."

"I thought you might think so... that's why I made reservations, just in case." Laughing, Remus pulled Severus close against his side, then drew his wand and Apparated them away, to a spot he'd been given by the restaurant staff when he'd made the dinner arrangements. They arrived in a pleasant, private courtyard, one protected from the elements by a weather repelling charm that kept out the wind but still allowed them a nice view of the city.

Remus began to walk toward the entrance to a building at one side of the courtyard, one with architecture that was decidedly Victorian in nature. "Trust me, the building is the only thing that's staid about this place, or at least that's the reputation." One that was apparently merited, since as they approached the door was opened, and a handsome young blond wearing tight velvet breeches and nothing else smiled at them in welcome.

"Hello, welcome to Byrony," the young man greeted them in a pleasant tenor. "Mr. Lupin, Mr. Snape... you're right on time. Your private salon is ready."

Severus was taken aback by being greeted by a half-naked young man; if this was what the evening had in store for him, this would definitely go down as the best birthday on record. He glanced at Remus, one eyebrow raised at the news of a private salon. _How private?_ he mouthed, not wanting to use the amulet around a Muggle, just in case.

"Very," Remus murmured in reply to the silent question, giving Severus a meaningful squeeze. 

It seemed that their maitre d' was either unobservant or discreet, for he gave no indication of having noticed the exchange. "Please, follow me," he said, then turned and lead them into the house. 

The decor within was Victorian as well, but not anything that would have been approved of by society matrons. Instead it was something that Remus thought could be described as Opium Den Chic, with a healthy dose of homoeroticism thrown in. There were framed pictures on the walls, but they were all of nude or nearly nude men, individuals and couples engaged in flagrant display of their bodies. 

They were lead up a carved mahogany staircase, then the young blond stopped and opened a door. "The Green Room," he said, his lips twitching slightly, as though he were anticipating their reaction.

"After you," Remus said, urging Severus forward. "You are the guest of honor, after all."

Severus didn't hesitate to enter the room, and he looked around with undisguised curiosity; the choice of decor - primarily dark green - pleased him and felt familiar, especially since there were a few silver pieces scattered around. There was a table near the fireplace, covered with a pristine white cloth and set with fine bone china; the chairs were amply cushioned in green velvet, and there were two antique fainting couches with a plush Aubusson carpet between them. He moved to the center of the room and turned back to Remus, nodding his approval.

"This is perfect, thank you," Remus said to the blond, smiling with pleasure as Severus approved of his choice. "Tea, and wine, please?"

"Yes, of course." The blond nodded, then gestured to a slider on the door at eye level. "As a courtesy to our guests, if you slide this to the right, we will know that you don't wish to be disturbed. Rest assured, you will have complete privacy for any... discussions." He bowed, then left the room, closing the door behind him.

"Well, this is even more... _more_ , than I'd expected," Remus said, looking about as he walked to Severus. He raised a brow. "Will this do for a birthday celebration? I was told that we don't have to worry about noise, should we become, er, vocal in our enjoyment of your special day."

Smirking, Severus wound his arms around Remus and pulled him close, letting a deep, thorough kiss express his approval of their surroundings.

Severus' reaction was all Remus could have wished, and he wrapped his own arms around Severus' shoulders, pressing close against him and parting his lips eagerly. It really was a celebration, in more ways than one; Severus would regain his voice, it was Severus' birthday, and they were together. For once, everything in their lives seemed to be conspiring to make them happy instead of miserable.

Severus accepted the invitation and continued the kiss at a leisurely pace, and when he broke away, he ended it with a light nip of Remus' bottom lip. He gestured to the table and then to the nearest fainting couch, fixing Remus with a questioning look. He didn't have a preference, and he was happy to let Remus choose.

"Why don't we start with the couch? At least until after we order dinner," Remus said, leading Severus over toward it. He sank down, leaning back and holding out his arms. "I doubt we could do anything that the staff here hasn't seen before."

Severus snorted quietly and touched the amulet. "I doubt it too." He joined Remus on the couch and moved into Remus' arms, reclining indolently and resting his head on Remus' shoulder. With a contented sigh, he relaxed; the couch was soft and comfortable, and the decor was luxurious, and best of all, they had the entire evening ahead of them to spend together.

Chuckling, Remus wrapped his arms around Severus, placing his hands on Severus' chest and caressing him through the fabric of his jacket. Turning his head, he nuzzled Severus' temple. "We might need one of these for the cottage. I like the feeling of you lying against me like this. It seems rather decadent, doesn't it?"

"Mmmm..." Severus didn't use the amulet this time to voice his hum of agreement and approval as he reclined in Remus' embrace. He liked the feeling of lying this way too, and if they got a couch like this for the cottage, he felt certain they would use it often.

Remus began to growl. "I could take you like this, you know... with you sprawled naked in my arms, totally open to the pleasure I give you." He moved his hands lower, caressing teasingly over sensitive areas. "Think about how that would feel, leaning back against me, naked and writhing and desperate."

Severus could feel as well as hear the growl vibrating against his back, and he moaned softly, growing aroused by Remus' touch and Remus' words; he could imagine how good it would feel, and if they hadn't sent for beverages, he would have been tempted to move the slider to give them privacy and start shedding his clothes then and there.

At that moment, in fact, the door opened, and a waiter entered, clad in only a toga, his long, brown hair down around his shoulders but crowned with a wreath of laurel leaves. He held a tray in his hands, and he studiously kept his eyes on the table as he moved toward it, placing a tea pot and a bottle of wine upon it. 

"There is a button by the door, when you are ready to order," he said quietly, then turned and departed.

When the door closed, Remus chuckled, his breath warm against Severus' temple. "Shall I insure our privacy, love?" he asked, squeezing Severus' arousal. "Or are you ready to cool down with some hot tea?"

Squirming beneath Remus' hand, Severus whimpered quietly and shook his head. "No damned tea," he muttered, his voice low and gravelly. " _Privacy_."

The whimper was something that made the wolf within very smug, while Remus felt his body tighten, his own arousal growing at the need in Severus' voice. He moved one hand, managing to retrieve his wand, and he waved it toward the door, the slider moving into place with a decisive click. Another wave removed their clothing and sent it toward the other couch, leaving Severus' bare back resting against Remus' chest, the delectable curve of Severus' arse snugged firmly against him. 

With another growl, Remus moved his hips, his arousal sliding against Severus' skin. He bent his head forward, biting down on Severus' shoulder, worrying the skin to leave a vivid mark. When he moved his mouth away, it was only to kiss his way up Severus' neck to his ear. "Is this what you want?" he asked huskily, wrapping a hand around Severus' arousal and stroking him slowly. "Is this what you need?"

Severus cried out at the feel of Remus' teeth on his shoulder, and he lifted his arms up and back, looping them around Remus' neck as he rocked his hips, matching the rhythm of Remus' hand. "Yes," he murmured, letting his head fall back against Remus' shoulder and arching up provocatively. "Please..."

The motion of Severus against him was maddeningly wonderful and yet not nearly enough. When Severus arched up, Remus tapped Severus' hip with his wand, growling the preparatory spells. Then he dropped the wand and used his hand to guide himself into Severus' body, the motion of Severus' hips sheathing him and making him gasp as they were joined, Severus' body enveloping him in deliciously tight heat.

He continued to move his hand, stroking Severus as he moved his own hips, driving himself deep. "Perfect... so perfect. And all mine."

Biting his lip, Severus groaned, savoring the feel of Remus buried deep within him, and he could feel his arousal spiraling higher, threatening to spin out of control. "Yours," he murmured, giving himself over to their joining as he continued to move with Remus.

That quiet but fervent avowal, given in Severus' own beloved voice, was almost enough to undo Remus completely. He moaned, biting down on Severus' shoulder again, the wolf claiming its mate, wanting to give pleasure and to receive it in return. Remus moved faster, burying himself deep as he stroked Severus faster, wanting to feel Severus going completely wild in his arms.

Severus welcomed the wolf's claim, letting it stoke his own arousal higher, and he held nothing back of his pleasure as he let go, crying out again as he shattered; he rocked his hips through the aftershocks, moaning softly, and as his ecstasy slowly ebbed, he slumped against Remus, utterly spent.

A feeling of fierce satisfaction washed over Remus as Severus came undone, and he continued, stroking Severus in the aftermath, as his own pleasure built to a peak. Then he was hurtling over the edge, awash in a blaze of heat, wolf and man both infinitely satisfied in every possible way.

Breathing hard, Remus hummed as he held Severus close, stroking the damp skin of Severus' chest and pressing languid kisses to the back of Severus' neck.

"Perfect," he said softly, inhaling the scent of satiation from Severus' skin, then tasting it on his lips. "Happy birthday, love. My Severus, my Ellison... _mine_ , in every guise and every way."

Severus hummed softly with contentment as he lowered his arms and rested one hand atop Remus' arm, stroking it idly while he raised the other to touch his amulet. "I cannot recall a birthday I have enjoyed more than this one," he said. "My birthday has always been just another day for me, but not this year."

The words were as warm as Severus' body in his arms, and Remus smiled against Severus' shoulder, then turned his head to rub his cheek against it affectionately. "I'm glad. Your birthday is going to be special from now on, a day for you to be pampered and indulged." He chuckled as he picked up his wand and cast a cleaning charm on them both. "Although I have to say that I enjoy doing it, so you might find yourself quickly becoming spoiled."

"Then if I become unbearable, it will be your own fault," Severus replied, relaxing with a sigh. The couch was comfortable, and the room was warm, thus he felt no qualms about lounging naked for a little while. One appetite had been sated, and a little rest would be pleasant before he sated another.

Remus continued to caress Severus' skin, enjoying the chance to relax. "I'll find a way to bear it," he replied, echoing Severus' sigh. "And speaking of spoiling... would you like your gifts now? No need to move. I can summon them, and they're small enough that you won't have to move if you don't want to."

As it happened, Severus did _not_ want to move, but he _did_ want presents, although on some level, he felt as if he'd already been given quite enough with the return of his voice, and anything above and beyond that was an embarrassment of riches. It didn't stop him from nodding and making grabby hands to emphasis his point.

Remus couldn't help but laugh at Severus' adorable gesture, although of course he couldn't say how cute he thought it was. He cuddled Severus close for a moment, then summoned the gifts.

There were two, and he passed over the smaller one first. "I hope you'll like this," he murmured. "It seemed appropriate."

Severus unwrapped the present with finicky precision, and when he opened the box, he found a pocket watch, which he lifted out carefully. At Remus' urging, he opened the watch and saw not only was it a magical variety watch rather than Muggle, but it had also been engraved on the inside with an inscription reading, "To count the wonderful hours we will spend together for the rest of our lives. Love, Remus."

"Soppy wolf," he murmured, but he was careful when he returned the watch to its box, and he turned his head to nuzzle a kiss to Remus' cheek in thanks.

"Your soppy wolf," Remus agreed unrepentantly, pleased that Severus seemed to like the watch. He passed over the second gift, which had taken some work to procure but which he was pretty sure would be worth the effort. 

Severus opened this gift with the same slow precision, only he didn't uncover a box this time, but rather a book cover: _Ellison Wonderland_ , which had long been one of his favorite collections. He already had it, of course, and he was surprised that Remus had forgotten he owned a copy, but then Remus plucked it from his hand and opened it to the title page to reveal a hand-written scrawl.

 _To Severus with best wishes, Harlan Ellison_.

" _Autographed_?" Severus sat up straight, his eyes widening, and he snatched back the book, staring at the inscription, both stunned and delighted that Remus had given him such a treasure. He'd never owned an autographed book before, and for his first to be from one of his favorite authors made it even better. Shifting on the couch, he turned and wound his arms around Remus, drawing him into a deep, thorough kiss of gratitude.

Remus wrapped his own arms around Severus, pulling him close and savoring the kiss. He pulled back, cupping Severus' cheek and smiling into his eyes. "You're welcome," he murmured, rubbing his nose against Severus' playfully. "I hope this has been a birthday to remember, one that you will look back on as being a new beginning."

"Yes." The word was firmly spoken in Severus' own voice. Things had taken a turn for the better at last, and so far, the second stage of his life had been far, far better than the first.

"Good!" Remus relaxed, running his hands over Severus' back and giving a happy sigh. "I'm glad you're happy and enjoying your special day, the first of many, many more. And when you're hungry - for food or _anything_ else - I'll make sure your appetite is complete satisfied."

Personally, Severus didn't think he could be more satisfied than he already was, but he was willing to find out. Easing down, he settled comfortably in Remus' arms again. In a few minutes, they would need to think about getting dressed and ordering dinner. In a few minutes, they would need to continue their evening upright. But not now. For the moment, they could remain like this and savor the gifts both of them had received of late, and for his part, there was nowhere else Severus would rather be.

~ end ~


End file.
